The Mentor Mom

Inside the minds of school aged kids...

You know, I remember after getting through a bumpy patch with my son during the sassy preschooler stage thinking, "Phew, things should get a bit easier for a while."  Boy, was I wrong. 

Don't get me wrong, the behaviors got easier to deal with, but the issues got deeper, e.g., not fitting in, being left out, bullying, etc.  I think sometimes we as adults forget how hard it can be to navigate the elementary school years from a kid's point of view.  I add that last phrase as often, we see these issues as "nothing big" to quote a well intentioned dad I know.  Of course, to our kids these issues are huge.  Navigating the social strata of the school environment can make the remainder of their school experiences a blessing or a curse. 

The question is, how do we help our kids through tough times in school?  I think the biggest road block is finding out what is going on at school.  Oh sure, they will tell us about the comings and goings of kids and who got in trouble during casual conversations in the car or at the dinner table.  But how often do they share the things that are worrying them most?  It takes a conscious effort on our part to seek this information out as well as finesse to do so in a way that makes our children open to sharing their biggest fears.

Case in point, Thing One has been in a funk mood for about a week.  He has just been more emotional and somewhat sullen or melancholy.  It was apparent to my husband and I that he was stressed about something.  It took one of our pillow time talks (which admittedly has not been occurring as frequently as they should) and some well worded questions to open the flood gates.  So many worries were swirling around that little head!  After about an hour of listening and empathizing, he was able to get out all his worries and I am happy report that my little guy is back to his happy self.

So, I thought I would share some tips on how to get inside the mind of school aged kids.  One of the best ways to do so is to ask open ended questions. I know, this sounds like common sense, but it can be tricky.   

• For example, "what's wrong" is often followed by "I don't know."  Not that it works all the time, but sometimes you can follow that up with a trick question such as "If you did know, what would it be?"  This question often throws kids off so much that they are able to answer it.
  
• Ask them about their worries or concerns.  This type of questioning is a great way to get kids talking.  Phrasing such as "I wonder if you have any worries or concerns about anything?"  If they seem confused, it often helps to clarify that question such as "You know, worries or concerns.  Like this week, I am worried about whether I am going to be able to get everything I need to get done before the party at our house on Friday."   You can ask the question according to location, e.g., "I wonder if there is anything that worries or concerns you at school" or "at home" or "during baseball practice," etc.  Kids carry worries and concerns just as we do. 
• Be a good listener.  We often want to go into "fix it" mode or solve the problem for them which often falls on deaf ears.  Imagine telling a co-worker about a really concerning question and they go right into "Well, all you have to do is..."  Chances are you are going to feel that they don't get you or understand what you are feeling.  The key to being a good listener is to be empathetic.  If your child says they are being left out of games at recess, follow up with an empathetic statement, e.g., "That must make you feel lonely?"  When kids realize that we "get them," they are going to be more willing to share those worries and concerns and to consider any suggestions we might have for them on how to handle the situation.  Of course this works with grown ups too.  One of my favorite sayings is "People don't care what you know until they know that you care."
• On that last point, ask permission to share advice.  Nobody likes feeling lectured, especially our kids.  If you have some advice to share, ask them if they want to hear it first.  Nine times out of ten, they will say "yes."  By asking permission, you are letting them know that you want to help but respect their right to solve the problem on their own.
• Keep in mind that as parents, kids often don't get that we had the same experiences in school.  When we try to share the "when I was a kid" stories, they often shut down.  Despite this, your childhood experiences can be helpful especially if you share the stories with a twist.  For example, instead of using "when I was a kid" make it about "I once new a kid who..."  Sometimes it is easier for our children to envision other kids having similar experiences versus their parents who they see as invincible.

So, how do you get inside the mind of your child?  Any tips or strategies that you have found helpful?  Please share your suggestions with all!

