The Mentor Mom

Quote of the Week

Failure.  We do everything in our power to avoid it to no avail.  As parents, we are often our own worst critic.  We strive for perfection.  To be the best possible parent to our children as we can.  But alas, there is no perfection in parenting. 

We all know that there is no one-size, fits all handbook for raising children.  Each of us carries around our own personal baggage that makes our parenting experience just a little different than the next person.  Add to that the diversity in our children, their temperaments and their baggage and one could only surmise that to expect perfection is futile. 

How we look at our failures is all a matter of perspective.  While I personally do my best to avoid failure and making mistakes, I also realize that mistakes are powerful learning tools.  Many of us have encountered a situation in the workplace where we made one or more major mistakes (well, at least I have!).  While painful to acknowledge and embarrassing to deal with, the sting fades and we are left with an experience that will help us in the future to better navigate a similar situation in the future.

So, rather than beating yourself up next time you respond to a situation with your child in a way that you had not intended, brush yourself off and promise to do better next time.          

            "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." 
                                    
                                                                    - Confucius, c. 550-478 BC; Chinese Philosopher

Weekly Parent Challenge: Date Night

My friend, Jen Lemen, over at Minti wrote an article a while back challenging member to consciously give their children their total attention on a regular basis.  That shouldn't be so hard, should it?  Well, for some of us (me included!) it is! 

There is an old saying that "we teach what we want to become."  I strive to be the best possible parent that I can to my children.  It is my purpose in life.  I also know that it is my life's mission to encourage and educate other parents to do the same along the way.  So in keeping with that vein, I am going to try to post weekly challenges here that encourage connecting with your kids.  They are really for me to keep on track.  If others want to join me along the  way, all the better! 

I would like to challenge parents not only to devote 15 minutes per day to giving their children their total attention, but to do at least one planned activity per week to connect with their kids.  This weeks challenge:  A date night with one of your kids.   This could be a trip to the park, bowling, going to the library or painting fingernails.  The idea is that you plan something you know your child will enjoy and that it is one on one.  I am planning on taking my daughter on a date this weekend as we are long overdue.  We will be going to see Charlotte's Web.

Do you want to participate in this challenge?  Post your commitment/intentions in the comment section or if you are looking for more support and encouragement, you can join the Total Attention Challenge group at Minti.  Either way, I hope you join me this week.  Here's to connecting with our kids!

Using Physical Discipline: Some things to consider.

This past week, I was listening to a talk radio show that was discussing a California Assemblywoman who wants to pass a law making it a misdemeanor to spank a child under the age of three.  This got me thinking about the use of physical discipline...a topic which I have not yet discussed on this blog until now.

Many of you are aware that I am a former Protective Services Worker.   For the record, it is not against the law in my home state of Michigan to use physical discipline.  It is, however, against the law here to leave a mark on a child as a result of using physical discipline. 

Sadly, I have seen firsthand the results of excessive physical discipline.  I must say that MOST of the parents in these cases had no intention of injuring their child and felt horrible guilt as a result.  Most shared that they did not want to use physical discipline on their children, but did so in a moment of anger or frustration.  Many grew up in households where physical discipline was used. 

To spank or not to spank is a hotbed of controversy for some.  There are many parents out there that have very strong opinions on both sides of this issue.  I'm not going to say yay or nay either way to the use of physical discipline.  I believe that as parents, we have to decide which parenting tools work best for us and our children.  I also believe that when we are looking at using a disipline strategy, we should be well informed and give much consideration as to whether that strategy is likely to give us the results we desire. So in that vain, here are some things to consider:

• Has the use of physical discipline stopped the undesirable behavior?
• How do I feel after I have used physical discipline?
• Do I want my child to behave because she's afraid of the consequences or because it is the right thing to do?
• How does physical discipline impact how my child views me?  What impact will the use of physical discipline have on him in the future? 
• How do I want my child to handle conflict as an adult?

The research on the effectiveness of spanking as a discipline practice vary.  Dr. Phil has summarized these results on his website as has the American Psychological Association. They are worth checking out.

