Assertiveness 101: The Aggressive Type

Okay, so far in our discussion of assertiveness, we have discussed basic assertive rights as well as the passive end of the assertiveness continuum.  Today, we are going to discuss the other end -- aggressiveness.

Many think of aggressiveness as being a physical thing, e.g., hitting, etc.  While this is sometimes true, aggressiveness can best be described as the infringement on others basic assertive rights.  Here are some characteristics of aggressive individuals:

• low tolerance for frustration
• use of intimidating body language
• talk in a loud or demanding voice
• blame others or point out the fault in others
• be poor listeners, i.e., interrupt, jump to conclusions, etc.
• talk over others

Aggressive communicators often come across as being very angry.  One thing I learned working in the prison with VERY angry individuals is that anger is usually a mask for fear.  It may be a fear of being victimized, taken advantage of or being powerless.  Whatever the case, given the choice between the emotions of fear or anger, many pick anger because it makes them feel less vulnerable at the moment.  So, what are some of the implications of acting with aggressive tendencies:

• people come to fear them
• others try to avoid them
• they use their aggressiveness to avoid others
• they have an external locus of control, e.g., they blame the world for their woes rather than recognizing and accepting responsibility for their actions

My experience has been that aggressive communicators are often very sad and lonely people.  It's as if they recognize that they do not have the quality relationships with others, which just to be clear, they do want.  Despite this, however, their fear of being vulnerable and leaves them feeling that they have not other option but to act in a manner that they feel allows them to regain control.  Using the analogy of a toolbox, aggressive communicators lack to the tools to engage with others in a way where they are still in control, but are also respecting the rights of others.  In other words, they have not learned how to be assertive.  More on that next time...

Do you know someone who is an aggressive communicator?  Do you see any of these tendencies in yourself or perhaps your spouse or child?  Post your comments!

Comments

[dan]

You are absolutely right here. There is so much fear in a person who acts in an aggressive way. Mostly it boils down to the fact that they feel they are not enough. There's an over compensation that means that the people around them are terrified. I often find it's useful to say to this kind of person, "you seem angry". 99% of the time they will cease and desist, the other 1% of the time I'll make my excuses and leave as fast as possible! Thanks, Dan

[The Mentor Mom]

Great suggestion, Dan! Thanks for the tip ;)

[Melissa Barr]

I am this way half of the time and the other half semi-assertive. I was talked down to, yelled at, controlled, and abused as a child. So, I know why I am this way after reading this and have been learning about it for a long time. I am feeling the way you described. I do not know how to "feel" better. I am always looking for ways to improve and "FEEL GOOD" inside, feel proud and show LOVE to my family without hurting them by making them feel my pain. I can be in right mind when I have had the time to think about how I should act before hand. I do not always have this luxury when my kids are fighting or throwing toys at each other or me for that matter. I am not tolerant of their frustrations. It makes me feel and become quickly frustrated and feel anxious. My tolerance level is very low for all sorts of situations...unless I become aware before I get sucked into the situation. It's very difficult and I am constantly fighting a battle against myself! How can I be confident and sure of my own decisions and respectful of others when I cannot be sure I am making the right decision at times or that I am thinking rationally. I was raised on yelling and taught I was worthless. It's very hard to break free. I do not know if I will ever be able to be truly happy inside. I will always try though. That's the one thing I have...determination. I love my family and I deserve to be happy!
Thank you for helping me find ways to connect with my family through this website. :)