Connecting with Your Kids: Try a Family Meeting

I don’t know about you, but connecting with my kids on a regular basis seems to be getting harder and harder as they get older. Don’t get me wrong, we have dinner at the table regularly, we talk on the way to school, etc. But sometimes, it feels like we are catching up on things or giving reminders about important dates on the fly. Hardly effective communication.

Several years back, I was on a quest to find ways to strengthen our family. One of the most helpful things that we have implemented was the family meeting. I've actually blogged about this before, but feel that it is such a valuable tool in connecting with your kids that it deserves to be mentioned again.

Now, when most of us hear the phrase “family meeting,” our minds immediately jump to the conclusion that there is some sort of problem that needs to be addressed. Yes, family meetings can be used to address problems, but they can also be used as a way to connect as a family.

I want to use the analogy of a business (again) to explore this point. Most employers have regular staff meetings, right? These meetings are used to discuss what is going well, what things need to be tweaked, upcoming events or changes and to celebrate individual accomplishments not to mention regular team building activities. These are usually done on a monthly basis.

So why don’t we do this as a family?! Maybe some of you out there do and good for you if you are, but most of us (myself included) try to accomplish all this in between trips to the doctor, school, piano practice, and the list goes on and on. Regular family meetings offer a number of benefits:

· Develop a forum for family members to regularly discuss concerns.

· Provide parents an opportunity to address any potential issues affecting the family.

· Offer family members a place to share and celebrate accomplishments

· Build cohesiveness amongst family members and develop the family as a “team.”

· Family meetings establish a consistent opportunity to communicate as a family.

So, how do you go about having your first family meeting? That depends entirely up to you and how structured you want the meeting to be, what you hope to accomplish, etc. Here’s a basic recipe for those who are looking for something a little more structured:

· Find a place to meet. Pick a comfortable place to meet that can accommodate everyone then gather them up. We find that the dining room table works nicely since we usually do some sort of activity as a part of the meeting. Do it in a place that is going to work best for you.

· Explain the purpose. Explain why you are having the family meeting. For example, we told our kids that we wanted to meet on a regular basis to make sure that everyone was happy and healthy and to make sure things were going well for everyone.

· Do a check in. Start it out on a positive note by doing a “check in” with everyone. This is a technique used frequently in group therapy. It is a great way to gauge what kind of mood or day individuals have had. We like to have family members say something great about there day or say something nice that someone has done for them that day.

· Pick a topic to discuss. Meetings are a great way to discuss progress on household rules. They are also a great way to plan family vacations, weekend activities, birthday parties, doing a charitable act as a family or celebrating a major accomplishment such as a long, sought after “A” on a math test.

· Do an activity. You could also use the time to do an activity as a family such as a craft project, play a board game, bake a cake for a loved one or work on the family photo album. A great first time activity is to make a coat of arms. Have your kids decorate a cardboard shield. Gather some old magazines and have them make a collage with pictures of things that are meaningful to your family.

These are just some ideas. The key here is to do what feels comfortable to you as a parent and for your kids. Remember, the goal is ultimately to establish and ongoing way to connect with your kids. Most parents of teens will tell you that this gets more difficult as they get older, however, young kids who experienced family meetings on a regular basis hopefully will continue to be interested in participating as they get older.

Here are just a couple of thoughts on how to keep it fun and how to maintain order: 

· You might want to incorporate a healthy snack into your family meeting. My kids LOVE popcorn, so we often incorporate this into the meeting as a special treat. That is sure to keep them at the table!

· Share the role of moderator. If your kids are older, you can give them the opportunity to be the moderator of the meeting. It might be helpful to write down the topics or activities to be discussed at the meeting for them ahead of time. What a great way for them to develop leadership skills especially for the younger kids. You can learn a lot about your child’s personality by giving them this power!

· If you have a lot of kids or some particularly chatty family members, you may want to use a “talking stick.” Whoever holds the talking stick is the only one who can talk. The other members need to wait until they are given the talking stick to speak. This can be a tough one, but with practice, the kids usually figure out that if they want people to stop talking with they have the stick they have to do the same for others. You can make your own talking stick, buy a wand at a store, use a stick of wood or even a feather. It really doesn’t matter what it is, what is more important is what it represents – respect for the speaker.

