The Mentor Mom

Reader Question: Fear of Bugs?

Hi there, I am hoping you can help me. All of a sudden my 5 yr old is afraid of Bees & Bugs, he is constantly asking if there is a bug on him, or a bee in the house. He will even ask if there are bees outside yet. I am trying to be considerate with him, but he will not even play outside at this point. He will be soon starting outside soccer and I am afraid of what this will be like.  I don't know what to do- please help me, any suggestions would be great !  - Sherry

Hi Sherry,

Oh boy, do I feel for you!  I have been in your shoes.  My son had a fear of bees at the same age.  I'm guessing that you read my post about childhood fears?  Here's the good news:  this is a fairly common  childhood fear that will pass with time.  The hard part for us as parents is knowing HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE?!

I think the hardest part for parents (at least for me) is to remember that these fears are VERY real to our kids.  We can tell them until we are blue in the face that they have nothing to fear, but we are wasting our breath. 

As I said in my earlier post, we need to put ourselves in our kids shoes.  Think about something that scares you, e.g., snakes or maybe it is spiders?  Now imagine you are going out into an environment where you know that they are and can pop out at any time.  Now imagine you are paralyzed by that fear.  It is all you can think about.  Now add your husband or friends telling you "it's fine" or "your being silly, you won't get hurt."  Would that change your mind?  Probably not.

I'm afraid there is no quick fix for this, Sherry.  The only thing you can do as a parent is be patient and understanding.  This fear will pass as your child realizes that bees are not the threat that he has made them out to be.  Having said that, it is something he has to figure out on his own which will take time and experience. 

One thing you can try is to share a story about something you are afraid of and how you handled it.  Maybe have your husband or grandparents do the same.  Hearing from others who we value and admire about how we handled similar situations can be empowering.

Another technique would be to try small stints outside.  Maybe make a deal that if he comes out for five minutes you'll read him a special story.  Tell him that he is able to go in at any time so that he knows he is in control.  Gradually increase the time as he starts getting comfortable.  Don't talk about how he is doing until AFTER he has had some success, e.g., "Wow!  You are so brave!  You stayed outside for five minutes."  Ask him how he felt while he was outside.  Let him know that HE should be proud of himself for overcoming this fear for the allotted time.

Another tip would be to teach him about bees and bugs.  Go to the library and pick out some kid friendly books about bees.  Maybe pick up some cool outside tools that he can use to look at bugs up close when he is ready.  One of my kid's favorites is the bug vacuum which you can find at Target.  See if your local zoo or children's museum has any bug related exhbits.  The children's museum in our area had a cool beehive under glass last year.  The kids were able to learn about bees  in a completely safe environment.

Hang in there, Sherry!  Childhood fears can be soooo challenging!  Imagine this, my daughter was afraid of the wind for one complete summer!!!!  Talk about frustrating!  We got through it though.  It wasn't easy, but we got through it and so will you. 

Thanks so much for the question and being a Mentor Mom reader.  Be sure to keep me posted on how he progresses!

Happy Birthday Baby!

A letter to my son on his birthday:

I am overcome with emotion as I write this.  It is hard to believe that just nine years ago, you entered this world changing forever the lives of me, your father and so many others.  From the beginning, you challenged me.  You were like a puzzle that I had to put together without the benefit of a picture to look at.  With time, however, I started to understand you.  I became one with you.  I remember sitting in the rocker in your room for hours staring at you as I held you.  So many times I cried because I was overwhelmed with joy that you had entered my life.  As you grew, I was amazed by your zeal for life, your ability to notice every small detail in your environment and your ever increasing vocabulary!  That remains true to this day.

With each year, there were new challenges.  We worked through them together growing closer and closer along the way.  I am filled with love, pride and overwhelming joy when I think about the young man you have become.  You are sensitive, kind, and nurturing and you make me proud every single day.  You have so many gifts to share with the world.

You inspire me each and every day to want to be a better person and a better parent.  I would not be who I am today if it were not for you.  Happy birthday, baby.  I love you to edges of the universe and back. -- Mom

Babying Our Babies

Do you find that you treat your youngest child differently?  By that I mean, do you have different expectations for them than you did for your other children when they were at that age? 

For example, I find that I am still doing things for my five year old that I had stopped doing for my son at a much earlier age.   Is it about her ability to do these things?  No.  It isn't an issue with her, it is an issue with me.

