Mommy Guilt: Is it such a bad thing?

Guilt.  According to www.dictionary.com, guilt is defined as:

1.	the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.

2.	a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3.	conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

In my nearly twenty years as a social worker, I have yet to meet a parent (myself included) who has not experienced guilt.  Well, maybe one, but she's in prison and that is a WHOLE other story.  For most of us, however, the guilt we feel usually, er, hopefully falls under the second definition where we feel responsible for events whether our responsibility is real or imagined.  Event such as:

• Not know our child is following us in the house only to have the screen door slam and smack him in the middle of the forehead leaving a golf ball sized knot. 
• Forgetting to attend your children's Thanksgiving dinner at school only to find out at the end of the day that they were the only children without parents in attendance and had to sit by themselves (in my defense, the school failed to post a third reminder in the weekly newsletter).
• Failing to send in treats for a scheduled school event for which YOU signed up.
• Sending your child to his baseball game with a stained uniform shirt because you never got around to doing the wash.

Of course, this is just a small sampling of some of the things that we (I) feel guilty about on a regular basis.  Mind you, these are just the first couple of things that popped to mind.  This list could go on, and on, and on... 

Mommy guilt is by no means a new phenomenon.  I'm guessing it has been around for years.  Recently, however, it has become the topic of several books including:

• Mommy Guilt:   Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids
• Motherhood Without Guilt:  Being the Best Mother You Can Be and Feeling Great About It

You can read an interview  with the author of the latter title on The Mother of All Blogs, a wonderful and entertaining website by author Ann Douglas.  Just to be clear, I have not read either of this books (for which I feel tremendous guilt).  I must admit that I am intrigued that mommy guilt has become so prevalent that it has spawned two such titles.

So what about mommy guilt?  Is it really all that bad to feel guilt over some of our parenting choices and indiscretions?  Maybe it depends on what you DO with that guilt.  I mean, when it comes down to it, we have two choices:  1) we can beat ourselves up by telling ourselves that we are horrible, awful parents; or 2) we can acknowledge our mistake, brush ourselves off and commit to doing better next time.

Parental guilt becomes dangerous when we can't move past it.  It can interfere with how we interact with our children, e.g., becoming hypervigilent about our children's safety to the point where we cause them to feel anxious about their own safety.  In addition, constantly second guessing our decisions or replaying our mistakes undermines what I like to call our "parenting self-esteem."  If we don't have confidence in our own abilities, why would our children? 

Let's make an analogy to the workplace.  Would you rather work for a supervisor who is decisive and confident or a supervisor who is apprehensive, apologetic and anxious?  What might the differences be in the work environment?  Having worked for both over the years, I can tell you that I had a lot more respect for supervisors who were decisive when need be.  It allowed me to focus on my job because I knew everything else was under control. 

Having said that, this is not to say that we should not acknowledge our mistakes.  It is important to apologize to our children if we have screwed up.  You'd be surprised how many parents I have met over the years who don't apologize to their kids because they think it will undermine their credibility with them!  What they don't realize is their refusal to apologize IS undermining their credibility. 

It is important for kids to know that, as parents, we are not perfect.  Kids are INCREDIBLY forgiving!  I am blown away on a regular basis by how quickly my kids are able to forgive me for my mistakes, and yes, there are plenty of opportunities for me to ask for forgiveness.  Apologizing to our kids lets them know that it is okay to make mistakes and that they can expect forgiveness.  Modeling how to ask for forgiveness will serve them well in the future as we all know that they will make mistakes along the way.

But, back to the mommy guilty thing.  Do you struggle with mommy guilt?  Not sure?  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Am I feeling guilty over a situation that I had control over?  What can I do to avoid this outcome in the future?
• Have I set the bar to high for myself?  Am I striving to be perfect?  How realistic are my expectations  of myself?
• How much time and energy am I willing to expend on feeling guilty?  Are there are other more productive ways for me to spend my time?

Here's a simple formula to help resolve mommy guilt in a productive way:

1. Acknowledge your mistake.
2. Apologize if necessary.
3. Take time to consider what you have learned from the incident.
4. Make a plan if possible and/or necessary on how to prevent the situation in the future.
5. Consider the mistake a learning opportunity and make a commitment to yourself to do better next time.

I like that last line.  Jim Faye of the Love and Logic Institute says that "the road to wisdom is paved with mistakes."  This is true not just for kids, but for us as parents.  To expect perfection as a parent is unrealistic.  Great parents learn from their mistakes to become better parents.  If mommy guilt is what pushes us to get it right the next time, is it really such a bad thing?

What are your thoughts on mommy guilt?  Do you experience it?  Do you find that it pushes you to do better or does it affect your parenting self-esteem?  Post your responses!

Comments

[Devra Renner]

Thanks for the great mention of our book! Aviva and I have a goal of absolving guilt...one mommy (or daddy) at a time. We'll just wave our Mommy Guilt Absolution wand over you, so you need not feel guilty about not reading our book. We love the post you have written about a topic we obviously think is really important to discuss we wrote a book about it. I hope you will come and visit us at Parentopia and thanks again for mentioning our book! (and to make you feel even better about not having read it, you are in good company, because my husband hasn't read it yet either!)

[Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom]

Where can I get one of those Mommy Guilt Absolution wands?! I've got your book on my summer read list :) Thanks so much for swinging by my blog!