If you are looking for additional ideas or more information on family meetings, check out Our Family Meeting Book by Elaine Hightower and Betsy Riley.  It is a great resource to keep on hand if you are running out of ways to keep your meetings fresh. 

I hope some of you find this information helpful. For those of you who have not yet held a family meeting, I would be interested to hear if you give this a go and how it turned out. I know it has been a valuable tool in keeping our family connected!

Weekly Parent Challenge: Date Night

My friend, Jen Lemen, over at Minti wrote an article a while back challenging member to consciously give their children their total attention on a regular basis.  That shouldn't be so hard, should it?  Well, for some of us (me included!) it is! 

There is an old saying that "we teach what we want to become."  I strive to be the best possible parent that I can to my children.  It is my purpose in life.  I also know that it is my life's mission to encourage and educate other parents to do the same along the way.  So in keeping with that vein, I am going to try to post weekly challenges here that encourage connecting with your kids.  They are really for me to keep on track.  If others want to join me along the  way, all the better! 

I would like to challenge parents not only to devote 15 minutes per day to giving their children their total attention, but to do at least one planned activity per week to connect with their kids.  This weeks challenge:  A date night with one of your kids.   This could be a trip to the park, bowling, going to the library or painting fingernails.  The idea is that you plan something you know your child will enjoy and that it is one on one.  I am planning on taking my daughter on a date this weekend as we are long overdue.  We will be going to see Charlotte's Web.

Do you want to participate in this challenge?  Post your commitment/intentions in the comment section or if you are looking for more support and encouragement, you can join the Total Attention Challenge group at Minti.  Either way, I hope you join me this week.  Here's to connecting with our kids!

Yay, we did it! Er, well sort of...

Well, we finally did it!  We finally went letterboxing!  What a day.  It was gorgeous and sunny here in Michigan so we decided to take "The Beast" on the adventure.   We picked a trail on the way up to the grandparents cottage (can't miss a free Sunday dinner!).  Prior to leaving, I packed backpacks for the kids with their adventure stuff, e.g., binoculars, sunglasses, a compass, a snack and water bottle. 

My backpack included a notepad, stamp, ink pad, a water bottle and camera (of course, the batteries died right after taking the photo at the right).  In addition, I had the printed out clues from the letterboxing website. 

The trail we picked was at a park on a lake.  It was breathtakingly beautiful.  I'm so bummed that the batteries in the camera died so I couldn't share it with all of you!  We pulled our clue sheet out and headed down the trail.  Walking through the woods with the kids was fantastic.  They were brimming with excitement looking for clues under every rock, tree and leaf. 

Despite our best efforts, however, we didn't find the letterbox :(  The clues to this particular trail were particularly tricky.  It was hard to discern which sentence went with which clue as they mixed compass readings with verbal cues, e.g., "go 270 degrees" followed by "Indian Joe knew what he was doing, he was always right."  All right, which is it?  Do we go 270 degrees or do we go right? 

There are a couple things we would do differently next time.  First, we would pick a shorter trek.  I'll be the first to admit that I am out of shape, but when the kids started dragging we knew this was too long of a hike being first timers.  Second, we would pick an easier letterbox to find.  Most trails are rated by difficulty level.  I picked this trail since it was on the way up to the cottage.  I'll re-think this next time.

Our adventure today was one of our efforts to complete the Total Attention Challenge. I must say that the activity received a resounding thumbs up from all involved.  My husband and I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that we were getting much needed exercise and having fun doing it (I never thought I would write exercise and fun in the same sentence).  Being out in nature was invigorating to say the least.  All in all, we had at least four hours of uninterrupted fun with our kids.  We are hooked and will definitely go letterboxing again. 

Have you been participating in the Total Attention Challenge?  It's never too late and I promise you that you will be happy you did.  We are only on day three with four to go and I'm looking forward to every minute :)

Take the Total Attention Challenge!

