The Mentor Mom

Assertiveness 101: Meeting in the middle

We are almost ready to wrap up our discussion on assertiveness.  We have already discussed the passive type and the aggressive type.  Now it is time to discuss how to meet in the middle of these two extremes of the assertiveness continuum, or in other words, being assertive.

Assertive individuals express their feelings and thoughts in a manner which do not infringe on the rights of others.  You've met people like this -- they are respectful, say what they are thinking but always take into account the feelings and impact of their statements on others.  They come across as strong and confident but yet approachable.  They have good eye contact, are good listeners and appear physically relaxed while conversing with others.  Assertive individuals stand up for their personal rights but also respect the opinions of others.

Assertive individuals are much more likely to be successful in relationships, work, and life in general because they understand that the only thing they have control over is themselves.  They get respect because they give respect.  They are not afraid to say to somebody "I want you to know that your comment hurt my feelings."  Will it change what the person said?  No.  Will it change the way that individual interacts with them in the future?  Possibly.  Will the person who expressed their feelings be walking around sulking or being angry wishing they had stood up for themselves?  Absolutely not. 

When discussing assertiveness, I like to use the example of going to the grocery store and having someone cut in front of them in the checkout lane.  We've all had that happen at least once in our lives.  But what do you do?  Do you ignore the cut?  Do you berate the person for being rude>  Or do you say politely but firmly, "Excuse me, but I am next in line.  The end of the line is back there."  Of course, how you respond may depend on your mood that day or how much time you have to shop.  The way to know for sure if you should have said something is if you are still stewing about it when you get out to the parking lot. 

Being assertive doesn't change the situation, but it allows you to rid yourself of unnecessary emotional baggage, i.e., stewing about the person who cut in front of you or about the way your co-worker addressed you in a meeting, etc.   Assertive individuals don't  waste their energy in this way.  I guess an easier way to describe it is that assertive individuals have very good boundaries.

So, back to why I am writing about assertiveness on a parenting blog.  As I discussed in my initial post, our kids learn more from what they see us do than what we tell them.  As parents, we have to be what we want our kids to be.  We want to model healthy boundaries so our kids will be able to navigate the myriad of relationships and situations they will encounter in the grown up world.  This includes modeling good assertive communication with our spouse/significant other, relatives, friends and co-workers. 

And what to do if we slip to either end of the spectrum in front of our kids?  Use it as a learning opportunity.  Explain how you should have handled the situation and why.  It's important for kids to know that we too make mistakes and that rather than beating ourselves up, we use them as ways to learn. 

Next time, I'll share some assertiveness techniques and tips.

Assertiveness 101: The Aggressive Type

Okay, so far in our discussion of assertiveness, we have discussed basic assertive rights as well as the passive end of the assertiveness continuum.  Today, we are going to discuss the other end -- aggressiveness.

Many think of aggressiveness as being a physical thing, e.g., hitting, etc.  While this is sometimes true, aggressiveness can best be described as the infringement on others basic assertive rights.  Here are some characteristics of aggressive individuals:

• low tolerance for frustration
• use of intimidating body language
• talk in a loud or demanding voice
• blame others or point out the fault in others
• be poor listeners, i.e., interrupt, jump to conclusions, etc.
• talk over others

Aggressive communicators often come across as being very angry.  One thing I learned working in the prison with VERY angry individuals is that anger is usually a mask for fear.  It may be a fear of being victimized, taken advantage of or being powerless.  Whatever the case, given the choice between the emotions of fear or anger, many pick anger because it makes them feel less vulnerable at the moment.  So, what are some of the implications of acting with aggressive tendencies:

• people come to fear them
• others try to avoid them
• they use their aggressiveness to avoid others
• they have an external locus of control, e.g., they blame the world for their woes rather than recognizing and accepting responsibility for their actions

My experience has been that aggressive communicators are often very sad and lonely people.  It's as if they recognize that they do not have the quality relationships with others, which just to be clear, they do want.  Despite this, however, their fear of being vulnerable and leaves them feeling that they have not other option but to act in a manner that they feel allows them to regain control.  Using the analogy of a toolbox, aggressive communicators lack to the tools to engage with others in a way where they are still in control, but are also respecting the rights of others.  In other words, they have not learned how to be assertive.  More on that next time...

Do you know someone who is an aggressive communicator?  Do you see any of these tendencies in yourself or perhaps your spouse or child?  Post your comments!

