The Mentor Mom

Holiday Hassles: Blatant Favoritism Revisited

The following is the final installment in the Holiday Hassles series originally posted in December 2006.

Continuing the discussion of some holiday hassles, I want to bring one up that is more common than I would have imagined.  That is blatant favoritism of certain children by family members. 

Imagine this scenario:  Your family goes over to grandma and grandpa's for Christmas.  When it comes time for gifts for the grandchildren, your brother's child gets several gifts while your child gets none. 

How about this one:  You go out and have a family portrait taken (quite costly I know!) and have it placed in a lovely frame as a gift to your in-laws only to have it put in a drawer or closet while your sister-in-laws family portraits are all over the house.

Amazingly enough, these scenarios are based on actual situations. Although I have many years of experience working with families and individuals and I know "analytically" how such things come to be, I really have a tough time grasping these scenarios emotionally.  I mean, purchasing gifts for one set of children and not for another with the latter set having to watch their cousins open gifts in front of them? That really offends me.  This is not to say that children should always expect gifts, but when grandma has gifts for cousin Joey, but none for me, well, that just doesn't feel right.

So let's add fuel to the fire and say that your spouse (whose parent is the "offender") sees no problem with the situation.  How do you cope with that when the kids come to you asking why their cousins got gifts and they got none?   Talk about a horrible situation to be in!

Here are some suggestions and thoughts on how to deal with blatant favoritism at the holidays:

1. Discuss the situation with your spouse.  Find out where he/she stands on the issue.  Your spouse may not want to acknowledge the favoritism as it brings back his or her own emotional pain from childhood.  If your spouse refuses to acknowledge the problem, you could tell him that the next time the kids ask why grandma doesn't have their pictures up in her home or why cousin Joey gets birthday and Christmas gifts and they don't that they will be directed to him for an answer.  It isn't their problem is we keep trying to clean up the mess.  Depending on your family, you might suggest to the children that they ask their grandmother the question the next time they visit. 
2. Have a meeting with family members.  Discuss the Christmas gift giving procedure:  1)  is there a limit on the gift amount for each child; 2) will all the children be receiving gifts; etc.   You can also try sharing your observations in a calm, cool and collected manner. For example, one might say "Sue, I noticed last year that you gave gifts to Bob's kids but none to ours.  Will all of the children be getting gifts this year or just his?  If that is the case, we would like to know what time the gift exchange will happen and we will either leave beforehand or come afterwords."  This may sound caddy to some, but it is a fair question to ask.  You can provide the explanation that you are trying to avoid your children feeling left out or hurt as a result of not getting a gift to open (no matter how small or insignificant the gift inside might be). 
3. I know someone who tried this one:  She bought two gifts for her kids, wrapped them, and put grandma's name on the gift tag.  When it came time to pass out gifts and her children didn't get any, she quickly went and pulled them out saying someone must have forgotten to put them under the tree.  When the kids opened them, they thanked their grandmother for the lovely gifts.  She was red with embarrassment. Later, the mother told the grandmother she owed her $30 for the gifts and to let her know if she wanted her to pick up the gifts for her kids next year or if she would be doing the shopping herself.  It worked as the kids had gifts under the tree the next year!
4. Finally, if it continues despite your efforts to encourage fairness, you may want to consider passing on the get together.

Have you or anyone you know gone through something similar?  If so, how did you work it out?  Please post your suggestions and tips!

Holiday Hassles - When do we start our family traditions?

This is the second part of the holiday hassles series originally posted last year.  I hope you all had a joyous and peaceful Thanksgiving!

Hopefully, you have all recovered from Thanksgiving.  I'm hoping you all had a peaceful and relaxed holiday.  Speaking of the holidays, let's continue our discussion of some of those pesky holiday hassles (since we still have Christmas to contend with!).

Holiday hassle two is the dilemma faced by many new couples, i.e., when to start your own family traditions.  We spoke in a previous post about the holiday hassle of trying to figure out whose house to go to, e.g., the in-laws, an aunts, etc.  As I mentioned in that post, for some, this is not a hassle at all as they have all ready figured out how to negotiate this situation between families.   This is particularly true for couples who have not yet had children.  They may exchange gifts privately before or after larger family gathers, over dinner or early Christmas morning.

