Sassy mouths. Back talk. Back chat. Disrespect. Aaaarrrrgh! It is enough to drive a parent crazy!!! I can identify, people. My usually very easy going five year old has turned into a sassy, disrespectful and mouthy kid. What in the world is going on! I've shared in other posts that my son was very challenging when he was three and four. Those ages passed by without incident with my daughter...until now. I've been caught off guard. My responses are inconsistent. My fuse is shorter than usual. So, is the problem her...or me!
Changes in our children's behavior can be challenging. Sometimes the changes are drastic, as in the situation with my daughter, or sometimes they are subtle and increase over time. When I am speaking to parent groups, I often tell them to consider their children to be little scientists. Their sole purpose is to poke holes in our parenting theories. They think things like "how long do I have to cry before they will give me what I want?" "How many times will they say no?" "What will happen if I just do it anyhow?"
When we recognize that things are starting to deteriorate in our interactions with our children, we have to stop and regroup. We need to consider not only what is going on with the child, but what is going on with us as well. For example, this sassy behavior with my daughter has been going on for about two weeks. Here are some correlations I came up with as a result of "regrouping""
- I have been sick for about a week and a half with a nasty case of bronchitis (hence the lack of regular blog posts!). I have not been as physically and emotionally available to her as a result.
- Our household routines have suffered, e.g., fewer meals at the table, less time together as a family, etc.
- Both my husband and I have been very busy with outside work activities which has led to more time on the computer or out of the house, more running of errands, etc., leaving us feeling "rushed."
- My daughter has been complaining about not getting enough sleep.
- She also may be experiencing the lingering affects of a virus she had a couple weeks ago.
So, what to do? It was clear to me that I needed to invest in some quality one on one time with her. I decided to take her out to dinner and then to the mall to pick out her "birthday basket" at a local toy store. She decided to challenge me before we were even out the door:
Her: Will you buy me a watch?
Me: Not today. Maybe you could pick one out and put it in your birthday basket. That would make a great gift.
Her: YOU NEVER BUY ME ANYTHING! IT'S NOT FAIR!
Me: (After taking a very deep breathe and telling myself to keep my cool) That is so sad. I can't go out with a kid who yells at me. Why don't you go upstairs and come down when you can talk to me using a sweet voice.
Her: I HATE YOU! (followed by stomping up the stairs, slamming the door, screaming and kicking stuff around her room.)
A few minutes later:
Her: I'M SORRY! (said in a nasty voice with a scowl on her face).
Me: (taking another deep breathe) That still sounds like an angry voice. Why don't you go away and come back with a sweet voice.
Her: I'm not going to my room!
Me: I don't care where you go as long as I can't see you or hear you.
She stomps off to the bathroom, shuts the door and proceeds to fuss and whine for about five minutes. The door finally squeaks open and my beautiful daughter with a pathetic tear streaked face stands before me:
Her: I'm sorry mom.
Me: There's my sweet girl. Give me a kiss and a hug and let's get going!
We proceeded to have a wonderful night out without any further incident. Of course, I will not delude myself in thinking that she will never be sassy again! I know it will happen. But I also know that I need to get back to responding in a consistent manner.
Now that she was in a good mood, I took the opportunity to discuss the sassy behavior with her in the car. I asked her what she thinks I should do when she gets sassy. She said she would rather go to the bathroom and cool off than go to her room because she doesn't like being upstairs by herself. Fair enough.
It is easy to forget sometimes to ask our kids what they think is fair or what consequence they would prefer. Involving them in the process and giving them a say can make it easier to get compliance. We can always use the "Hey, it was your idea to go to the bathroom to cool off when you are sassy. Let's get moving."
Another key point is to discuss these things WHEN OUR KIDS ARE IN A GOOD MOOD! Why do we try to talk to them about these kinds of things when they are angry?! The brain is shut down at that point. It is just a waste of time. Wait until they are in a happy mood and they will be much more likely to be invested in the conversation. Present it in a non-confrontational way such as "I wonder what we could do when you yell at mom" or something to that effect.
Have you had to "re-group" with your kids? What worked for you? How do you deal with backchat? Post your suggestions!
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