I read a really good book a while back.  It was called "The Power of Full Engagement."  Yeah, I know the title doesn't sound so interesting, but it was recommended by Oprah sooooo I had to get it.  The book talks about how individuals are not managing their energy effectively.  Boy, that sounds familiar!

The authors use their many years of experience working with highly successful athletes to discuss energy levels.  They point out that athletes focus all of their energy into training in preparation for sports competitions.  They are fully engaged in the moment.  They contend that we could learn a lot and significantly improve our lives if we did the same.

How many of you have gone on a family vacation recently?  Did you take a laptop or cell phone?  Were you checking work related things when you should have been spending time with your family?  I have to admit, I've done this in the past. 

Being "fully engaged" means focusing all your attention in whatever it is that you are doing, i.e., talking on the phone to a friend without trying to check your e-mail, listening to your husband's day without thinking about your grocery list, or playing and talking with your child without distraction.  I do my best to be fully engaged with my family, but have to admit, I've fallen off the wagon recently. 

But then, I read Jen Lemen posted the Total Attention Challenge on her minti blog.  She is challenging all her readers to select three times a day to give their children 100% of their attention.  I'm in and plan to do it on Friday.  I will be reporting back on how it went.  Won't you do the same?  Just click on the link and give it a whirl.  You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.  You can post how you did with the challenge here or over at Jen's minti blog.  Let's see how many parents we can get to do this so spread the word!!

Game Night

I'm always looking for ways to spend quality time together as a family.  I remember as a kid playing dominoes and other games once a week with my family.  It was a great bonding time. 

What with winter coming and all of the rain this past weekend, I decided it was time to have our own family game night.  Don't get me wrong, we do things together as a family, i.e., meals, movie night, breakfast at the coffee shop, etc., but things have gotten a little "routine" to say the least.

So I decided to update our board game collection.  Oh we have the standards, i.e., Candyland, Jenga and Chutes and Ladders (is it just me or does that game take waaaaaay tooooo loooonnggg to play?).  Given the ages of my kids (5 and 8), I picked up Monopoloy Jr., some Spongebob playing cards, a Dr. Seuss card game and finally, the Spongebob version of the Game of Life (which was one of my favorites as a kid).

The kids were so excited to see the new collection and quickly chose the Spongebob Game of Life for the evening activity.  After dinner, we set the board game up, popped some popcorn and went over the very complex rules.  With some trepidation on my part about whether Thing Two would be able to tolerate a game with so many rules and complex topics (buying a house, paying rent, etc.), we got started.

My husband and I were amazed.  Thing One was ALL over this game and Thing Two had no difficulty following the rules and understanding the concepts (with a little bit of help) despite the game being for children ages 7 and up.  I thought about how much they were learning:

• Do I go to college or get right into a career?
• Do I buy the cool house or the one that costs less?
• Do I choose to be an ice cream vendor with a salary of $300 or a detective with a salary of $600
• Do I do the raffle given the possibility that I may lose my hard earned money?

As the game went on, I watched Thing Two carefully counting her money and weighing out her choices.  Thing Two was conspiring on how he could get the most $1,000 bills.  It was fantastic.  The kids were still talking about the game this morning and begging to play it again.  I'd say game night was a hit.

Do you do a game night?  What fun activities or rituals do you do to connect with your kids?

Family Traditions: Part II

Yesterday, I began a discussion of the importance and benefits of family rituals and traditions.  I shared my favorite resource on this topic:  The Book of New Family Traditions by Meg Cox. 

Today I want to share some of my favorite rituals from her book as well as those that we have incorporated into our own family. 