But what if you have kids?  If you have extended family that expect your presence at their Christmas celebrations, when do you celebrate with your kids?  Shuttling between family and in-laws can leave little time for gifts and such with your kids.

Now you may be thinking "Yes, we have that problem!  How do we fix it?"  Sorry, but there is no clear cut solution (not the answer you were expecting I'm sure!).  For lack of a less corny response, the solution lies within.  Here are some things to consider that may help when trying to navigate this holiday hassle: 

• Think about your earliest childhood memories.  Did you have a special tradition on Christmas Eve?  Did you open gifts Christmas morning?  When I was a kid, we would go for a Christmas Eve drive to look at Christmas lights.  We'd watch the skies for Rudolph and lo and behold, by the time we got home Santa had been there!  Now consider what memories you want your children to have.
• Talk it over with your spouse.  Sometimes, one spouse has difficultly letting go of their  own family traditions, i.e., feeling a need to be at all of their family of origin functions (which for some families can encompass several days!).  This can be a source of conflict for couples especially if one wants to do things differently, e.g., skip a meal or event at one families house.  Talk it over with your spouse.  Be sensitive to his desire to participate in his families activities.  Work towards a compromise that you both can live with.
• Talk it over with your family.  Once you and your partner have come to an agreement and developed a plan for your own family, discuss your decision with each side of the family.  It would be best if you talk to your parents and he talk to his about your plans. Sometimes when a wife tells the in-laws that they will not be attending a family function, it can cause a huge rift.  She is often seen as controlling despite the fact that she and her partner discussed the decision together.
• Let go of the guilt!  Once you have made a choice that you feel is fair to both sides of the family, don't feel guilty about! Although there may be some disappointment on the part of extended family members, you have made a choice to do something for your family that you feel is important. One should never feel guilty about that.

How did you handle this situation once you and your spouse had children?  Was it difficult or did you have understanding extended family members?  We will continue the discussion of holiday hassles next time.  Until then!

Fun Turkey Day Craft

Time to get ready for Thanksgiving break!  I don't know about you, but my kids are going to be off all day on Wednesday and the 'I'm getting bored so I'm going to pick on my brother/sister' stuff has started already.  To combat this, I like to give them some sort of crafty activity to do to keep them occupied.   This year, we are going to be making paper bag turkeys to decorate the house. 

This is an easy activity that uses materials that you probably already have around the house (we like those kinds of activities!).  This activity is so simple that I actually do it with the toddlers I work with on home visits.  It is a great way to work on following simple directions, language, thinking skills, etc.  With real little ones, it is really about the process not the product so keep that in mind when they are gluing the pieces on.  Here's what you will need:

Materials:

• Large paper grocery bag
• Small brown lunch bag 
• Newspaper 
• Masking tape 
• Cut out feather shapes and wings from construction paper 
• Marker or cut outs for beak and eyes. 

Directions:

•  Have child crunch up newspaper and fill large grocery bag. This will be the turkeys body.
• Have the child crunch up newspaper and place in the lunch bag. This will be the turkeys head.
• Twist the open end of the large bag closed once filled with newspaper. Lay the bag on it's side.  The bottom of the bag will serve as the turkeys behind. 
• Place the small lunch bag over the twisted end of the grocery bag. Wrap the “neck” with masking tape.
•  Have child glue construction paper feathers on the flat part (bottom) of the large grocery bag.
• Have them glue the wings on the side of the bag.
• Draw or glue on the beak and eyes on the small paper bag head.

Voila! You have a quick, easy and fun turkey centerpiece!   

Holiday Hassles Revisited

The holiday season is again upon us.  While sitting in the coffee shop talking with some of the regulars, we started discussing our holiday plans and some of the ensuing hassles that making plans with families can cause.  Knowing that we aren't the only ones going through this, I thought it was time to revisit my series on holiday hassles. 

It is hard to believe that the holidays are already upon us!  It seems like just yesterday the kids were starting school.  For many, the holidays are a time for eager anticipation of spending time with family.  But for some, just the thought of being in the same room with family and in-laws is enough to cause a nervous breakdown!