Assertiveness 101: Passive

Okay, continuing our discussion on assertiveness, I would like to talk to day about the passive end of the assertiveness continuum.  The picture to the left is a clue as to what those with passive tendencies end up being -- doormats. 

Know before I get a bunch of nasty comments/e-mails, let me be clear that I don't mean to sound harsh.  I understand how difficult it can be for people who tend to live at this end of the spectrum as, believe it or not, I used to spend much of my time there.  Passive individuals often feel powerless, unheard and unimportant. 

Having said that, my goal in discussing assertiveness is to help you the reader recognize where you are at on the continuum.  As Dr. Phil would say:  1) we can't change what we don't acknowledge; and 2) we teach people how to treat us.  Just something to consider.

Getting back to the topic, here are some characteristics of passive individuals:

• they often avoid conflict
• they have difficulty expressing their feelings, thoughts or opinions
• they allow others to infringe on their personal rights
• often apologize when they don't need to
• display passive body language

Don't discount that last part.  Did you know that only about 10% of communication is our words?  The majority of communication has to do with body language, tone of voice and so on.  Having worked in a prison for several years, I would often ask those who committed random crimes against others how they picked their victims.  They often replied that that there was 'just something about the way they carried themselves.'  Upon further inquiry, this often meant crossed arms, head down, slumped shoulders, etc.   Just something to ponder...

So, what are the implications for passive individuals?  As I said earlier, these individuals often feel powerless, unheard and unimportant.  They also are more likely to feel anxious and even depressed.    Looking at the list of Basic of Assertive Rights discussed last time, passive individuals struggle with:

• Don't stand up for themselves
• Accept being treated in a disrespectful manner
• Very rarely say 'no'
• Do not express their thoughts and feelings
• Have difficulty asking for what they want
• Have difficulty asking for more information or explanation
• Become anxious if they make mistakes
• Often do not feel good about themselves

Keep in mind that for some, passive tendencies may be situational, e.g., they may be passive with certain friends or with the in-laws or in new situations or the like. 

So in summary, passive individuals have a difficult time standing up for themselves thus allowing others to walk on their individuals rights.  This definitely comes at a personal expense.  Do you struggle with being passive?  Is it situational for you?  Share your thoughts and comments!  We will continue our discussion next time...

Assertiveness 101: Basic assertive rights

Continuing our discussion on assertiveness from my previous post, I would like to talk about your rights.  I'm talking about your rights when interacting with others.  The following is from the book The Assertive Option:

1. You have the right to act in a manner that promotes your dignity and self-respect, as long as you do not violate the rights of others with your behavior.
2. You have the right to be treated with respect.
3. You have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty.
4. You have the right to feel and express your feelings.
5. You have the right to take the necessary time to calm down and think.
6. You have the right to change your mind.
7. You have the right to ask for whatever you wish.
8. You have the right to do less than what you would if you were using all your reserves.
9. You have the right to ask for information.
10. You have the right to make mistakes.
11. You have the right to feel good about yourself.

Okay, now the million dollar question:  How many of these rights to you live? 

These rights might sound very basic, but it can be a challenge for even the most assertive person to be consistent.  This brings up a point that needs to be mentioned:  most of us will move around on this continuum.  We might tend to lean towards one side or the other, but we may fluctuate  a bit depending on the situation, our mood, our energy level, etc.  The goal, of course, is to try to stay as close to the middle as possible as this is the communication pattern that is most likely to be leave us feeling at peace. 

So, which of these rights do you struggle the most with?  Post your responses!  And stay tuned -- we will continue our discussion on this topic in the next post.

How assertive are you?

I had a somewhat unconventional job during my college years.  While most worked as clerks, waitresses or bartenders to earn cash, I worked in a mental ward.  Okay, no comments from the peanut gallery.  Needless to say, I saw some very interesting things.  I also saw people who had hit rock bottom and needed to find new skills to help navigate the ups and downs of life. 

As a psychiatric technician, it was my job to plan weekend activities to do with the patients.  I swear to God, if I have to watch the movie Cocoon one more time, I'll scratch my eyes out.  But I digress...  Another part of my responsibilities was to assist the Occupational Therapist who worked in the unit.  Fortunately for me, she ran assertiveness training groups.  I was only eighteen at the time and did not fully appreciate the content of these groups, but I sure do now!

So, why am I bringing this up on a parenting blog?  Because, our children learn more from watching us than anything else.  Especially when it comes to how to treat people and how we allow people to treat us.  This is where the topic of assertiveness comes into play.  If we can model and educate our children on how to be assertive now, what a fantastic gift we are giving them!

