The Mentor Mom

Toxic Relationships: The In-Laws

Yesterday, we started a conversation about toxic relationships.  You may be asking why I am discussing this as it is unrelated to parenting.  Oh, so not true.  Toxic relationships with family members do affect parenting as well as our marriage which ultimately affects our children.

Consider this, the young girl who grows up witnessing domestic violence between her mother and father who then ends up in an abusive relationship as an adult.  Or the child who grows up in a home with an alcoholic parent who enters into a marriage with an alcoholic as well.  Or perhaps, the child who witnesses verbal abuse between his parents and then ends up in a relationship where he/she is verbally abused. 

Of course, this is not to say that it is the destiny of every child who witnesses or experiences the things in these scenarios to end up this way, but in my experience, it increases the likelihood greatly.  We seek out what we know, sometimes even when we know it isn't good.  Familiarity can sometimes out weigh logic.  I want to make sure I am clear about how toxic relationships CAN affect our parenting. 

So, let's talk about in-laws.  Now I know there are some out there who have wonderful relationships with your in-laws and enjoy their company.  Lucky you!  But I also know that there are many out there who can't stand their in-laws and consider this relationship to be toxic, either to them, their spouse (who often doesn't see it) or to their children.

Here are some important things to keep in mind about in-laws:

• They are your spouse's parents so they must have some good qualities.  After all, they raised the individual with whom you have chosen to share your life.
• Don't bad mouth your spouse's family to him.  Even though he may be aware that his parents are overbearing, rude or whatever the case, they are still his parents and in most situations, he will want to defend them.

So what can you do to navigate a toxic relationship with in-law?

• Pick and choose your battles.  Some things are not worth starting an argument about.  Little passive aggressive comments behind your back or to your spouse may not be worth addressing, but making disrespectful comments to you in front of your kids?  I don't think so.
• If the relationship is particularly contentious, discuss your concerns with your spouse.  It is not acceptable for his parents to disrespect either of you in your home or in front of your children.  Your spouse should address this directly with his parents, even though he may not want to.  And likewise, you should be the one to discuss any issues between your spouse and your parents.  One of the most difficult things that we sometimes have to do in marriage is stand up to our parents when they have stepped out of line with our spouse or children.
• If you are able to do so in a calm and respectful fashion, try talking to your in-laws directly about how you feel, e.g., "I feel hurt when you make negative comments about my housekeeping."  Even though it may not stop them from continuing, expressing your feelings in itself be empowering.
• If the in-laws are receptive to the discussion (you agree to disagree about things), set some ground rules, e.g., we agree not to talk negatively about each other in front of the kids, etc.
• If the contentious behavior does not stop, you and your spouse will need to discuss how to proceed.  You need to come to a compromise that both of you can live with, e.g., your husband takes the kids over for visits with his parents without you, etc.
• We don't have to like our in-laws, but we should be cordial to them for the sake of our children.  They love their grandparents unconditionally and could become confused by negative comments or statements by you.  They may feel that they are betraying you by going with their grandparents despite the fact that they love and enjoy being with them.
• Along the same lines, don't talk negatively about the grandparents in front of your kids for the exact same reason.

Of course a caveat to this discussion would be situations where contact with in-laws put your child at risk of abuse, neglect or emotional trauma.  Your child's physical and emotional well being is the number one priority.

How do you get along with your in-laws?  Have you had to have a tough conversation with them and if so, how did it go?

Toxic Relationships

Relationships.  Rewarding but sometimes complex, they are a necessary part of our daily lives.  They require work, effort and nurturing to remain healthy.  But in some cases, relationships become toxic.  Most of us have had experience with an unhealthy relationship with others, maybe at work, or when we were dating or maybe you are in a committed relationship that is toxic (that discussion will need a whole separate post). 

It is easier to sever toxic relationships with co-workers, former friends and girlfriends/boyfriends.  But what about when the toxic relationship is with a family member?    Maybe a parent, a sibling, a grandparent or maybe in-laws.  Identifying and managing toxic relationships with family is extremely difficult.  Remember the old saying "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family?"

