The Mentor Mom

Reader Question: Discipline for Typical Two Year Old Behaviors

My name is Jennifer. My son is 21 months.  He has begun to throw objects and to hit. I will often count to 3 and then remove the object. For hitting we have tried time outs but he just laughs and thinks it is a game, which makes it counter productive. My questions are how do you curb these behaviors? How do you teach a child to sit for  a time out? What do you do during mealtimes when he exhibits these behaviors? I don't want to send him away from the table hungry and I don't want dinner to be a battle.   Thank you.  Jennifer A.

Hi Jennifer!

Thank you for sending such a great question!  It sounds like your son is displaying some typical toddler/two year old behaviors -- as frustrating as they may be!  The key with any sort of discipline is to be consistent and to limit the amount of words.  In addition, using natural consequences for the behaviors increases the learning curve.  Here are some examples of age appropriate discipline techniques using the areas of concern you shared in your e-mail:

Throwing objects. When you little guy throws the object, say something like "How sad, you threw your car.  Now we have to put it away" and then put the car somewhere out of reach immediately for the remainder of the day, e.g., on top of the frig, etc.  Even young kids are able to learn cause and effect, i.e., when I throw my toy, it goes away.  Using the empathetic statement keeps him focused on the consequence rather than your reaction to his behavior.  It's hard to be mad at someone who is being empathetic!

Hitting. Time out is the way to go with hitting behaviors.  His laughing and being silly during time out is his way to try to get attention and maintain an interaction with you.  I recently wrote two blog posts containing tips for time out.  These posts address the behaviors you discussed in your e-mail.
Here are the links:   

         http://jillurbane.typepad.com/thementormom/2007/11/time-out-tips-s.html
       http://jillurbane.typepad.com/thementormom/2007/11/time-out-tips-1.html

Dinnertime battles. This is always a challenge because while we don't want to tolerate this type of behavior, we also don't want them to go hungry! Having said that, however, I'm guessing that if your little guy did miss out on a meal that there would be more opportunity for nourishment within a reasonable amount of time?  Here are some suggestions to deal with mealtime battles:

• If he throws his plate from the table, respond with your empathetic statement "How sad, I guess your all done" and remove him/his food from the table. 
• If he is fussing, screaming, or being aggressive, do the same.
  

It sounds simple, but we both know that it is not.  The goal is, again, to teach him cause and effect, i.e., when I do these things, I immediately get removed from the table which means no more food. Again, I know this can be hard for moms because we do worry about nutrition. Been there.  Done that.  If you can work through these behaviors with him at this very young age, however, you are going to make mealtimes a much happier place down the road for you and your family as he will have already learned that ugly behavior is not tolerated at the table and that when I do act ugly at the table, I am left to be hungry for a while. 

It is up to you to decide if he gets a snack later in the evening.  If you do give him a snack, make sure that 1) you wait a while after mealtime as you want him to experience some discomfort (hunger) for his bad choice at the table; and 2) keep the snack very basic, e.g., graham crackers, saltines, etc.   If you give him something that he REALLY likes he may decide to forgo dinner on a more regular basis knowing that he is going to get a yummy snack later.  Again, you have to decide what you think will work best for you and your son in this situation. 

When I went through this with my son, I tried number two to no avail. He quickly figured out that if he skipped dinner, he would still have the opportunity for something to eat later on.  So, we moved to option number one.  It was really hard to do initially because I felt like a bad mom depriving him of nutrition.  Despite this, I knew I had to do something or mealtimes would always be a miserable time for our family.  I am happy to report that several years later, my son is healthy, happy and shows no emotional or physical effects of going to bed hunger on several occasions as a toddler.  I should add that meals at the dinner table are one of the highlights of our day because we made dealing with mealtime battles a priority with both our kids at a very young age.  Our meals are less about how to behave at the table, what you are or aren't going to eat, etc., and more about conversation and communication. 

I hope that you find this information useful and helpful, Jennifer! Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or concerns.  Thank you again for the question and giving permission to post it on my blog.  Thank you as well for being a Mentor Mom reader! 

Do you have any suggestions for Jennifer?  Any tips or strategies that you have found helpful to curb these behaviors?  Post your tips/suggestions!

Assertiveness 101: Tips and Strategies to Be More Assertive

It is FINALLY time to wrap up our discussion on assertiveness.  To date, we have discussed basic assertive rights and the different communications styles (passive, aggressive, and  assertive).  Given all this information, it is time to discuss some tips on how to BE assertive:

• Get in tune with your body.  This may sound silly, but it is a very important part of being assertive.  Your body sends you all sorts of cues when you are becoming angry or upset, e.g., increased breathing, tensing of the muscles, feeling hot, etc.  Increasing your awareness of these body messages can help you keep from reacting in a volatile or emotional way if you follow the next tip...
• Breathe.  Do some deep breathing when you notice you are starting to get upset.  I've discussed why and how this works in a previous post.
• Do some self talk.  Okay, you don't have to do this out loud, but try to do it in your head.  When you recognize that you are getting upset, talk it out in your head, e.g., I need to calm down; I better keep my mouth shut or I'll say something I'll regret; I think I better excuse myself until I calm down, etc. 
• Use "I" statements.   Assertive individuals use "I" statements when communicating their thoughts, feelings, and opinions.  When we use "I" statements, we decrease the likelihood that others are going to get defensive.  After all, when we use "I" statements, we are talking about how WE feel about a situation.  Others may not understand HOW we feel that way, but they certainly cannot negate our feelings -- they are ours after all!  Here's an example:  "I feel hurt when you make comments about my family" versus "You always put my family down" or "I feel angry when you talk to me in that tone of voice"  versus "You always use that condescending voice and I hate it!"  Do you see how the "I" statements are much less likely to put the other person on the defensive?
• The broken record technique.  This technique comes in handy when you have already stated your position on something.  For example, say that your kids have asked you for a snack and you have already told them not right now.  You simply (well, it sounds simple but is sometimes hard to do) restate your position in a calm and assertive manner, e.g., "not right now" "not right now" "not right now" etc.  This technique is often used when dealing with telemarketers, i.e., "I'm not interested" and so on.  The key is keeping your cool and sticking to your guns.
• Fogging.  This technique allows you to accept criticism or feedback without getting upset.  You acknowledge any truth that there might be in what the other individual is saying, e.g., "You are right.  I don't always do a good job of listening to you."  This allows the other person to see that they may have some valid points and that you are hearing what they are saying.  I used this one a lot when I worked in the prison with angry inmates.  They were intending to rile me up by being accusatory, but when I accepted and acknowledged some of their valid points, they were much more likely to de-escalate and be more reasonable.
• Meeting in the middle.  This step is really about compromise.  I recently saw a poster that said "The hardest thing to give -- is IN!"  Isn't that the truth!  Assertive individuals are willing to compromise.  Sometimes this can't be done in the heat of a situation.  It is sometimes better to recognize this, give both parties a chance to re-group and return to the discussion when you are both in a better state of mind, e.g., "I agree that something has to be done about this.  I'm feeling too frustrated right now to think clearly.  Can we discuss this in a half hour when I've had a chance to think more clearly?"

I know this has been a somewhat lengthy series, but it is one that I feel is very important.  The old adage "we teach people how to treat us" is so true.  And how we allow people to treat us plays a large role in how our kids will allow people to treat them.  If we model assertiveness in our interactions with others, we will likely raise assertive children.  I can't think of a more important skill that we as parents can pass on to our kids.

What are your thoughts on this topic?  Do you have any tips, strategies or situations that you want to share?  Post your comments! 

Assertiveness 101: Meeting in the middle

We are almost ready to wrap up our discussion on assertiveness.  We have already discussed the passive type and the aggressive type.  Now it is time to discuss how to meet in the middle of these two extremes of the assertiveness continuum, or in other words, being assertive.

Assertive individuals express their feelings and thoughts in a manner which do not infringe on the rights of others.  You've met people like this -- they are respectful, say what they are thinking but always take into account the feelings and impact of their statements on others.  They come across as strong and confident but yet approachable.  They have good eye contact, are good listeners and appear physically relaxed while conversing with others.  Assertive individuals stand up for their personal rights but also respect the opinions of others.

Assertive individuals are much more likely to be successful in relationships, work, and life in general because they understand that the only thing they have control over is themselves.  They get respect because they give respect.  They are not afraid to say to somebody "I want you to know that your comment hurt my feelings."  Will it change what the person said?  No.  Will it change the way that individual interacts with them in the future?  Possibly.  Will the person who expressed their feelings be walking around sulking or being angry wishing they had stood up for themselves?  Absolutely not. 

When discussing assertiveness, I like to use the example of going to the grocery store and having someone cut in front of them in the checkout lane.  We've all had that happen at least once in our lives.  But what do you do?  Do you ignore the cut?  Do you berate the person for being rude>  Or do you say politely but firmly, "Excuse me, but I am next in line.  The end of the line is back there."  Of course, how you respond may depend on your mood that day or how much time you have to shop.  The way to know for sure if you should have said something is if you are still stewing about it when you get out to the parking lot. 

Being assertive doesn't change the situation, but it allows you to rid yourself of unnecessary emotional baggage, i.e., stewing about the person who cut in front of you or about the way your co-worker addressed you in a meeting, etc.   Assertive individuals don't  waste their energy in this way.  I guess an easier way to describe it is that assertive individuals have very good boundaries.

So, back to why I am writing about assertiveness on a parenting blog.  As I discussed in my initial post, our kids learn more from what they see us do than what we tell them.  As parents, we have to be what we want our kids to be.  We want to model healthy boundaries so our kids will be able to navigate the myriad of relationships and situations they will encounter in the grown up world.  This includes modeling good assertive communication with our spouse/significant other, relatives, friends and co-workers. 

And what to do if we slip to either end of the spectrum in front of our kids?  Use it as a learning opportunity.  Explain how you should have handled the situation and why.  It's important for kids to know that we too make mistakes and that rather than beating ourselves up, we use them as ways to learn. 

Next time, I'll share some assertiveness techniques and tips.