Now the book covers rituals for holidays; family festivities and ceremonies (such as birthdays, etc.); daily, weekly, and monthly rituals; and finally rites of passage.  Here's just a sampling of some of the rituals that have gotten thumbs up from my kids:

• Balloon Forest:  Decorate the dining room on your child's birthday with 25 to 30 regular balloons inflated with helium.  Let them bounce up to the ceiling keeping the ribbons long.  They get so excited when they see all the balloons!
• Pep Talk in Chalk:  Write messages on the side walk using sidewalk chalk such as "good luck" or "have fun" on the first day of school.  The love it!
• Playing hooky:  Once a year, I pick my son up early from school and he and I go do something fun, e.g., a movie, etc. He has no idea when this day is coming or what we will be doing.  For the record, I do this on a day when it will not interfere with any important school lessons or tests.
• Yes Day:  Have your child write down things they can't do at the moment (like wear their pajamas all day) and put it in the "yes jar."  Once a month on "yes day" have them pull a request from the jar and let them do it.  Make sure it is a day where you are going to be able to accommodate their requests!
• Monster Spray:  Take a spray bottle and fill it with water and some food coloring.  At bedtime, spray the monsters under the bed, closet, etc.  Great way to ease night time fears!

My kids personal favorites:

• Ice cream for breakfast.
• A day off from chores!

Do you have any fun rituals that you do with your family?  If so, what are they?  Post for all to see!

Family Traditions

I was thinking about family traditions the other day.  When I thought back to my own childhood, I was surprised by how many traditions my parents had established for us over the years.   It was actually known by most of the neighborhood that Saturday night was pizza night in our household.  My mom would make homemade pizza letting us help her out.  When it was done, we would watch our favorite shows on TV:  Mary Tyler Moore, Carol Burnett (boy, am I dating myself or what!).  I didn't even realize it, but I have carried this tradition on with our "movie night."  It is something I look forward to every weekend.

Most family traditions occur around the holidays.  Our tradition at Christmas was a Christmas Eve fondue.  We used to fight over who had what skewer (light-heartedly of course).  It was a great tradition that has actually been carried on.  To this day, we have fondue with my parents on Christmas Eve. 

Family traditions and rituals serve many purposes.  In her book "The Book of New Family Traditions," Meg Cox differentiates between traditions and rituals: 

The dictionary says that traditions are "beliefs and customs handed down from generation to generation," whereas a ritual is "an action repeated" or "an established procedure for a religious or other rite." 

She points out that anthropologists have never found a human culture without rituals.  I have mentioned in other posts that structure helps children feel safe.  Daily structure or routine is a ritual in itself, isn't it?  Perhaps you have a bedtime routine, e.g., bath time, read a book, snuggle and then bed.

She points out ten things rituals do for children:

• Imparts a sense of identity
• Provides comfort and security
• Helps them to navigate change
• Teaches values
• Passes on ethnic or religious heritage
• Teaches practical skills
• Solves problems
• Keeps alive a sense of departed family members
• Helps heal from loss or trauma
• Generates wonderful memories

Tomorrow, I will share some of my favorite traditions from Meg's book (which I highly recommend every keep on their shelf!).  Until tomorrow, I want you to think about what traditions or family rituals you remember from your childhood.  Have you incorporated any of them into your family life?

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I was watching Dr. Phil today, and he was talking with women who are self-proclaimed "bitches."  He made an interesting statement:  "I believe we earn respect, not demand it."  He went on to say that those who demand respect often think they 'win' in terms of the relationship, however, he said that those around them often do what they need to do so they can get away from them. 

This got me to thinking about our relationship with our kids.  Of course, we all want our kids to respect us, but how do we go about getting it?  Are you demanding your children's respect or are you earning it?  Do we want our kids to comply only because they want to get away from us?

Looking back up on my own upbringing, I remember being extremely upset if I thought that I had disappointed my parents.  I cared THAT much about their respect.  They didn't demand my respect, they earned it.  They empowered, encouraged and treated me with dignity and respect at all times.  As a result, I was highly motivated to make choices that would maintain this relationship.  Although, there were those years during adolescence...(sorry about that mom and dad!).  Well, that's a story for another time...

Parents who demand their child's respect often experience the following: 

·       They give us the minimum to get us to shut up. 

