The Mentor Mom

Cultivating Kindness in Kids

When parents are asked what they want most for their children in life, the majority of parents answer "to be happy."  Makes sense.  But what does it mean to be happy?  Does it mean being rich?  Famous?  What do we as parents need to do to ensure our children's happiness?  Or better yet, do we have any control over this? 

As parents, we often put a lot of energy into making sure our children behave and that they do well in school.  That in and of itself can be a full days work!  But what about cultivating our children's character?  Have you considered what qualities you want your children to have as adults and if so, what things are you doing to help them develop these attributes?  I mean we all want our kids to be happy and successful, but what KIND of person do we want them to be?

For example, one characteristic that we value highly in our home is kindness.  We encourage our children to be giving.  We talk about about being kind to others.  They participate in charitable events at school.  Despite this, I see more moments of selfishness than I care to.  I can talk until I'm blue in the face to them about being kind, but I've learned that this is not nearly as effective as them seeing it firsthand.

As a result, I decided that rather than trying to guilt them into being kind (sorry, this is a product of my Catholic upbringing), I would intentionally start doing several kind acts a day.  Lest you think that I am Cruella DeVille, I have always made it a quest to do kind acts for others on a regular basis. Upon reflection, however, I realized that many of these acts were done at work or when the children were not around. 

So I began several weeks ago doing little things for the kids or their father and the results have been nothing less then amazing.  Now these acts have not been huge, e.g., taking the trash out for my husband, turning on the electric mattress pad for him, etc.  One of the things I like to do for the kids from time to time is to run their bath, put on one of my relaxation cds and light a candle while they soak.  They love it.  Well, last week, my son wanted to do a kind act for his sister.  He ran her bath, put on some of her favorite music and took in a glowing snowman that he had received over the holidays and dimmed the lights for her.  He even laid out her pajamas and towel!  I was floored!  It was working!  And the kind acts keep coming, e.g., putting the dishes away without asking, helping fold laundry, or going to bed to find that someone has turned on the electric mattress pad for me! 

There has been a wonderful byproduct of all this kindness...there is more harmony in the house!  Less bickering, more cooperation, more sharing and giving.  It truly is a wonderful thing!

So, have you considered what personal qualities you want your child to emulate?   Have your written them down?  If you have considered this, what things have you tried to encourage this quality?  Please share any tips, strategies or thoughts you might have :)

Instilling Respect While Kids are Young

I was reading the Sunday paper this past weekend.  I ALWAYS read the advice columns.  One of my favorites is Focus on the Family by James Dobson.  This past weekend, he received a letter from a reader asking about why it is important to instill respect during the developmental years.  I loved his response and want to share it with you:

Dr. Dobson:  You place great emphasis on instilling respect during the developmental years.  Why is that so important?

Respect is important for several specific reasons.  First, the child's relationship with his parents provides the basis for his attitude toward every other form of authority he will encounter.

It becomes the cornerstone for his later outlook on school officials, law enforcement officers, future employers and the people with whom he will eventually live and work.  Teachers, for example, can tell quickly when a boy or girl has been allowed to be defiant at home because those attitudes are brought into the classroom.

Again, relationships at home are the first and most important social encounters a youngster will have, and the problems experienced there often carry over into adult life.

Second, if you want your child to accept your values when she reaches her teen years, you must be worthy of her respect during her younger days.

When a child can successfully defy your authority during her first fifteen years, laughing in your face and flouting your leadership, she develops a natural contempt for everything you stand for.

"Stupid old mom and dad!" she thinks.  "I've got them wound around my little finger.  Sure they love me, but I think they're afraid of me."

A child may not utter these words, but she feels them each time she wins the confrontation.

Third, and related to the second, respect is critical to share faith.  The child who disdains his mother and father is less likely to emulate them.  If mom and dad are not worthy of respect, then neither are their morals, their country, or convictions.

Amen, Dr. Dobson!

(As posted in the Grand Rapids Press, September 3, 2006.)

That damn ice cream truck...

What is it with ice cream truck drivers?  Is it just me, or do they have no sense of timing?  The ice cream truck driver who cruises our neighborhood picks the crappiest time to come through.  Wouldn't it make sense mid-afternoon or mid-evening?  You know, after the kids have had lunch or dinner?  No, not our driver.  She has to come through at noon or between 5:00 and 6:30, just about the time Thing One and Thing Two are starving and I am preparing a meal.  I think our driver dislikes parents and purposefully drives through at that time to set off all the kids in the neighborhood.  I swear I heard an evil laugh over the "Popeye the Sailor Man" theme as she drove away.

So, she came through again tonight at dinner time.  Of course, I was in the middle of preparing a delicious meal of freezer burned chicken nuggets and french fries (have I mentioned that I hate cooking?).  Saying no to ice cream on a hot summer day is likely to earn you the Worst Parent of the Year Award.  We have found a way to avoid the angst of no ice cream by making it clear to Thing One and Thing Two that if they want ice cream, they have to pay for it themselves.  They picked up on this quickly and always have a stash of coins prepared for the blessed event.  If they are short, they clean out the couch cushions.  We have avoided the lunch/dinner issue by having them put it in the freezer until after said meal. 

The real point of this post is to discuss how to cultivate kindness in kids.  After Thing One and Thing Two came in from purchasing their goods, I opened the freezer to pull out dinner and saw only one Popsicle.  When I asked Thing One why there was only one treat, he informed me that Thing Two didn't have any money for a treat.  He explained further that he used his last dollar to buy her something rather than for himself.  I was overwhelmed with feelings of pride as my eyes welled with tears. 

We have worked hard over the years discussing and trying to be good role models about generosity with the kids.  We have also worked hard to stress how fortunate the kids are to have each other and that they need to treat each other well.  We have praised the kids for any acts of kindness or generosity that we have seen towards others.  Thing Two, being younger, is by nature more likely to share.  Thing One, on the other hand, is our miniature Alex P. Keaton.  For him to buy ice cream for his sister in lieu of himself was a difficult and unselfish act.  It made me realize that all those discussions about kindness and generosity were not in vain.  So, thank you Ms. Ice Cream Truck Driver for giving me a whole new appreciation for the Popsicle.

What things do you do to encourage kindness and generosity in your children?