I can tell you that as a Protective Services worker, I saw a pattern with many of the physical abuse cases I investigated.  In the majority of the cases, the use of physical discipline was not effective in eliminating behavior problems long term.  This would be in keeping with some of the results of the studies.  It also seemed that as the kids got older and bigger, they fought back, ran away or the use of physical discipline had absolutely no impact on changing any undesirable behaviors.  As a matter of fact, the older the child was, it seemed the worse their behavior became, e.g., backtalk, drinking, drugs, sex, etc.   Keep in mind, these are just my observations from my time in the field.

As I said earlier, I believe that parents need to make well informed choices about the strategies and techniques they use with their children.  This post is not about judging who is right and who is wrong in this debate, but rather to share information.  I hope that it is received in the spirit that it is intended.

So, what are your thoughts on this subject?   Do you use physical discipline and if so, has it been effective?  If you do not use physical discipline, what techniques have you found to be most effective in promoting behavioral change?   I am very interested to hear from you on this one :)

Cultivating Kindness in Kids

When parents are asked what they want most for their children in life, the majority of parents answer "to be happy."  Makes sense.  But what does it mean to be happy?  Does it mean being rich?  Famous?  What do we as parents need to do to ensure our children's happiness?  Or better yet, do we have any control over this? 

As parents, we often put a lot of energy into making sure our children behave and that they do well in school.  That in and of itself can be a full days work!  But what about cultivating our children's character?  Have you considered what qualities you want your children to have as adults and if so, what things are you doing to help them develop these attributes?  I mean we all want our kids to be happy and successful, but what KIND of person do we want them to be?

For example, one characteristic that we value highly in our home is kindness.  We encourage our children to be giving.  We talk about about being kind to others.  They participate in charitable events at school.  Despite this, I see more moments of selfishness than I care to.  I can talk until I'm blue in the face to them about being kind, but I've learned that this is not nearly as effective as them seeing it firsthand.

As a result, I decided that rather than trying to guilt them into being kind (sorry, this is a product of my Catholic upbringing), I would intentionally start doing several kind acts a day.  Lest you think that I am Cruella DeVille, I have always made it a quest to do kind acts for others on a regular basis. Upon reflection, however, I realized that many of these acts were done at work or when the children were not around. 

So I began several weeks ago doing little things for the kids or their father and the results have been nothing less then amazing.  Now these acts have not been huge, e.g., taking the trash out for my husband, turning on the electric mattress pad for him, etc.  One of the things I like to do for the kids from time to time is to run their bath, put on one of my relaxation cds and light a candle while they soak.  They love it.  Well, last week, my son wanted to do a kind act for his sister.  He ran her bath, put on some of her favorite music and took in a glowing snowman that he had received over the holidays and dimmed the lights for her.  He even laid out her pajamas and towel!  I was floored!  It was working!  And the kind acts keep coming, e.g., putting the dishes away without asking, helping fold laundry, or going to bed to find that someone has turned on the electric mattress pad for me! 

There has been a wonderful byproduct of all this kindness...there is more harmony in the house!  Less bickering, more cooperation, more sharing and giving.  It truly is a wonderful thing!

So, have you considered what personal qualities you want your child to emulate?   Have your written them down?  If you have considered this, what things have you tried to encourage this quality?  Please share any tips, strategies or thoughts you might have :)

Get your family organized in 2007!

What better way to start the new year than by getting organized!  Some of you groan at the thought, I know.  For those of you avoiding getting organized, consider this:  the state of our external environment is a good indication of our internal environment. 

For example, upon entering my home, most would say it is neat and tidy.  But if one were to explore most of the closets, drawers and cupboards, they would find a plethora of papers and junk with no particular rhyme or reason.   Take out menus are mixed in with outdated coupons, screwdrivers, safety pins, etc.  Most people I know have a "junk drawer."  Well, I have about ten of them.  All this matches how I feel most of the time, i.e., looking pulled together on the outside but feeling really overwhelmed on the inside.

Now I'm sure I am not the only one out there struggling to get organized.  After all, most of us know that getting better organized can save us lots of time and energy that we can then expend in more important and purposeful areas of our lives like our family.  But, where to start?  Well, I thought I would share a great resource that I found that has helped me conquer some of the drawer clutter.

