Reader Question: Lying Eight Year Old

My eight year old is a good and kind boy generally with a good heart and I believe he has pretty good self-esteem. We are conscious parents, who have raised him positively, with lots of hugs & kisses, child centered activities, clear boundaries, definite bedtimes with stories, everyday family meals and special times etc. He absolutely knows he is the centre of my world and can - and will - list the long list of people who love him. I tell you this because all the reading I have done indicates that low self esteem is a reason why children lie.

And my boy does, he does it to his parents and at school. Sometimes it is the big whopper lie - these worry me less - as they are more story like. But more often it is small lies (I didn't move the book, I did not say that to her, I did turn off my nintendo) even in the face of other people - teachers, class mates, parents, aunties having seen the action take place. These are not often very big misdoings, but he has a real problem with taking responsibility for his actions when he does do the wrong thing. Even if the action in itself is not something wrong he will still sometimes lie about it. This was particularly present last year and he was generally having a difficult year with lots of change at school and home, but he generally seems happier this year and more settled and yet the problem continues. I have tried talking to him about it, punishing him with related activity (i.e. you didn't turn the game off so you don't have it at all tomorrow). But these things don't seem to assist? Any advice??   Thanks. - Annie

 

Thanks for the question, Annie. Lying is a tough one! First, let me say that all kids lie. Some do it more often than others. Young children often lie to avoid consequence or getting in trouble. Helping them to learn that telling the truth is always the best policy can be difficult.

First and foremost, it is important for us to be good role models. Kids learn WAY more from what they see us do than what we tell them. The old adage "actions speak louder than words" is so true. Kids pick up on our little white lies, e.g., "If dad asks, don't tell him that I went shopping." So, be sure that you are being a good role model.

Having said that, it sounds like you provide your son with a loving and nurturing environment. You mentioned that there had been some change at school and home last year. Kids act out stress and anxiety differently than adults. The stress of that period may have had an impact on the behavior.

It sounds like you have tried a number of techniques to try to eliminate the behavior. I normally would have suggested using natural consequences which is usually quite effective with this behavior. Since you indicated that you tried this and have not observed a decrease in the lying, however, we will have to get a bit more creative.

When my son when through this phase, I used a Love and Logic technique called the "Brain Drain." With this technique, the parent runs out of energy to do things that are meaningful for the child. Say for instance a parent asks a child if he unloaded the dishwasher as she had asked and he says yes when he really didn't. The parent would respond with something like "Bummer, Jason. You told me that you unloaded the dishwasher yet it is still full. Being lied to really drains my energy."

The parent would then leave it at that. When Jason comes to the parent later and asks to go to a friend's for example, the parent would respond "What a bummer. I'd love for you to be able to go to Tommy's to play, but I'm afraid that I just can't trust you to be where you say you are going to be. So I'm afraid that you'll have to stay home. Maybe when I have more energy and know that I can trust what you tell me, you'll be able to go over to friend's houses to play."

The goal in this technique is to have the child see that when he lies, he becomes untrustworthy to the parent which then limits his ability to do the things that he wants such as watch television, play video games, go to the park, etc. The key is to come up with a statement that you can say every time your son lies, e.g., "How sad, lying makes me lose my energy." You want him to equate that your losing energy interferes with his ability to do things he likes such as watching TV, playing video games, etc.

I remember one time that we had been planning to go to a local pizza/video arcade one evening. My son lied to me several times during the day and, unfortunately, I lost all my energy to go.  It didn't take very many of these missed opportunities for him to realize that lying was not paying off.

Having said all this, it is also important to reinforce that telling the truth feels good. It's always best to have these discussions when everyone is in a good mood. It is often helpful to share stories about your own experiences with lying as a child and how it felt so much better once the truth was out.

I hope that I have answered your question, Annette. Lying really is a challenging behavior. The brain drain technique is hard to describe in writing, so please let me know if you need any clarification on its implementation. If you want more information on this and other Love and Logic techniques, I highly recommend Parenting with Love and Logic  by Foster Cline and Jim Faye. It is full of tips and strategies designed to help parents raise responsible children. It is at the top of my recommended readings for parents.

Best of luck to you and thanks for being a Mentor Mom reader!  I want to open this up for comments by others who have been through this stage.  How do you deal with lying?  Please share any tips or strategies that have worked for you!