I'm sure most of you are able to identify when a relationship is toxic to you.  Common emotional responses include anger, sadness, hurt, and frustration.  What it really comes down to is the sense of not feeling valued, heard or respected by the offending party.  Most of us have at least one best friend.  Think about how you feel when you are with this person.  They make you feel good about yourself.  They listen without judgment.  You feel validated, important but most of all, you trust that this person would never intentionally hurt you so you allow yourself to become vulnerable to them.

So what if you or your spouse are engaged in a toxic relationship with extended family members?  How do you navigate that?  Do you suck it up and endure the hurt and the pain?  Do you sever the ties removing them from your life and that of your children taking the risk of alienating the rest of the family as well?  How do you explain the lack of contact to your children?  How much information do you share?  How do you keep your spouse from getting stuck in the middle of family conflict?  Tough questions.  Next time, some possible answers.

What experiences have you had with toxic relationships?  Do you have a conflict with a close family member or in-law?  Have you been able to resolve it and if so how?  Or are you stuck? 

Woohoo! Check it out!

Looky, looky folks!  I've finally grown up and gotten my blog redesigned!  No more boring colors.  No more stark white background.  Gone is the barely noticeable pink lettering.  Adios!  Auf Wiedersehen.  Itte kimasu.  Ciao.  Don't let the door hit you in the...well, you know what I mean.

Of course, I can not take credit for the re-design as I am completely computer illiterate when it comes to such matters.  I was fortunate to secure the services of the fabulous Izzy of Designs by Izzy.  Many of you may be familiar with her little logo (see the sidebar) as she is responsible for many of the brilliant and creative blog designs out there.  Thank you Izzy for your wonderful work and for those of you considering a redesign of your site, you MUST check her out!

The redesign couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.  Working for a school system by day, fall is like the beginning of a new year.  My creative juices are flowing.  I am ready to start new and big projects.  My energy level is high and I am eager to put the pedal to the metal and kick out some stuff that is going to enlighten, engage and empower you as a parent.

But, I need your help.  What are your most pressing concerns?  What is the thing that you struggle with the most?  Is it getting your partner on the same page with you?  Or maybe it is bedtime battles.  Or maybe it is how to juggle work, kids, a hubby and still have time for yourself.  Think about it and post what comes to mind. 

Aaarrgh! E-mail problems!

Aaarrgh!  I have a love/hate relationship with my computer.  I love the ability to cruise around and keep in touch with people, but I HATE it when I have technical problems!

I've noticed through site meter several out clicks to e-mail me, however, I haven't gotten the e-mails.  Of course I understand that this could be that people changed their minds or hit the "e-mail me" button by mistake.  But, I want to make sure that I am not missing messages from anyone.  I respond to each and every e-mail I receive from yall so if you e-mailed me and never got a response I never got the message. 

I am in the process of trying to rectify this situation and have opened a new e-mail account with a different service.  So, for those of you that may have attempted to contact me but never got a response, I apologize.  Please feel free to contact me at my new address:  thementormom@hotmail.com. 

I want to make sure my new e-mail is working so I need your help.  I'm asking that you send me an e-mail.  It can be about anything or nothing.  Of course, I would love feedback on the blog content, ie, is it helpful, what would you like to see more or less of, etc.  I would also love to get any questions or things you are struggling with as a parent along with your permission to post my answer on my site.  "Anonymous" questions are fine as well.  So please, fill my e-mail box with some love!

Thanks and, again, I apologize for any inconvenience any of you may have experienced in trying to reach me. 

Tending your garden...

I was out doing some yardwork this past weekend.  For the record, I love beautiful gardens, but hate gardening.  I'm more inclined to pick the plants and design the garden and then leave the actual dirty work to my husband. 

But this past Sunday, I got out of the house and started tending to some of the overgrown areas in our yard.  This in anticipation of my favorite season -- fall.  Crisp air, the changing leaves, visits to the pumpkin patch...aaahh, I am so ready for the fall.

As I pulled the weeds from the various beds, I was amazed at how they had become overrun.  Without regular attention, the flowers that were so carefully picked out when the garden was initially planned, were quickly being choked out by unwanted invaders.  Choke weed wrapped itself around butterfly bushes and russian sage slowly draining the life out of them.