The Family Facts Life Organizer and Planner is the best family  organizer I have found to date.  I had read about the organizer on a website, but had been unable to find one online.  But while out perusing the shelves at the local Barnes and Nobles, I found it!  Better yet, it was 50% off!  I picked it up for the bargain price of $10.57!

This thing just about does it all.  The binder itself is very sturdy with a magnetic closure.  Inside, there are different sections including a calendar, telephone numbers, children's information, medical and house and home.  It is a great way to keep important information right at your finger tips. 

One big plus for me is that the binder format allows for customization. While it is fairly comprehensive, it does not cover meal planning/shopping.  Regular readers know that this is always a source of frustration for me, i.e., I hate cooking and I hate grocery shopping.  I found an organizational website that has a variety of menu and shopping checklists that can be downloaded for free.  Organizedhome.com  has lots of other forms and checklists including travel checklists, holiday and birthday party organizers, etc.  They even have a form to help plan a yard sale!  It's a great site, so go check it out.

Being a very visual person, I have found that the organizational process is much more tolerable when using colorful and sassy organizational tools.  But where to find them?  You need look no further than Seejanework.com.  This site offers a cornucopia of fun and funky file folders and desk accessories. 

One of my favorites is Pepperpot's Personal Organizer.  I actually have two of these.  I use one as a shopping and coupon organizer and the other for receipts, stamps, and all of those little slips of paper that I accumulate over the course of a week cluttering the bottom of my purse. 

I also like PepperPot's Business Card Holder.  I use mine to corral the multitude of punch cards, club cards and the like that fatten up my wallet. You know, those things that you can never find when you get to the counter at the Hallmark store.  These two items have significantly decreased the amount of time I spend digging through my purse at checkouts much to the delight of impatient shoppers behind me.

So, how are you starting out the new year?  Does your external environment mirror your internal environment?  If so, what are you going to do about it?  For those of you who are already organized, do you have any tips or strategies to share?  Please post any tips or resources you may have! 

Movie Review: Night at the Museum

Time for another movie review!  My family had the opportunity to go see A Night at the Museum starring Ben Stiller this past weekend.  This movie had been highly recommended to us by one friend and received a marginal recommendation from another, so we thought we would decide for ourselves.

The movie is based on Ben Stiller's character, a divorcee with a young son and an unimpressive resume.  He finally secures a job at the museum as the night guard in an attempt to maintain stable employment and thus stable housing.  As you have probably seen from the trailers, the exhibits come to life making the night watchman job just a little more difficult.

We enjoyed the movie for a number of reasons: 

1. It is filled with lots of interesting history tidbits presented in a way that is entertaining to kids.  No, they don't go into great detail about Easter Island or Teddy Roosevelt's presidency, but it opens up wonderful topics for discussion afterward.
2. No movie would be complete without a message.  The message here?  That we all have greatness within and to stick with something once you start.  I really like those messages :)
3. There is one scene that used a phrase that was suggestive (which would pass right over the heads of most kids).  Other than that, there was no other inappropriate content which is always a bonus (isn't it a shame that I even have to discuss inappropriate content in a family movie!).
4. There were some fight scenes, but nothing over the top or offensive.  Most involved a monkey...

The kids absolutely loved the movie.   My husband, an avid history buff, found it quite enjoyable as did I.  On a scale of 1 to 5 (with one being horrible), I would give it a 4.  It was good enough that it we will purchase it when it comes out on DVD.  Happy movie watching!

Memories: Leave a legacy for your children.

I have been thinking a lot about my own mortality recently.  This as a result of hearing that my cousin, a mother of five, is in the beginning stages of liver failure as a result of her long battle with cancer. 

As I think about her spending time with her children, I wonder what she must be thinking and feeling about now.  I'm guessing that she is cherishing every minute of every day that she has with her children, husband and family.  Continuing to battle, but always wondering about how much time is left.   

One never truly knows how much time he or she has on this earth.  In my previous post, I discussed making this the year I live without regrets.  As I think about my cousin's situation, I think about  my children growing up without  me.   What will they remember of me as they grow older?  Did I tell them how wonderful they are are how I cherish each moment with them each and every day?  Do they know the depths of the love that I feel for them?  Do they know my fears, my hopes and my dreams?  What do they REALLY know about me and my own upbringing? 