Negative family patterns can make holidays a hassle for some families.  Over the next couple of days, I will be discussing some of the most common scenarios that cause conflict and hassles during the holidays along with some insights and tips on how to cope.  So let's get started:

Scenario 1 - Who's House? A common dilemma that most couples face is where to celebrate the holiday.  In most cases, we prefer to spend the holiday with OUR family of origin.  Some couples take turns at each set of parents house.  Others go to both houses on the same day. 

Whose house to go to can be complicated if you have a parent or in-law that expects you to always come to their gathering.  Some of us are fortunate to have parents who understand the increased demands by other family members and leave the choice to attend their gathering as an open invitation with no strings attached, no guilt, no snide comments.  Other parents load on the guilt causing the couple to give in and attend the holiday often at the expense of the other family. 

The thing about guilt is we have to give ourselves permission to feel it (more on guilt in a later post).  If you have made a choice to alternate holidays between families to be equitable with your time and continue to receive comments intended to cause guilty feelings, realize that this is often more about the guilt inducers need for control or insecurity about not being as valued. 

So here are some tips and insights on how to deal with this holiday dilemma:

• Re-evaluate your holiday plans.  Have you been fair and equitable with your time between the two families?  If you can honestly say that you have been fair in your time commitments to each family, you have no reason to feel guilty.
• Talk it out first.  Make sure you and your spouse are in agreement with your family plans.  Making a commitment to attend a family function without your spouses agreement is a disaster in the making.  We all want to be involved with decision making when it comes to our time and commitments.  Failing to discuss your plans with your spouse can lead them to feel resentful, hurt and not valued.  Remember who you will be going home with at the end of the day! 
• Consider your children's needs.  Take time as a couple to discuss your children's needs.  If you have very young children, going to two separate homes for dinner may be too much for them.  Given the enormous amount of packing, e.g., diaper bags, bouncey seats, etc., it might be too much for you too!  Consider what you and your children can reasonably handle on the holiday and let that guide your decision making.  Holidays are meant to be enjoyable experiences, not stressful.
• Discuss your plans with both sets of parents.  Having considered the points above, talk to both sets of parents about your holiday plans.  If any are having difficulty with the thought that you will not be spending the holiday with them, validate and discuss their feelings.  Point out that you are doing your best to make sure that both families are getting equal time while taking the needs of your children into consideration.  Let your parent know that you understand that they are disappointed.  You could suggest a separate family feast before or after the holiday if possible so that they family can be together.
• Let go of the guilt.  It is easy to fall prey to guilt around the holidays.  Some parents are PROS at laying it on.  Remember what I said above, it is usually more about them than it is about you. A part of being a parent is being selfless.  While understanding of their feelings is needed, there comes a point where they need to let go (as hard as that is for some).  A parent who cannot is putting their needs before those of their child.  Remember, you are in complete control of whether or not you feel guilty. 

So how does your family deal with this issue?  Have you been able to find a compromise that works for both families?  Please share what has worked (or not worked!) for you and yours.  Next time, we will discuss the need to have your OWN family time to start your holiday traditions.  Until then!

Family Dinners: The new anti-drug?

With the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, many of us are preparing for a big meal with our families.  For some, Thanksgiving dinner is just a fancier version of their regular family dinners, i.e., more trimmings, an opportunity to remind each other of how thankful we are for family and friends, etc.  For other families, however, it may be one of the few times that they actually sit at a table together as a family. 

It is sad to say, but there has been a significant decline in the number of families who eat dinner together at a table.  Busy work schedules, school events, sporting events, music lessons, etc., can make it difficult for families to find time to eat together at the dining room table.  For many parents with hectic schedules, family mealtime may be sandwiches on the fly on the way to soccer practice.

I have fond memories of meals with my family as a child.  This is not to say that we ate every meal at the table, but we did so the majority of the time.  Sunday was always a big deal.  Mom always had some sort of wonderful comfort food like creation cooking in the oven all day.  It was heaven. 

My husband and I made the decision when our children were very young that we would carry on this tradition with our children.  Yes, I said tradition.  I've written before about the benefits of traditions.  While we don't always think about it in these terms, family meals at the dinner table constitute a family tradition.