Many parents, particularly moms, fall into the trap of doing more for their youngest child than they did for the others.  So why would one do this?  Maybe it just seems easier to do it for them or perhaps it makes us feel good to do it.

Perhaps it is an unconscious desire to feel needed.  That seems a little bizarre doesn't it?  I mean most of us want our kids to be more independent as it usually makes our lives easier.  So why do we sabotage by doing things like making their bed, laying out their clothes, etc.

Maybe it's fear.  Fear of the unknown.  As our children gain skills and become more independent, our role as a parent changes and change can be scary!  During the early years, our role as nurturer was quite clear.  It is our job to give hugs, kisses, and kiss the boo-boos.  We love doting on our sick kids, snuggling with them in our laps or curling up on the couch. 

But our role as nurturer starts to change as our kids get older.  Don't get me wrong.  Our kids will always need nurturing, it's just that the way we nurture starts to change.  For example, an elementary age child might not want you to hug or kiss him goodbye at drop off in the morning.  They may find this embarrassing.  And from a physical standpoint, they are getting big!  Snuggling gets a little bit more difficult as our kids grow.  Wasn't it easier when we could hold them on our laps?!

So what's my point?  The goal of todays post is to get you thinking.  Do you baby your baby?  If so, do you have any thoughts on why?  Please post your responses.  Next time we will talk about some of the outcomes for our kids when we engage in this behavior.  Until then!

Hey, who's running this household?!

Have you ever felt like you were losing control of your household?  Are your kids ruling the roost?  I know that there are many parents out there who are muttering "yes" under their breath!  As a home visitor, I know that there are many parents who are struggling to get control of their house and their children.  For those of you out there who are feeling overwhelmed, know that you are not alone!  I think that the majority of parents have felt this way at one point in time.  I know I sure did! 

Let me share a little of my experience.  After the initial shock of being responsible for this little human being that we brought home from the hospital, I found the first two years to be relatively easy.  But when the testing and manipulative behaviors started after my son turned two, I was at a loss!  Here I was, a college educated woman, a social worker with training in child development and family dynamics no less, and this little toddler is running my home!   I spent my days helping families in crisis learn how to manage their children's behavior, but I had no idea how to handle my own!  My feelings of guilt about being a working mother and leaving my child in daycare were muddling my ability to do what I knew needed to be done.  It really was an exasperating period.  I knew, however, that I had to get control of my home and my child.  The writing was on the wall:  fail at this and you will never be able to control you child.  That was not acceptable.

I decided to change what I was doing.  I talked with my friends who had already been through this with their children.  It was such a relief to find out that they had the same experiences at some point in time as a parent.  That in and of itself was a huge boost to my parenting self-esteem.  If these women who I respected as wonderful, loving parents were able to do it, then so could I.  I started reading books on particular child rearing issues.  I started to raise my parenting self-esteem.

I find that parents often struggle with what I call their "parenting self-esteem."  We may be confident and assertive at work, but have difficulty translating these characteristics into success at home.  The cause of low parenting self-esteem varies from parent to parent, but the two most common causes that I have seen over the years as a home visitor are parental guilt and lack of knowledge.  Guilt over being away at work all day can lead to parents being permissive or overindulgent.  When I speak of lack of knowledge, I am not just talking about the "what to do when your child..." kind of stuff.  I am also talking about understanding their child's development, e.g., what is normal for each developmental age; why do they do these behaviors; etc.  Other causes of low parenting self-esteem can be lack of good parenting role models as children, disparity between parents on discipline techniques and the list can go on and on.

The good news is low parenting self-esteem can be fixed!  There are a number of options, e.g., reading books on discipline and child development, finding a program in your area that provides in home parent education, taking parenting classes, etc. 

Let's compare becoming a parent to starting a new job for a moment.  When you start a new job, you know very little about the organization and how it operates, right?  So what do you do?  You talk to co-workers, ask questions, ask for help, read the organizational policies or books related to your field, attend in-services or workshops on pertinent topics, etc.  So why don't we do this when it comes to parenting?  I know, I know, time is at a premium any more, but don't we owe it to our kids to give them the same level of commitment that we do to say our work?  Just a thought :)

So, what is your parenting self-esteem like?  What kinds of things have you done in the past to feel more confident as a parent?  Share your stories!!  In closing, if you are a parent struggling to get control, please drop  me a line.  In addition to offering workshops and parenting classes in my local area, I might be able to help you as a parent coach.  Drop me a line if you are interested :)

Those darn sassy kids!