As I sit here typing this post through teary eyes, I realize that there are many things I want my children to remember and know about me that I have not yet shared.  My biggest regret would be to leave these things unsaid.  As parents, we often get so caught up in the day to day aspects of raising children and running a household, that the really important messages get pushed to the side.  Yes, I tell my children on a daily basis that I love them, but do I REALLY tell them?   Do I stop what I am doing, get down on their level and look them in their beautiful, blue eyes and REALLY tell them that they are the center of my universe?

I remember watching an Oprah episode once about a remarkable mother who was diagnosed with cancer and had only six months to live.  Her daughter was very young and she realized that she had much that she wanted to share with her but would be unable to.  So she started video taping herself sharing with her daughter her thoughts on love, marriage, children and other things that moms do including relationship and makeup tips!  I sobbed as I watched thinking what a wonderful legacy she was leaving for her child as well as the tragedy that she had to do this as a result of this horrible disease.  Her daughter, now a teenager, shared how much those tapes have meant to her over the years. 

In reflecting on all this, I realized that I don't have anything for my children or family to reflect on.  Oh, I've got photos in boxes and in files in my laptop, but nothing put together in a meaningful and personal way.  I love scrapbooks, but, regrettably, do not enjoy scrapbooking.  I've got ALL the stuff I need to put them together except the motivation.  Isn't that sad?

Realizing that the prospect of scrapbooking is overwhelming to me at the moment, I have decided to start a different, more personal way of leaving a legacy for my children:  I am starting a mother's journal for each of them.  I had originally planned on writing a letter to each of my children and my husband every January, but then thought, why not incorporate this letter into a journal where I can add comments and thoughts on birthdays, good days and even some bad days.  I do enjoy journaling a great deal and this will be a wonderful way to share my hopes, dreams and love with them.  Now, there are some mother's journals out there for purchase.  I have chosen to purchase two blank, unlined journals as I can paste a photo here or there if so desired. 

Thinking about how much I would cherish something like this from my own parents, I have purchased them grandparent journals, one for each, so that they too can share their memories.

As I said earlier, none of us knows how much time we have.  Has this post given you food for thought?  Have you already thought this through and started scrapbooking, journaling or some other creative way of sharing memories with your children?  Do post your thoughts and comments. 

In closing, I would like to ask for your thoughts and prayers for my cousin, Gail, and her family during this most difficult time.  She is a strong and proud woman who is fighting this with every fiber in her body.  I do not buy into all medical prognosis as I believe that determination and strength as well as some angels looking out for you can change ones fate.

2007: The year I live without regrets.

Ah, another New Year's Day has come and gone.  The holiday decorations are being taken down.  The holiday break is over.  The kids are returning to school and our household routines are getting back on track.

The new year brings with it a time for reflection.  A time to review our accomplishments and progress on goals from the year before.  It is also a time to reflect on those things that did not go so well.

I've got to be honest with you, I don't even remember what my New Years resolutions were from last year.  I guess that is a good indication of how important they were to me.  I actually cringe when I hear the word "resolution."  Why is it that they are so hard to stick to?  Maybe it is because there is usually no plan to support it. 

Being a social worker, I am used to working within the framework of goals versus resolutions. 
What is the difference you may ask?  Goals identify an area of need or desired change with action steps to support the change.  Here's an example:

Goal:  To live a healthy lifestyle.
Objectives or Action Steps:
1)  I will lose 10 pounds.
2)  I will go for a walk at lest three times a week.
3)  I will join a gym.

See the difference?  My typical resolutions are vague, e.g., "I'm gonna be a better parent."  I think that may have been my resolution last year...hmmmm.  Anyhow, despite my experience in setting goals and objectives, I never seem to do that with my own personal goals.  Self-sabotage perhaps?! 

Well, I've deemed 2007 the year that I live without regrets.  Does this mean I'm going to bungee jump off a bridge?  No, I don't think so.  I have taken my obligatory moment to reflect on 2006 and have decided that if I were to die tomorrow, I would have lots of regrets about how I spent my time.  I've discussed this in previous posts about balance and the like, but it is time to put some action steps behind these goals.

We'll continue  this discussion in future posts, but in the meantime, I would be curious to know what your biggest regrets are.  Please share!