So what exactly is assertiveness you may be asking?  Well, let me tell you.  If you looked it up in the dictionary, you would find a definition similar to "aggressive self-assurance" or "given to making bold assertions."  I don't think either of those really summarizes what I am talking about when I think of assertiveness.  I do, however, like the definition I found on TheFreeDictionary.com:  "confident and direct when interacting with others."   The key there being the word "confident."

You can think of assertiveness as a continuum.  I will now make a feeble attempt to illustrate this continuum in the following graphic:

       ___________________________________________________________________________
       Passive                              Assertive                          Aggressive

As you can see, we have passive at one end of the continuum and aggressive at the other.  Assertive is smack dab in the middle.  Interestingly enough, you could also compare this continuum against that of the different parenting styles with permissive on the same end as passive and authoritarian at the opposite end and authoritative in the middle.  Just an observation.

Anyhoo, this is just a quick overview.  I'll give you the skinny on the various aspects of this continuum in future posts.  In the meantime, you can try taking this quiz. 

Boxing Ban...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this isn't a learning tip.  I promise I'll finish that series up soon.  You'll have to forgive me for being absent as of late, but our household has been on lock down due to a very nasty virus that literally put me out of commission for three days.  While my body is recovering, my brain has not yet cleared from the Nyquil induced haze.

Of course, the kids were sick as well.  While flitting from one room to the next administering the appropriate cocktail of Children's Motrin, motherly love and necessary fluids, I nearly broke my neck tripping over a guitar on the floor in my son's room.  That's what started it, i.e., the need for order.  While his room appeared orderly on the surface, upon closer inspection I made an horrific discovery -- my son is a hoarder (insert blood curdling scream here)! 

Before I go on, let me add that we just invested a large amount of money at IKEA purchasing bookshelves, a desk and a multitude of storage bins and containers.  The bins that were once organized by category were now filled with God knows what.  So, the organizational system was set up, but there was some serious lack of follow through on the boy's part.  His solution to cleaning his room?  Secretly keep every box that is up for grabs in the house and jam them in every nook and cranny of his room. 

Needless to say, we dumped every box, bin, and drawer into the middle of the room and started pitching.  I cannot believe the stuff he was keeping, e.g., pieces of paper with one little scribble on it, cut out bookmarks from cereal boxes, toys that hadn't worked in months.  The finally tally when the process was all said and done: 

• Three bags of trash
• Removal of nine boxes of varying sizes
• At least four reams of paper
• A kid who can actually see the top of his desk

I'm not sure I have a point here.  Maybe I feel compelled to write about this because I fear that my son is going to grow up to be a future cast member of Clean Sweep.  Maybe it is because of my years of going into cluttered homes as a CPS worker and seeing how overwhelmed those folks were.  Maybe it is that sometimes the best way to teach our kids about organization is to work along side them during the process.  For know, I think I'll continue to focus my efforts on collaboration in this process rather than expecting him to just do it the way I think he should know how to do it...er, you know what I mean.  At this point, however, I think we will just start with a temporary ban on boxes for one young lad in our household.

How do you keep your kids rooms clutter free?  Do they do it on their own or do you work in collaboration?  Help!  I need YOUR tips!

Minute for Mom: Are your priorities in shape?

In an earlier post, I challenged you to make a list of all the roles that you fill during the week and then to rank them based on how you currently prioritize each role.  Notice how I said currently.  This is where that brutal honesty comes in.  If you weren't brutally honest, give it another go.  There is no cheating when it comes to change.  I mean, I can try to delude myself into believing that I am five pounds lighter when I step on the scale by leaning a bit on the bathroom vanity while I weigh in, but at some point I have to acknowledge that the pizza and nachofest over the weekend have undermined my progress.  But I digress...

Back to your priorities.  Were you surprised by how far up or how far down some of those roles were?  Did you realize that you expending as much energy in some areas and so little in others?  Again, we can't change what we don't acknowledge. 

I remember doing this exercise with a parent a while back who was feeling completely overwhelmed by her home life.  She was feeling unsupported by her husband and was concerned by her deteriorating relationship with her family.  When she made her list, she realized how out of whack her priorities were.  She had put housekeeper, cook and many of those other rather mundane roles way at the top of her list.  Wife and mentor to her children, sadly, were far too close to the bottom.  While she always felt that these were her priorities, she realized that her actions did not support this reality.  She was expending all of her energy trying to manage the daily tasks of running a household when she wanted to be expending energy doing positive things with her husband and children.  It was an eye opener for her. 

