The Mentor Mom

Happy New Year!

Wow.  I can't believe yet another year has flown by.  Time flies when you are having fun, right?  Problem is, I don't recall a lot of fun last year.  Don't get me wrong, there were bits and pieces of it here and there, but I don't recall a lot of laughter.  More on that in a minute...

Like many, the end of the year for me causes me reflect on what went well and what didn't.   There was lots that went well, i.e., everyone has been healthy, the kids are doing well, I've got a job I enjoy, we are managing financially (notice I said managing vs. thriving) despite the crappy economy, etc.  We are fortunate and most appreciative for all this. 

But the other night, while we were having what seems to have become a rare family movie night, I heard something that I have not heard in a very long time -- belly aching laughter.  It was infectious as it spread around the room.  It made me feel warm inside.  As I basked in its glow, I realized it does not occur nearly as much as it should.

Why, I wondered?  Why is true joy and hearty laughter not a daily occurrence in our house?  Could it be because I spend so much time worrying about things such as how clean my house is, meal preparations, work, etc., you know, stupid stuff.  Am I sucking the fun out of the house?! ! 

This really got me to thinking about my mind set when I am with my family as opposed to other situations.  I realized that when I am with my friends, co-workers or families that I work with, I am completely in the moment with them.  I'm not thinking about bills, grocery lists and all that other crap that clutters my mind when I am at home.  I make a conscious effort when I'm outside the home to be present with those around me.  Why is that so hard for me to do it home? 

My inability to maintain this level of focus and concentration with my own family causes me to be irritable and distracted.  Why would I not make it a priority to be more present with those who are most important to me in life?  Have you ever really thought about that?  How we (well, at least some of us) seem to share the ugliest parts of ourselves with those whom we love the most?  I often tell parents that kids are ugliest for us because they know that no matter what, we are not ever going to stop loving them.  While I guess this goes both ways, shouldn't we as adults be held to a higher standard?  I mean, I know better for heavens sake! 

Having said all this, I should share that in my mind, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. To be honest with you, I wouldn't want to be one if there were such a thing.  Why you might ask?  Simple:  because, I don't want my kids to grow up and think that they have to be one either.  I do, however, aspire to be a better parent.  This means making a commitment to constantly learning and growing from my mistakes; brushing myself off when I fall down; asking for forgiveness if need be; and vowing to do better the next time. 

So, I am going to make being present in the moment with my family and increasing the joy and laughter in our house my New Years resolution.  How about you?  What things are you planning to achieve in 2009?  Post your thoughts and/or resolutions. 

Happy New Years to all of you and here's to a joyous and growth filled 2009!

Happy Holidays

 The presents are wrapped and under the tree.  The stockings are hung and all the holiday preparations are done.  Sigh.  I think we are ready.  It has been a particularly busy holiday season in the Mentor Mom household -- many Christmas programs, shopping, work related events, etc.  I must admit, I am quite relieved that the majority of the hustle and bustle is over! 

Let us enjoy all that this holiday season has to offer -- time with our children; an opportunity to demonstrate the joy of giving; modeling how to be thankful and appreciative; and most of all how to share the spirit of joy and love with all.  Happy holidays!

Holiday Hassles - When do we start our family traditions?

While my family and I prepare for the holidays, I am continuing to re-post the holiday hassles series. I hope you all had a joyous and peaceful holiday season!

Hopefully, you have all recovered from Thanksgiving. I'm hoping you all had a peaceful and relaxed holiday. Speaking of the holidays, let's continue our discussion of some of those pesky holiday hassles (since we still have Christmas to contend with!).

Holiday hassle two is the dilemma faced by many new couples, i.e., when to start your own family traditions. We spoke in a previous post about the holiday hassle of trying to figure out whose house to go to, e.g., the in-laws, an aunts, etc. As I mentioned in that post, for some, this is not a hassle at all as they have all ready figured out how to negotiate this situation between families.  This is particularly true for couples who have not yet had children. They may  exchange gifts privately before or after larger family gathers, over dinner or early Christmas morning.

But what if you have kids? If you have extended family that expect your presence at their Christmas celebrations, when do you celebrate with your kids? Shuttling between family and in-laws can leave little
time for gifts and such with your kids.