It got me to thinking of the correlation between gardening and raising children.  Had I REALLY been tending to my children the way I needed to be?  Of course their physical needs are being met, but have I been meeting their emotional needs?  Was I allowing weeds to interfere with my parenting?  For example, had I been expending my energies in other areas to the detriment of my interactions with my kids?  My "weeds" would include working on my business, excessive computer time, tending to the house, etc.  Motherly guilt started setting in and I realized that I was disconnecting and my priorities were out of whack.

In the end, I was able to get the gardens tended to and my priorities back in order.  The flowers are now thriving...and more importantly, so are my kids.

What does your garden look like?

Getting Your Kids Outside

I recently posted an entry at my minti site TheMentorMom.minti.com about my frustration in getting my kids outside (here's the link:  Getting the Kids Outside).  Getting my kids to play outside in our yard is a source of frustration for me. 

In order to keep them from experiencing "nature deficit disorder,"  we are off today to spend the day at the lake.  Unlike our home, my children play for HOURS outdoors at the lake, swimming, fishing, exploring.  Sigh.  If I only had a lake in my backyard...

Thought I'd share this interesting article on the importance of getting kids outside to experience nature.  Please feel free to post your experiences with getting your kids outside to experience nature.  Is it a hassle or do they love it?  Make sure you share any tips that have worked for your family for those of us who have kids that would rather be inside turning pasty white.

Enjoy and until next time!

Difficult conversations with other parents.

Have you ever had to have a difficult conversation with another parent about their child's behavior?  Maybe her child was seen pushing another child down or took a toy away from your child at a playgroup?  Or perhaps you are noticing that their child appears to be a little behind in his or her development.  How do you discuss these concerns with another parent without it ending an an argument? 

As someone who has had to have MANY difficult conversations with parents over the years (e.g., telling parents that their children were being removed from their care due to abuse or neglect, or telling parents that their child shows signs of autism, etc.), I've learned some things about discussing tough topics:

• Pick and choose your battles.  Is the child doing something that impacts yours?  Is the child hurting other children?  Or is this a problem that can easily be solved by removing yourself and your child from the situation, such as a playgroup or play area at the mall?  I think we all have a responsibility to address dangerous behaviors that impact the safety of any child so if you see that a child is hurting others, I encourage you to address the issue. 
• Be clear about your own values and expectations as a parent.  It is sometimes helpful to ask yourself "Is this issue a REAL problem for me or my child or is this just a difference in personal values or parenting style?"
• Put yourself in that parents shoes.  Think about how you would want to be approached if your child was hitting or pushing others.
• Choose your words carefully.  Use non-judgmental statements.  For example, "Wow, he sure has a lot of energy!" for a child who is very active.  Maybe a follow up of "Does he wear you out or what?"  Sometimes this can open the door for parents to share their frustrations or concerns about behaviors, e.g., "He sure does.  I get so frustrated with him.  I don't know what to do sometimes."
• Share something about yourself.  If you have a relevant personal experience and depending on your comfort, consider sharing it with the parent.  For example, "I remember when Tommy was little.  He was a terror at playgroups!  He always pushed the other kids out of his way to get to the slide.  It was so frustrating!  Anyhow, it took a lot of hard work, but we eventually got him to understand that pushing isn't nice."
• Use empathy.  Empathy can take you a long way in difficult situations.  Statements such as "parenting is so hard" or "you sound overwhelmed" or "that has to be hard for you" and the like let the other parent know that you are listening and that you understand.
• Look closely at their facial expression and body language.  Many times people fail to notice changes in facial expression or body language.  I often can see a softening in peoples eyes and facial expressions indicating sadness or anxiety.  When I do observe this, I follow up with an empathetic statement, eg, "Are you OK?" or "You look sad."  This often leads to the parent opening up and sharing their own concerns.
• Ask the parent for his or her take on the situation.  We may notice something that bothers us, e.g., a child who is not walking well or speaking well, but it may not bother the parent.  Ask them for their feelings on the matter before sharing yours, e.g., "I notice that Tommy seems to fall down a lot when he is walking.  Does that ever concern you?"  They may respond "no."  A follow up could be something like "Oh, OK.  I was just going to say, I know someone who's three year old did the same thing and she talked to her doctor about it.  He referred her son to see a physical therapist and he is doing great now."  This may open up more dialog on the subject or not.  If the parent drops it, so should you.
• Always stand up for your child and his or her safety.  If you have a standing play date with a parent whose child pushes and hits, you need to stand up for your child's safety.  If your child is older, you can talk to him about how to keep himself safe.  Perhaps you stop the play dates until your child is older and is able to better defend himself.  Or maybe you address your concern with the parent using some of the above tips.  It may have a negative impact on your friendship, but your child's safety is more important. 