Sassy mouths.  Back talk.  Back chat.  Disrespect.  Aaaarrrrgh!  It is enough to drive a parent crazy!!!  I can identify, people.  My usually very easy going five year old has turned into a sassy, disrespectful and mouthy kid.  What in the world is going on!  I've shared in other posts that my son was very challenging when he was three and four.  Those ages passed by without incident with my daughter...until now.  I've been caught off guard.  My responses are inconsistent.  My fuse is shorter than usual.  So, is the problem her...or me! 

Changes in our children's behavior can be challenging.  Sometimes the changes are drastic, as in the situation with my daughter, or sometimes they are subtle and increase over time.  When I am speaking to parent groups, I often tell them to consider their children to be little scientists.  Their sole purpose is to poke holes in our parenting theories.  They think things like "how long do I have to cry before they will give me what I want?"  "How many times will they say no?"  "What will happen if I just do it anyhow?"

When we recognize that things are starting to deteriorate in our interactions with our children, we have to stop and regroup.  We need to consider not only what is going on with the child, but what is going on with us as well.  For example, this sassy behavior with my daughter has been going on for about two weeks.  Here are some correlations I came up with as a result of "regrouping""

• I have been sick for about a week and a half with a nasty case of bronchitis (hence the lack of regular blog posts!).  I have not been as physically and emotionally available to her as a result. 
• Our household routines have suffered, e.g., fewer meals at the table, less time together as a family, etc.
• Both my husband and I have been very busy with outside work activities which has led to more time on the computer or out of the house, more running of errands, etc., leaving us feeling "rushed."
• My daughter has been complaining about not getting enough sleep.
• She also may be experiencing the lingering affects of a virus she had a couple weeks ago.

So, what to do?  It was clear to me that I needed to invest in some quality one on one time with her.  I decided to take her out to dinner and then to the mall to pick out her "birthday basket" at a local toy store.  She decided to challenge me before we were even out the door:

Her:   Will you buy me a watch?
Me:   Not today.  Maybe you could pick one out and put it in your birthday basket.  That would make a great gift.
Her:  YOU NEVER BUY ME ANYTHING!  IT'S NOT FAIR!
Me:    (After taking a very deep breathe and telling myself to keep my cool) That is so sad.  I can't go out with a kid who yells at me.  Why don't you go upstairs and come down when you can talk to me using a sweet voice.
Her:   I HATE YOU!  (followed by stomping up the stairs, slamming the door, screaming and kicking stuff around her room.)

A few minutes later:

Her:    I'M SORRY! (said in a nasty voice with a scowl on her face).
Me:    (taking another deep breathe) That still sounds like an angry voice.  Why don't you go away and come back with a sweet voice.
Her:   I'm not going to my room!
Me:    I don't care where you go as long as I can't see you or hear you.

She stomps off to the bathroom, shuts the door and proceeds to fuss and whine for about five minutes.  The door finally squeaks open and my beautiful daughter with a pathetic tear streaked face stands before me:

Her:    I'm sorry mom.
Me:    There's my sweet girl.  Give me a kiss and a hug and let's get going!

We proceeded to have a wonderful night out without any further incident.  Of course, I will not delude myself in thinking that she will never be sassy again!  I know it will happen.  But I also know that I need to get back to responding in a consistent manner.

Now that she was in a good mood, I took the opportunity to discuss the sassy behavior with her in the car.  I asked her what she thinks I should do when she gets sassy.  She said she would rather go to the bathroom and cool off than go to her room because she doesn't like being upstairs by herself.  Fair enough.

It is easy to forget sometimes to ask our kids what they think is fair or what consequence they would prefer.  Involving them in the process and giving them a say can make it easier to get compliance.  We can always use the "Hey, it was your idea to go to the bathroom to cool off when you are sassy.  Let's get moving." 

Another key point is to discuss these things WHEN OUR KIDS ARE IN A GOOD MOOD!  Why do we try to talk to them about these kinds of things when they are angry?!  The brain is shut down at that point.  It is just a waste of time.  Wait until they are in a happy mood and they will be much more likely to be invested in the conversation.  Present it in a non-confrontational way such as "I wonder what we could do when you yell at mom" or something to that effect.

Have you had to "re-group" with your kids?  What worked for you?  How do you deal with backchat?  Post your suggestions!