Does this sound familiar?  I think most mom's priorities get out of whack from time to time.  The key to getting things back in order is taking some time for ourselves to reflect.  Remember how I said many mom's leave "me" off that list of roles?  That is unacceptable!   

So what can you do to keep your priorities in shape?  Here are some tips:

• Get out the calendar.  Schedule a family meeting at least once a month.  This is a fantastic way to maintain open communication amongst family members.
• Delegate.  As mom's, we often take on way too much responsibility.  Have you ever thought "I might as well do it because nobody else is going to?"  That kind of thinking actually encourages people to not step up to the plate.  Why should they clear the table when good old mom will take care of it?  Kids should have chores.  It helps build self-esteem and teaches responsibility.  Let go of some of those things that take up so much of your time in the course of the week.  Explain to the kids that when they help out, it leaves more time for all of you to do fun things together such as having a family game night.  For more on getting your kids to do chores, check out these posts.
• Set aside time for your spouse.  If you are married, it is important not to let the relationship with your husband slip down your priority list.  It can be hard sometimes if we are not feeling supported by our spouse, e.g., they don't help with the kids, they are off fishing all the time, etc.  Remember, we teach people how to treat us.   Having said that, remember that we give what we get.  I challenge a mom who was frustrated with her spouse to try the "good neighbor" policy, e.g., treating her husband like she would treat a good neighbor.  For example, if he asked her to refill his water, she would say "sure" and do so without grumbling or complaint.  I know, it sounds a bit silly, but it really works!  She reported back that after doing this for a week or so, her husband seemed to tune into her more and was more supportive and helpful around the home when she asked.  The truth of the matter is that when we feel supported and valued by someone, we are much more likely to reciprocate those feelings.  You get what you give.  It is important to have time alone as a couple on a regular basis.  Knowing that it can be hard to get out when you have kids, maybe you plan a special movie night after the kids are in bed, etc.  It is also important to establish with your children that mom and dad need time to discuss and process their day.  Maybe this is done after they are in their rooms for the night or maybe you and your husband go into the den for some uninterrupted discussion.  My husband and I try to do this for about a half hour every day after I get home from work.  We send the kids outside to play and tell them they can come in when mom and dad time is over.  It took some getting used to for them, but they realize now that it is important to us and helps us to be better, happier parents.  What kids doesn't want that!
• Set aside time for your friends.  It is important for us as moms to maintain our relationship with our close friends.  There is nothing like the sisterhood to help center and balance.  Schedule a girls night out (or in) at least once a month.  It can be a huge sanity saver.
• Set aside time for you.  I can't stress this enough!  You need to have time alone at least once a week where you can process and reflect on those things that matter most to you.   My husband and kids have learned over the years that I am a much happier person to be around after I have had some "me" time.  Perhaps it is a long bath while he keeps the kids occupied or maybe it is having the house to myself for an evening while they go out to a movie.  Whatever the case, time alone to re-evaluate our progress in the journey of motherhood is essential.

What things help you keep your priorities in check?  Do you have any thoughts or tips that you would like to share?  Please do!

Minute for Mom: Are you getting lost in the shuffle?

Motherhood.  What does that word really mean?  According to the dictionary, it has several meanings:

• the state of being a mother; maternity
• the qualities or spirit of a mother
• mothers collectively (noun)
• having or relating to an inherent worthiness, justness or goodness that is obvious or unarguable.

Blah, blah, blah. I don't think whoever wrote this definition was a mother.  Qualities or spirit of a mother?  Well for most of us, that would depend on the day, week, month, etc.  I was talking with an overwhelmed mom today about motherhood prompting this post.

I remember as a young social work student learning about role theory.  Being newly married and without kids, I though "Huh, more gobbledygook.  Whatever."  I didn't get it then, but boy do I get it now.   I understand how all the different roles that we have in life are intertwined and how quickly problems in one area can start affecting the other.  Consider for a moment all the different roles that you have in your life.  Here are some examples:

• wife
• mother
• daughter
• sister
• employee (for some)
• housekeeper
• chauffeur
• cook
• teacher
• mentor
• conflict resolution manager
• accountant
• purchasing agent
• business owner
• carpenter
• plumber
• gardener
• entertainment coordinator
• chief of police
• scheduling agent
• dishwasher

The list could go on and on.  Is it any wonder that we feel so overwhelmed?!!   Now granted, we had many of these roles before we got married and had kids, however, all of that was on a much smaller scale.  There are other people that are affected directly by the decisions and way that we handle these different roles.  A modern day mother is the CEO of the household which is no small feat considering all that the people in our organization are not motivated by a paycheck to perform well.