I have long discussed the benefits of family mealtimes to the families with whom I have worked over the years, so I was pleased to see an article in Sunday's Parade Magazine sharing some research on this topic.  I thought the data was interesting.  Here's just a sampling of what the research has found:

• A study from the University of Minnesota indicated that teens who had regular meals with their parents had better grades and were less likely to be depressed.
• A study from Harvard reports that children who eat with their families are 15% less likely to be overweight.
• A study by Emory University indicate that preteens whose parents tell family stories at dinner have better self esteem and better peer relations during the adolescent years.
• Finally, a study by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University indicated that teens who have two or fewer family dinners per week are more likely to smoke, drink and hang out with sexually active friends.  In addition, 12 and 13 year olds who have few family dinners are six times more likely to have used marijuana. 

Amazing what a little bit of time at the family table can prevent.  To read the complete article by Lynn Schnurnberger, click here. TIME magazine also wrote an interesting article on the subject several years back.  Here's the link.

Do you eat meals together as a family?  If so, how often?  Please share your thoughts, ideas and suggestions! 

Reader Question: How do I get my 5 year old to go to his room when told?!

So I am taking you up on your offer to ask questions, so here goes:  I have a five year old very stubborn boy.  We are working with him on not talking back and the whole respect thing and in the meantime he is driving me crazy.  I am getting pretty frustrated when I tell him go to your room and he automatically comes back with - no.  Then he won't go or he goes part way or shakes his head at me. 

He is too big to spank which I am sure I am not supposed to being doing anyway.  Threats to take things away don't work.  I feel like I am at my wits end and need a good leather belt (just kidding).  But seriously, what is a mom to do?   Thanks in advance for any help!  - Steph

Boy, can I relate to this problem!  My son was the same way at that age.  He's still stubborn and can get a bit sassy, but he will go to his room when we tell him.  It took a lot of hard work and trial and error, but we finally figured it out. 

We used a technique from the Love and Logic program called "the Brain Drain."  Here's how it works:  the parent loses energy from problematic behaviors.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  It's not.   First, you have to decide what behaviors are going to drain your energy.  In this case, it would be kids who don't go to their room when asked.  For others, it may be sassy talk, sibling fighting, whining, etc., so this technique can work with lots of those annoying types of behaviors that truly do drain our energy...well, at least they drain mine!

The next step is to figure out how your energy will be restored.  This can be done in a number of ways, e.g., extra chores, paying the parent so they can hire a babysitter while they go restore their energy, etc.   In order for this to be effective, you need to know your child's currency (to use a Dr. Philism).  Now, my little Alex P. Keaton really didn't like parting with his money, so he had to pay us so we could get a sitter.  That was his currency (no pun intended). 

After a while, however, he didn't care so much about the money thing. His currency then became his Bionicle collection.  Let me preface this by saying that I try my best to avoid taking things from kids.  I would much rather use positive discipline strategies than negative, but sometimes we have to go with what works.  Selling Bionicles to the neighbor kids became the way we funded the babysitter so we could go out and restore our energy .  For our daughter, it was her Barbie collection, and then her Sweet Street collection, and on and on. 

Thankfully, we never actually had to take any of the said items and sell them because the kids went to their rooms to protect their goods. This may be because we had already established that we said what we meant and meant what we said.  There was no question in their minds or ours that we would actually follow through on this action.   This sped the process of getting them to go to their rooms when told significantly.  My point is that you must be prepared to actually follow through with whatever consequence you give -- always.

Having said all that, here's an example of how the technique would work in action:

 Mom:  You aren't much fun to be around.  Why don't you go to your room and come down when you are sweet.

Child:  NO!

Mom:  It drains my energy when kids don't go to their room when asked.  Hmmm.  How are you going to help me get my energy back?

Child:  I'm not!  I don't care!

Mom:  That's all right.  I can think of plenty of ways to get my energy back.  I think I need some time away so we'll need to hire a sitter.  Since you are the reason I need time away, you will have to pay for her.  How are you going to do that?

Child:  I'm not!  It's not my problem!

Mom:  Oh.  Don't worry about it.  I'm sure there are lots of things in your room I can sell to pay for a sitter.  Let me head up there and see what you've got.

