My son who is 2yrs. and 8 months old is a very
"spirited" only child. We assume he knows the difference between
right and wrong because when he hits another child or takes something away from
another child he will say he's sorry and that he will be nice.
We recently had him enrolled in a daycare program, which the
daycare provider worked from her home. When he first started there,
all she said was how sweet he was, how polite he is etc, etc....He did push
some of the kids, but would apologize for it.
As time went on, he seemed to get worse in his behavior,
according to the daycare provider. She would say that he would just walk by a
child and push them for no reason, hit them or take a toy away. To my knowledge
I thought this was normal behavior for a two year old. By her definition,
"he's practically three and shouldn't be acting that way."
When it was nap time, she couldn't get him to fall asleep
unless she laid with him or even if he didn't fall asleep he just would not lay
still and keep quite so he wouldn't bother the other children from resting. She
tried to tell me that for his age, that's not normal behavior. That he always
has to touch everything, that he knows what he's doing, he knows when he's being
bad, etc....He's no longer with that daycare provider but she tried suggesting
that he be tested for ADHD.
My son knows how to behave when he wants to, sometimes he
takes naps, sometimes he doesn't. Yes, he has a tendency to hit other kids or
just take things away from them. There are times he's just either really good
or just refuses to listen.
Does all that sound like normal behavior for his age or does
it sound like cause for concern? Thank
You. -- Kristina
Thanks for the question, Kristina. That is a tough
one. Let me start by saying that it is not atypical for toddlers and twos
to hit, take toys, etc. Up until about
the age of two, children do not have the capacity to have malice towards one,
e.g., an 18 month old may hit his mother in her face without the intent of
causing harm. Up until about the age of two, redirection is the most
effective way to deal with hitting, pushing and taking toys.
Around the age of two, however, children really begin to test
boundaries hence the phrase "terrible twos." It is crucial
during this phase that any type of aggression such as hitting or pushing be
addressed immediately with some sort of consequence such as a time out.
The key is consistency. If the child is only asked to apologize to
whomever he pushed or hit, he will eventually begin to think it is okay to hit
or push because all I have to do is say I'm sorry. Separating him or her
from others and then having them apologize teaches them that whenever I do A
(push/hit) I get B (time out). It is really a basic behavior modification
tool. The goal is to get the child thinking BEFORE they push or hit
"hmmm, every time I do that I have to sit in the corner/step/my
room...don't think I want to do that right now."
In regards to sharing, I would refer to the post I did on
sharing. It is not uncommon for children under the age of three to have
difficulty with sharing. The post discusses a technique that may be
helpful to you. I would also like to refer you to the post I did on two year olds. It talks more in depth about what is going on with those terrible
twos from a social and emotional standpoint.
Spirited children can be a real challenge for parents and
care takers. They require a lot more hands on, redirection, etc., because
they are always testing their environment, e.g., "how many times can I do
this before mom and dad give in?" Where trouble can occur for these
kids is when parents or caretakers are not clear about their expectations and
fail to be consistent in their responses to negative behavior. Lack of
consistency just teaches these kids to push harder to get grown ups to give
in. Given all this, it is easy to understand why parents and caretakers
of spirited kids often throw their hands up in desperation.
In regards to the question regarding the sleep, I know of no
trick to get kids to sleep on command and I don't know if that was your daycare
providers expectation. Some kids require lots of sleep while others grow
out of afternoon naps quickly. Each child is different. I do
believe, however, that young children need a period of rest at some point
during the day. In our home, we had quiet time around two in the
afternoon where both kids went and played in their rooms quietly for an hour.
I didn't care if they slept, read a book, played with their farm set,
etc. The goal was to give them a regular period of time where they could
regroup for the remainder of the day. They fought it at first, but after
a while, they both came to enjoy it. Sometimes they would stay up there
for two hours! This type of alone play not only provides an opportunity
for them to learn how to calm and relax themselves, it also fosters a lot of
pretend play which is highly correlated with IQ.
So, to answer your question, no it is not uncommon for two
year olds to hit, push and have difficulty sharing. Having said that,
even though these behaviors are not uncommon, they need to be dealt with every
time they occur so that as the child understands that there are consequences
for their actions. Kids who don't learn this lesson early often have
difficulty when they start preschool or kindergarten. With
consistent responses to negative behavior, children are given the opportunity
to learn and to make better choices for themselves.
I hope that I have answered your question! Please let
me know if you have any follow up questions. Best of luck to you and
thanks for being a Mentor Mom reader!
Do you have a question for me? If so, drop me a line at [email protected]. I’ll respond to your question via e-mail. I only post questions/responses where permission to post it on my blog has been granted. If you agree to have your question posted, you can do so either
anonymously or first name only.