Take another look at that list for a moment.  Maybe some of you have noticed that the list is incomplete?  What could missing...hmmmm.

I'm gonna give you a second to ponder that one...

Still not sure?  Keep thinking...

Okay, okay, how about ME!  Is there any reason that this should not be on the list as well?   I don't think that it was a coincidence that as I was typing this list that "me" never popped into my head.  It was an afterthought.   Isn't that sad?   You all know that it is true.  We regularly put ourselves last on the list and when we do put ourselves first, we often feel guilty! 

I often tell parents that we must nurture ourselves in order to nurture our children.  We can't give what we don't have, so if our emotional well is dry how can we interact in the truly loving and caring ways that we desire?  Care for the caretaker is a must.  We must be good role models about taking care of ourselves, handling stress and having appropriate boundaries (e.g., saying no to those things that we really don't want to do, turning down invites when you really just feel like a quiet evening at home, etc.).   Don't we all want our kids to grow up with these skills?! 

Of course, doing this is easier said than done.  Are you feeling lost in the shuffle?  Not sure?  Here's a challenge for you:

1. Make a list of all the roles that you have in life.  Take time with this list and be sure that you get them all.
2. Rank them. Be brutally honest.  Which roles get the highest percentage of your energy?  What are your priorities?  Is housekeeper at the top of the list?  Where does "wife" rank (sometimes we let that one slip waaaaay down the list which we shouldn't do)? 

We'll talk next time about the results of this little exercise and how to get our priorities back in a healthy balance :)

Blog Blast: What Makes You A Mom?

With Mother's Day coming up, ParentBloggers is holding a Blog Blast!  They are asking bloggers to do a post on Friday, May 11th describing what makes them a mother.  What a great topic, right?  Better yet, one lucky blogger will be selected randomly to win a $100 gift certificate to Spa Finder! 

In addition, LightIris, is giving away $3,000 worth of gift cards including Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn, the Gap and more.  Just a little background:  The founder of LightIris, Kevin Burke, put on a pregnancy suit on April 13th in order to gain a stronger appreciation for what moms go through.  His new site, LightIris, launches on Mother's Day, so go check it out.  I had to give a shout out to any guy that makes an attempt to understand what mom's go through!

Okay, having said all that, it's time to get down to business.  What makes me a mom?  I must admit, that I struggled with this question.  It's easy to come up with the words when thinking about my own mom, my friends or moms that I have met over the years.  Lots of words come to mind, e.g., loving, caring, compassionate, giving, and the list goes on and on.  But to use these words to describe myself?  Well, it seems, I dunno, a bit narcissistic?  I mean as much as I try to emulate those qualities, I don't feel I achieve them often as I should, but then maybe that is one of the things that makes me a mom -- constantly striving to do things better.   Here are some other things that make me a mom:

• I have holes in my socks.
• Most of my shirts have coffee stains on them.
• A "big" night out is dinner at Applebees.
• I look frazzled most of the time, but I really love my life.
• My idea of fun involves Netflix, popcorn, my big comfy couch and two fresh and clean kids.
• I feel incredible guilt if I am unable to attend any school related function.
• I feel excruciating guilt when I FORGET to attend any school related functions, e.g., a special family Thanksgiving dinner (again, I AM SO SORRY KIDS!).
• I used to love having pets but started resenting them as two more mouths to feed and bodies to clean up after upon having children.
• I long for just ONE grown up room free of clutter, toys, backpacks, excess shoes, crayons and pieces of artwork.
• Hearing my kids laugh those really deep belly laughs is like listening to angels sing.
• I still stand in their rooms at night after they fall asleep and thank God for sending me these two precious gifts.
• My kids make me want to be a better person every minute of every day.

So, what makes you a mom?  Post your comments or better yet, join the blog blast and post yourself.  Be sure to link to ParentBloggers to be eligible for the prize.  Good luck!

Aaarrgh! I can't stand my kid: Support for parents on the edge.

That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Some of you reading this may be thinking “How can any parent not like their kids?!” If you are one of those parents, this post may not be for you. You may not have had the same experiences that some of us had. Let me be clear for those of you who are having difficulty with this concept, we love our kids to bits. It’s just that there are times when, despite our desire to ALWAYS have positive feelings about our kids, things just don’t click.