Child:  NO! (as he races up the stairs to safe guard his treasures)

Now some people might say this seems a bit harsh.  Not to sound too redundant, but you have to pick and choose what techniques work for you. This technique worked very well with our very strong willed son.  We repeated as necessary and got to the point where all we had to do was say, I get paid to look at kids who don't go to their rooms when asked.  Now, they go to their rooms immediately when asked because they know that if they don't, we are prepared to find some loot to sell at the garage sale for the babysitter fund.  I haven't had to do this in almost four years.  This is not to say that they are happy when they are going up to their rooms, but usually a request to be sure that they stomp on each step and slam their doors as hard as they can keep them from doing so.  Aaahhhh, reverse psychology...it really does work!

Here is a link to a printable handout from the Love and Logic Institute that discuss the technique as well.

I hope that you find this information helpful.  When done correctly, the brain drain technique can really make your life easier as a parent all the while teaching your child to make good choices for himself.  It's a win-win situation!  Thanks for being a Mentor Mom reader, Steph!

How do you get your kids to go to their rooms when asked?  Post your techniques!

Time Out Tips: Step 2 - Hone your technique!

Back to our discussion about time out.  Last time, we discussed the prep work.  Today we are going to discuss technique.  Let me start by saying that there are a number of different techniques out there.  Using the "toolbox" approach to parenting, you have to find a technique that feels comfortable to you.  This may or may not be it -- it is up to you to decide.  I do know that it has worked with many families over the years.  The approach described here is very behavioral in nature.

Before I get into the specifics, let me be clear that it is not easy!  It requires a lot of hard work on your part.  For this reason, some parents find it too daunting.  It requires change on our part and most of us find change a very difficult thing.  If it were easy, no one would be overweight, smoke and we would all exercise on a regular basis.  But like anything that is difficult, their is a payoff in the end -- a healthier body, or in the case of discipline, better behaved children!  Having said all that, here is the technique:

1. Respond with an immediate empathetic statement when your child exhibits an undesirable behavior.  For example, "How sad" or "What a bummer." Find one that you feel comfortable with and follow it with a statement pointing out the undesirable behavior.  Here is an example:  "How sad, you hit me. You need to go to time out."  The concept of the empathetic statement comes from the Love and Logic parenting approach.  Click here to learn more.  By using the same statement each time your child misbehaves, you are helping to establish that neural pathway in the brain that says "Crap!  I've screwed up!" when they hear it.  Notice the "I" in that last statement?  We want them thinking about what THEY have done, not how we are responding.
2. Have the child go to the designated time out area.  You may have to physically direct young children to the time out area.  Try to minimize physical contact during the process so as to decrease the likelihood of reinforcing (more about that in a moment!) undesirable behaviors.  If you have a little one who won't stay in time out, you can position yourself and them in such a way that it minimizes their opportunity to escape.  For example, place them in a corner and stand near them in a strong stance (e.g., legs shoulder width apart, back turned away from them, etc.).  Notice, I did not say and INTIMIDATING stance -- we don't want to scare them!  We just want them to see from our body posture that we mean business (remember, about 85% of communication is body language!).  If you must, re-direct them physically back to the area at each attempt to escape. After a while, they will learn that no matter how many times they try to get out you are going to put them back.
3. Give as little reinforcement as possible while your child is in time out.  This is key!  Children will take whatever attention they can get -- positive OR negative!  The quickest way to extinguish a behavior is to ignore it.  This can be hard to do when kids are screaming, kicking and the like.  (By the way, you should move out of kicking/hitting range.  If they come after you, you may have to move them to their room to "cool off.")  Once you have told the child the reason they are in time out, say nothing more.  All those ugly behaviors are attempts to engage you in dialogue which to them means they might be able to get their way.  Here's the premise:  Consider you work in an office building.  You pass the same person in the hall every morning on your way into the building.  Every morning, you say "hello," but the person walking past says nothing and doesn't even look at you.  How many more times are you going to say "hello" before you decide it isn't worth the trouble?  Same premise with minimizing your contact during the time out process.  No words.  Use as little physical contact as possible and avoid eye contact. 
4. Don't discuss the reason they were in time out when it is done.  This is a hard one for lots of us!  Parents have a tendency to lecture kids after time out, but this steals their opportunity for learning.  When we lecture, kids start thinking about our reaction again instead of their poor choice.  When they have completed time out to your satisfaction, call them out and say something to the effect of "There's my sweet kid!  Let's go play outside."  Depending on the infraction that occurred, you may then ask for an apology if warranted, but keep it sweet and simple, e.g., "You hurt Joey.  You need to tell him that you are sorry."   