I hope you find these tips helpful.  This is a hard topic.  I would love to field any questions about situations you have encountered or to hear from you a situation and how you ultimately handled it.  Best of luck!

Linky Love Sunday!

Happy Sunday all!  As I said in yesterday's post, I have declared Sunday's Linky Love day at The Mentor Mom.  I am going to do my best to stay off the computer on Sundays.  I figured out I had a problem when I noticed what appear to be permanent indentations from my laptop on my upper thighs.  I can take a hint.

Here are some of the humorous posts I have found around the blogosphere this week.  I certainly identified with each.  These should get your week off to a good start:

• Mom-101 has a hilarious post about the activities of toddlers.  Be sure to read the comments!
• Mrs. Fortune shares her story of a not so good experience at a restaurant.
• The Random Muse shares the perils of watching your favorite television show with a less than interested husband.  Oy, we have all been there (especially the hissing part).
• Any one out there got a sassy four year old?  Figured out how to deal with it?  Then go over and leave some words of wisdom at The Mommy Files...four IS much worse than two isn't it?

That's it for Linky Love this week.  Until next time, have a great Sunday :)

Preparing for Back to School

Wow, I can't believe that the summer is almost over!  Where does the time go?  It seems that we have yet to complete all the summer activities on our "to do" list.

Seeing as school is only a few weeks away, it is time in our household to work towards getting back on a regular routine. This will be easier for Thing One as he is going into the third grade.  He knows the drill.

For Thing Two, however, it is going to be a bigger change.  She is starting kindergarten (sniff, sniff).  Hold on, I have to wipe the tears out of my eyes.  There, all better.  I can't believe my baby is starting kindergarten.  My word, they do grow up way too fast.

Although Thing Two was in preschool last year as well as daycare, the shift to all day kindergarten will be big.  We are fortunate to send our children to a school that gives parents an option as to whether they want their children in kindergarten all day or half day.  We chose the all day option for Thing One when he was five and he loved it.  I'm hoping that Thing Two will transition into this format easily as well.

So what things can be done to help children prepare for and transition into a school setting whether it be preschool or kindergarten?  Here are some suggestions:

• Start putting the kids to bed earlier.  During the summer bedtimes often get later and later.  If I hear, but the sun is still up one more time, I swear...  Anyhow, it is helpful to gradually start moving up bedtime so it isn't such a shock when school starts.
• Start getting them up earlier.  I don't know about you, but I like to sleep in on my days off in the summer and so do my kids.  We are typically up by 9:00, but sometimes we sleep in until 10:00!  That's a far cry from the 6:30 a.m. wake up calls during the regular school year.  Starting to bump up the wake up call can reduce early morning rushes when school starts.
• Teach them how to prepare the night before.  This can be a HUGE time saver in the morning.  Starting early at teaching your kids these skills will make your life so much easier later on while building your kids self-esteem.  Thing One is 8 and he gets his backpack out the night before and loads it with anything he plans to take to school, e.g., homework, books for reading during free time, or treasures that he wants to show his friends at recess.  This decreases the "I forgot syndrome" in the morning as the car is backing out of the garage.  He has been doing this since kindergarten (with a little prompting or friendly reminders here and there) and is now able to do this on his own.  Think about how this skill will help him later in life at college and at work.
• Lay out their clothes.  This can be a battle in the morning for many parents.  The school our kids attend requires uniforms so putting out clothes is not much of an ordeal in the morning because choices are limited.  However, mismatched socks, lost shoes and favorite clothing items that may not be appropriate for wearing to school or because of the weather can make it difficult to get out the door in time.  Spend the time the night before helping your child pick out what they want to wear and lay it out in the same area each night, e.g., a table, chair, etc.  Again, this is a skill that can help them later on as adults.
• Teach them how to make their own lunches.  There may be some parents who want to keep making their kids lunches and if you are one of them, disregard this bullet point.  I personally hate making lunches and always have.  While we usually take advantage of hot lunches at school just for this reason, there are days where my kids want to take their own lunch.  My son started making his own lunches at the age of five (with some supervision).  We made the process easier by putting bins with healthy snacks in the cupboard so they were easily accessible.  We laid the ground work by teaching him that the lunch should include a sandwich (or sometimes cheese and crackers...my kids LOVE cheese), a fruit and a dessert (usually a low-fat pudding).  In addition, we had his choice of an all natural fruit pouch or a little jug of milk.  He was so proud when he made his first lunch.  And just think, I won't have to be doing that when he is thirteen.  Phew, what a relief.
• Get an alarm clock.  I decided early on with my kids that I didn't want them to rely on me to be their personal alarm clock as they got older.  As a result, we went to the store last year and found two alarm clocks that are easy for them to operate.  Thing One has his down and sets it every school night before he goes to bed.  We are still working on this with Thing Two.  I'll keep you posted...