I’ve met a lot of parents over the years that have had moments where they just can’t stand their kids. This, of course, elicits a tremendous amount of guilt, embarrassment, shame and doubt in one’s ability to be a good parent. I know, because I have dealt with this very issue myself. I’m hoping that by sharing what I have learned, I can help some of you out there who may be struggling with the same feelings.

As many of you know, I have two children. A son, age 8, and daughter, age 5. There was a period of time when I just couldn’t stand being around my son. He was about four and a half at the time. He was (and still is to a certain extent) a very strong willed child. Everything was a battle, e.g., dinner time, getting ready in the morning, picking up toys, etc. It seemed that every interaction was negative. I saw him as being extremely sassy and egocentric. I was deeply concerned about his future. I was worried he would grow up to be a self-centered, insensitive individual who had utter and complete disregard for others. I was in tears most nights wondering what I had done wrong as a parent, questioning every decision I had ever made. To make things worse, I ADORED my daughter. In contrast, she was so laid back and joyful. I worried that because she was so “easy” compared to my son, that I would be showing favoritism. Looking back, it is hard to believe that I was as tightly wound as I was, but it is what it is and these are the things that I laid in bed worrying about.

It was a rough time, but it was also an important period that helped me grow as a parent. In one of my moments of despair, I realized that I was spending so much time focusing on my son that I had not spent nearly enough on the real source of the problem – ME!  For years as a social worker, I have been telling people that they are in control of their feelings, e.g., no one else can make them angry, it is their choice to feel that emotion, etc. I needed to practice what I preached!

Below are some thoughts, suggestions and things to consider if you are a parent who is having difficulty “liking” their child at the moment. They helped me through some tough times enable to get back on track to become the parent I wanted to be and have a better relationship with my son: 

· What buttons is your child pushing? Is your reaction really about your child or about something within your own skin? For me, I realized that I was viewing every challenge by my son (which of course was appropriate given his age at the time) as a personal attack on my authority. Of course, I responded defensively. Naturally, the more I tried to maintain control, the harder he fought against it! A very wise therapist once told me, “You can’t take anything your kids do personally.”

· What is your role in the interaction?  Besides taking things personally, I realized that I was way too restrictive with my son. While my daughter didn’t balk at limitations (totally different story now!), my son fought against them. I needed to give him more choices and more involvement in decisions that affected him. I learned how to share more control with him which has made both of us much happier.

· Change your perspective. Look at the positives. Make a list if you need to of all of your child’s wonderful qualities. Reframe the qualities that cause you the most grief. For example, rather than seeing my son as pushy, I started viewing his constant debating to get his way as a skill that needed to be nurtured. Being able to assert oneself is an important life skill. He was just trying to assert himself, but his technique needed some tweaking.

· Change what you do. I needed to react differently to his behaviors, but I also needed to connect with him on a more positive level. Recognizing that need, I made it a priority to spend more one on one time together, e.g., going on dates, hanging out at the bookstore, etc. It really helped me to remember and get back in touch with all the fantastic qualities he possessed.

· What do you need? Are you under stress? Do you need a break? In order to nurture our kids, we must nurture ourselves. Call in some support from friends and family to give yourself a needed break whether it be for an hour or a day. You will be a much better parent for it!

· Cut yourself some slack. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Parenting is a process. There is no one sized, fits all instruction manual. Rather, we learn as we go which means we are bound to make mistakes. Consider, however, that mistakes are valuable learning tools. Take what you learn and resolve to do better the next time.

· Apologize. It is important to apologize to your kids if you’ve lost your cool or reacted in away that you didn’t want to. It will make you both feel better. In addition, you are demonstrating that you are not perfect and it is okay to make mistakes. I am always overcome by children’s ability to forgive and forget so graciously.

I hope that this information is a source of solace for those parents out there that may be struggling with this. For those who haven’t, I hope that this helps you understand those parents who do struggle so that you can provide them with much needed empathy and support. 

Of course, this is not to say that there aren’t still times where I don’t particularly like being around my kids. But I realize now that it is okay because there are certainly times that they don’t like being around me! This is a part of being a family. Bad moods, stress and other things happen. It is a part of life. The important thing is to recognize when you are going through it, pull back, regroup and get yourself back on track.

So, have you had times were you just don’t like your kid(s)? How did you get past it? Post any suggestions or thoughts!