Are any of you familiar with Supernanny?  Her approach to kids who get out of bed at night is a perfect example of a behaviorally based discipline approach.  She suggests that the parent tell the children the first time they get out of bed that it is time for bed while they redirect them to their bedroom.  In all subsequent attempts, the parents redirect the children back to their bed without any discussion.  The parents keep this up until the children eventually give up which they do...eventually.   

I know, I know, this all sounds like a lot of work.  I won't lie -- it is.  But to use an old cliche "No pain, no gain."

How do you handle time out?  Do you have any tips to share to ease the process?  Post your thoughts and suggestions.

This is the sweetest commercial...and a great cause.

I am a puddle of mush right now.  Because of a commercial.  Yeah, that's right -- a silly commercial can make me cry.  Got a problem with that?!  I thought not.  Now lest you be thinking that I sit on the sectional and sob over toilet paper and Hallmark cards, the commercial I am talking about is from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.   

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this fantastic organization, their mission is "to give hope, strength and joy to children with life threatening medical conditions."  Did you know that they grant a wish every 41 minutes?!  Isn't that fantastic?! 

I was actually so moved by the commercial, that I signed up as a volunteer for our local chapter.  Do you want to help?  If so, all you need to do is click here.  Not sure?  Check out this video and tell me how you can say no...  I don't know about you, but I want to be Mr. Snodgrass when I grow up.

Time Out Tips: Step 1 - The Prep Work

Time out.  This is probably one of the most popular discipline strategies used by parents.  It is also one of the most difficult.  As smart as we are, our kids are sometimes smarter than we are when it comes to time out. 

As a home visitor and parent coach, I have seen parents who have time out down and others who really struggle with it.  To make matters worse, those that struggle often feel helpless and hopeless that they will be able to manage their children's behavior.  For those of you who didn't know, children can smell fear and are pre-programmed to know exactly how to take advantage of it!

Effective use of time out has been a hot topic in the last few weeks on many of my home visits (could it be the full moon?!).  As a result, I thought I would share some tips that I discuss with parents with my readers.  But first, there are a few precursory things to discuss before jumping into the technique itself:

• Determine what kinds of behaviors will warrant a time out.  If you are married or in a long term relationship, be sure to discuss this with your partner.  YOU MUST BE ON THE SAME PAGE!  This is a good time to discuss household rules if you have not already done so.  Check out this post for more information on establishing household rules.  Make sure you share with the kids what behaviors will warrant a time out!
• Determine where you will be doing the time out. Be sure it is in an area that is somewhat secluded, particularly if you have young children.  Doing a time out in the kitchen while you are making dinner offers your child way too much opportunity to get your attention.  More about how we sometimes inadvertently reinforce negative behaviors in a moment...
• Determine how long the time out will last.  The general rule of thumb is one minute for every year of age.  You also need to consider whether time out begins right away or if it starts when the child is calm.  That is entirely up to you as a parent.  You have to decide what works best for you and your child.  I'll share how we do "time outs" in the Mentor Mom household in an upcoming post :)
• Determine the "exit" strategy.  You need to consider how you are going to handle your child once he/she exits from time out.  For example, are you going to immediately require an apology?  Some parents do while for other parents, it depends on the infraction.  Many parents require apologies for behaviors that cause physical or emotional harm to others (e.g., hitting, name calling, etc.) but do not for annoying behaviors such as crying, yelling, or whining.  Again, you have to decide what works best for you and your family.
• Prepare yourself mentally!  You need to believe that you will be successful.  One of my favorite sayings is "How can anyone else believe in you if you don't believe in yourself?"  You may feel like mush on the inside, but you have to present a confident front.  The saying "Never let them see you sweat" is so true when it comes to parenting!

Okay, so we've discussed the prep work.  We'll talk next time about technique...