Some of you reading this may be thinking "Man, that is one lazy mom!"  For the record, I am lazy but not about personal responsibility.  As parents, it is important for us to teach our kids skills that are going to benefit them as adults.  Teaching them how to take care of themselves is one of our most important responsibilities.  Often, I think parents underestimate kids ability to do things like prepare lunches or manage household chores (more on that later!).

I often challenge parents to look to the future with their children.  Do you want to be waking your child up when he or she is 14?  If you do, carry on as their personal alarm clock.  If you don't, consider laying the foundation for them doing this on their own early on.  We are all creatures of habits.  The longer you wait to lay the foundation for self-care skills, the harder it is going to be for them to change. 

Of course, when I talk about laying the foundation you must make sure that your expectations are appropriate for your child's age.  For example, a three year old might have difficulty figuring out an alarm clock (although I know some who can operate entire home theater systems...amazing).  Younger children are going to need support, encouragement, some assistance and lots of patience while learning these important life skills.

What is your routine like?  Do you have some helpful tips or strategies to help prepare your kids for school?   Post your thoughts, comments and suggestions!

Don't be so quick to judge.

Have you ever gone to a playgroup or the play area at the mall and seen a small child push another?  How about a toddler who screams and screams when his parents attempt to get him to sit rather than stand on the slide or to move so another child can take a turn?  Maybe you've seen a little one who runs out of the play area only to scream like a banshee every time his parents try to return him.

What thoughts go through your mind when you see this?  That child is out of control.  I would never let my child act that way in public.  Why don't the parents do something.  What is wrong with them?!

Have you ever seen a parent chastise another parent because of their child's behavior in public?  Have you ever done this yourself?

Some parents are quick to judge others parenting skills.  Admit it, we all do it to some extent.  Maybe we don't say it out loud, but we sometimes think it.

Well, here is something for you to consider the next time you see an out of control child in public -- maybe the child is special needs.    I work with many special needs children who display the behaviors described above.  Some may have autism or perhaps sensory integration disorder.  Whatever the diagnosis, these behaviors are not atypical.

As an interventionist, I hear too many reports from the families I work with about being confronted in public by a parent about their child's behavior.  Unfortunately, this is not always done in an appropriate manner.  The critics are often condescending and judgmental. 

What a horrible experience for these parents to have to endure!  To have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of learning that your child has a developmental delay is heartbreaking and anxiety provoking enough.  Add to that insensitive comments from strangers about your inability to control your child!  My heart breaks every time I hear one of these stories.

Now I don't want anyone out there to feel that I am chastising them.  That is certainly not the intent of this post.  Rather, I want to get you thinking.  It is easy to make judgments about others, but how fair is it if we do not consider all the situational factors?  Just keep in mind that there might be more going on than meets the eye the next time you see an out of control child.

I'd love to hear from you.  Have you encountered this situation in public?  Do you have a special needs child or a relative with a special needs child?  Have they encountered this?  Post your thoughts and comments.