Now you may be thinking "Yes, we have that problem! How do we fix it?"  Sorry, but there is no clear cut solution (not the answer you were expecting I'm sure!). For lack of a less corny response, the
solution lies within.  Here are some things to consider that may help when trying to navigate this holiday hassle:

• Think about your earliest childhood memories. Did you have a special tradition on Christmas Eve.  Did you open gifts Christmas morning? When I was a kid, we would go for a Christmas Eve drive to look at Christmas lights. We'd watch the skies for Rudolph and lo and behold, by the time we got home Santa had been there! Now consider what memories you want your children to have. 
• Talk it over with your spouse.  Sometimes, one spouse has difficultly letting go of their own family traditions, i.e., feeling a need to be at all of their family of origin functions (which for some families can encompass several days!). This can be a source of conflict for couples especially if one wants to do things differently, e.g., skip a meal or event at one families house. Talk it over with your spouse. Be sensitive to his desire to participate in his families activities. Work towards a compromise that you both can live with. 
• Talk it over with your family.  Once you and your partner have come to an agreement and developed a plan for your own family, discuss your decision with each side of the family.It would be best if you talk to your parents and he talk to his about your plans. Sometimes when a wife tells the in-laws that they will not be attending a family function, it can cause a huge rift. She is often seen as controlling despite the fact that she and her partner discussed and made the decision together.
• Let go of the guilt!  Once you have made a choice that you feel is fair to both sides of the family, don't feel guilty about!  Although there may be some disappointment on the part of extended family members, you have made a choice to do something for your family that you feel is important. One should never feel guilty about that.

How did you handle this situation once you and your spouse had children?  Was it difficult or did you have understanding extended family members?  Share your experiences!

Holiday Hassles - Scenario 1

It is hard to believe that the holidays are already upon us!  It seems like just yesterday the kids were starting school.  For many, the holidays are a time for eager anticipation of spending time with family.  But for some, just the thought of being in the same room with family and in-laws is enough to cause a nervous breakdown!

Negative family patterns can make holidays a hassle for some families.  Over the next couple of days, I will be discussing some of the most common scenarios that cause conflict and hassles during the holidays along with some insights and tips on how to cope.  So let's get started:

Scenario 1 - Who's House? A common dilemma that most couples face is where to celebrate the holiday.  In most cases, we prefer to spend the holiday with OUR family of origin.  Some couples take turns at each set of parents house.  Others go to both houses on the same day. 

Whose house to go to can be complicated if you have a parent or in-law that expects you to always come to their gathering.  Some of us are fortunate to have parents who understand the increased demands by other family members and leave the choice to attend their gathering as an open invitation with no strings attached, no guilt, no snide comments.  Other parents load on the guilt causing the couple to give in and attend the holiday often at the expense of the other family. 

The thing about guilt is we have to give ourselves permission to feel it (more on guilt in a later post).  If you have made a choice to alternate holidays between families to be equitable with your time and continue to receive comments intended to cause guilty feelings, realize that this is often more about the guilt inducers need for control or insecurity about not being as valued. 

So here are some tips and insights on how to deal with this holiday dilemma:

• Re-evaluate your holiday plans.  Have you been fair and equitable with your time between the two families?  If you can honestly say that you have been fair in your time commitments to each family, you have no reason to feel guilty.
• Talk it out first.  Make sure you and your spouse are in agreement with your family plans.  Making a commitment to attend a family function without your spouses agreement is a disaster in the making.  We all want to be involved with decision making when it comes to our time and commitments.  Failing to discuss your plans with your spouse can lead them to feel resentful, hurt and not valued.  Remember who you will be going home with at the end of the day! 
• Consider your children's needs.  Take time as a couple to discuss your children's needs.  If you have very young children, going to two separate homes for dinner may be too much for them.  Given the enormous amount of packing, e.g., diaper bags, bouncey seats, etc., it might be too much for you too!  Consider what you and your children can reasonably handle on the holiday and let that guide your decision making.  Holidays are meant to be enjoyable experiences, not stressful.
• Discuss your plans with both sets of parents.  Having considered the points above, talk to both sets of parents about your holiday plans.  If any are having difficulty with the thought that you will not be spending the holiday with them, validate and discuss their feelings.  Point out that you are doing your best to make sure that both families are getting equal time while taking the needs of your children into consideration.  Let your parent know that you understand that they are disappointed.  You could suggest a separate family feast before or after the holiday if possible so that they family can be together.
• Let go of the guilt.  It is easy to fall prey to guilt around the holidays.  Some parents are PROS at laying it on.  Remember what I said above, it is usually more about them than it is about you.  A part of being a parent is being selfless.  While understanding of their feelings is needed, there comes a point where they need to let go (as hard as that is for some).  A parent who cannot is putting their needs before those of their child.  Remember, you are in complete control of whether or not you feel guilty. 

So how does your family deal with this issue?  Have you been able to find a compromise that works for both families?  Please share what has worked (or not worked!) for you and yours.  Next time, we will discuss the need to have your OWN family time to start your holiday traditions.  Until then!