Babying Our Babies Part Two

In an earlier post, I asked whether any readers have found that they baby their youngest child.  As I mentioned in that earlier entry, this question came about when I noticed that I do this to an extent with my daughter.  I am also aware that I am not the only parent out there that does this.  Today, I want to continue the discussion (finally, for those of you who have been waiting patiently!) and talk about the possible impact this may have on our child.

You see, we do our children a great disservice when we baby them.   Of course, this is not our intent, but as I mentioned in my original post, we are often doing this because of OUR needs not our child's.   You may be asking "What's the big deal?"  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What message am I sending to my child? While we do these things out of love, we may inadvertently be sending our child the message that we don't think they are capable.  This, of course, could have an impact on their self-esteem.  When we send kids the "can do" message over little things such as making their bed, we are letting them know that they can take care of themselves.  There is nothing quite like the satisfaction of accomplishing a task no matter how big or small.  Even though my kids balk at having to clean up their rooms, the pride on their faces after a job well done is priceless. 
• When am I going to expect him/her to do these things on his/her own?  When do you plan to stop laying out clothes for your child?  When do you think it is reasonable for them to make their bed or lunch on their own?  We need to think about how long WE want to do these tasks for them.  Maybe some of you are prepared to do it until they are teenagers?
• Are my actions going to help them become independent, responsible adults?  I remember my mom doing my wash as a kid.  Many times, she wanted to teach me how to do laundry, but I fought against it.  I mean, after all, why would I WANT to take on more chores?!  In retrospect, I am soooo grateful that she did teach me how to do the laundry as well as how to cook, keep a clean house, work hard, etc.  I accepted those tasks as a part of growing up and was able to do them confidently when I moved away to college.  Can you image if I never had to do any of those things before leaving home?!  I would have been lost out in the big world on my own.   Teaching our children to do things on their own is a part of our job as parents, i.e., to help prepare them to live independently in the future.  So, let's not steal away their opportunities for learning because we need to feel needed.
• What message am I sending to the older siblings?  Kids are quite astute, particularly when it comes to noticing how we treat their siblings.  If your eight year old remembers having to pack his own lunch at the age of five but sees you doing it for his five year old brother, you must be prepared to answer the "why" question.  That is, if he asks.  He may just store that observation away in his "mom likes Tommy better than me" file along with any other perceived injustices by his sibling.  All those "memos" will come to a head at a private board meeting with Tommy who won't even see it coming.  You can avoid possible sibling rivalry issues by having the same expectations for your younger child as you did for your eldest when he was that age.

While babying our babies feels good at the time, we must consider the possible implications of this behavior. Here are some tips for those wanting to avoid babying their baby:

• Keep a journal.  Most of you know I am a big advocate of journaling.  If the process of keeping up with a journal seems too daunting, perhaps you do a behavior log.  For one week, write down on a daily basis all the "extra" things you do for your youngest, e.g., making their bed, preparing their lunch box, etc.  Review it at the end of seven days and decide which tasks you need to allow your child to do.  You may have to help them with the task for a while until they are able to do it on their own.
• Consider your motivation.  Take time to think about why you may be doing more for your youngest.  As Dr. Phil would say, "We can't change what we don't acknowledge."
• Look to the future.  As I said earlier, look ahead and think about when you WANT your child to be doing these things.  Case in point, a parent of an almost three year old allowed the child to "graze" at mealtime, i.e., he was able to get up and down from the table during meals whenever he wanted.  As a result, breakfast might remain on the table for an hour or more while he went back and forth between toys, TV and nibbling.  The parent did not see this behavior as a problem.  When asked at what age she expected him to remain seated at a table for a meal, she replied when he was about four.  When pointed out that four was not that far away, she realized that she wasn't doing anything in the current situation that would support this change.  As a result, she started changing the dynamics at mealtime in order to encourage the change that she wanted to achieve by his fourth birthday.

What are your thoughts on this topic?  Do you have any ideas or suggestions for others?  Share your ideas!