·       They become numb to the demands for respect and eventually tune us out.

Can you see how demanding respect from our kids can lead to passive-aggressive responses?  Although they may comply with our demands regarding behavior in front of us, they are likely going to sabotage behind our backs.   

Have you ever heard or seen kids make the statement as teens "My mom and dad would FREAK if they new I was doing this!"  Of course, this is usually said with a large smile and a sense of excitement.

The benefits of earned respect:

·       Enhanced communication with your child.

·       Increase likelyhood of compliant behavior.

·       Teaching an essential life skill that will enhance their relationships with others. 

And the list of benefits could go on and on.

Here's another way to think about respect:  What do you want your kids thinking about you when you walk away?  Do you want them to think "He/she is a #$*@" or "Man, I screwed up.  What am I going to do to fix this?" 

So, do you demand respect from your kids or have you earned it?  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic as well as any tips or strategies you have developed that have helped you to earn your children's respect!

Finding balance with our activities and time with the kids...

I recently received a question from Stephanie, a stay at home mom, about finding balance between her time on her computer and time spent with her 14 month old:

"Sometimes I feel as if my computer draws me away from my daughter.  I'm pretty sure she feels that way because she will try to grab it or otherwise get my attention when I'm reading something on the screen.  Basically, my question is how do i divide my time between what I need for me (both for work and for fun) and what she needs/deserves.  I have no problem doing the laundry when she's around because I feel like that's work and it needs to be done but I feel guilty reading blogs I like because that feels like I'm ignoring her to do fun stuff for me.  I suppose this doesn't just apply to the Internet - every mom is trying to find the balance."

Great question Stephanie!  Figuring out how to have quality time with your child, manage the household stuff, take care of work and online issues and still have downtime for yourself can be quite a challenge and you certainly are not the only parent facing this.  I too struggle with this!  A couple weeks ago, my daughter came up to me and said "you like that computer more than me."  How sad!

So here are some suggestions:

1. Figure out on the average how much time you NEED to be on the computer.  Include time for blogging and reviewing favorites as well as any household related needs, i.e., internet banking, shopping, etc.
2. Are you surprised by the total number of hours you spend online?  I WAS!  You will have to decide whether you want to limit your time.  I chose to do no more than two hours per day, but that is a personal preference.
3. Given this, take a look at your daily schedule.  Do you get up before your daughter?  Does she nap in the morning?  Does she nap in the afternoon?  What time does she go down for bed?  What time of the day do you do your housework, etc. 
4. After looking at your schedule and making a decision on the amount of computer time you need in a day, look at where you can plug it in.  If your daughter has a two hour nap, could you plan online activities at that time?  Do you want to split it up and do banking and work related activities for an hour during the afternoon nap and then an hour of cruising blogs and other sites of interest after she is put down for bed?
5. Finally (and this is the hardest part!), stick to your plan!  As tempting as it is to check your e-mail quickly while she is engrossed in an activity, don't do it!  This opens up the door for us to check it again in a half hour, ten minutes, well, you see where I am going with that.

I don't know you, but if I didn't limit my time, I would spend hours and hours online looking at all those fantastic blogs, checking out new sites, writing, checking my stats (which I am absolutely OBSESSED with), etc.   I'm guessing I'm not the only parent blogger who has fallen into this trap.

I read a book a while back called The Power of Full Engagement.  It discusses time management activities, but more importantly it is about living fully in the moment in everything we do.  How many parents take their laptops, cell phones, pdas and pagers on vacation?  One is not living fully in the moment if they are taking a minute here and there to check their voice mails or e-mails.  Likewise, a parent whose child has asked them to play with them, but then steps away to check their e-mail is not fully engaged with their child.  Are we fully experiencing dinner time together at the table while we are listening to or watching tv?  It is a great book and I strongly recommend it.

Hope this answers your question Stephanie!  And if you have a question you would like answered, drop me a personal e-mail.  Please be sure to indicate whether I have your permission to post your question on my blog.  Hope to hear from you soon!