The Mentor Mom

What's Your Parenting Style: Authoritative?

Happy Friday everyone!  Today we are wrapping up our discussion of parenting styles by talking about the authoritative parenting style.  If you haven't guessed it already from reading about the previously discussed styles (authoritarian, passive and uninvolved), the authoritative parenting style has been shown to have the most positive outcomes long term for children.

But what is the authoritative parenting style you may ask?  Jim Fay and Foster Cline of The Love and Logic Institute refer to this parenting style as consultants.  I actually prefer that label as I think it best describes the overall tone of this style.  Here's a quick overview of the characteristics:

• Parent provides guidance and consultant services to their child, i.e, they help him explore alternatives and then allows him to make his own decision.
• Discussion is encouraged.
• Consultant parents share control with their children. 
• Consultant parents demonstrate how to take care of themselves, e.g., they do not tolerate being yelled at, etc.
• Consultant parents allow natural consequences to do the teaching versus punishment.
• The core of this parenting style is the recognition of individual rights and choices.

Sounds good, right? So, what are the outcomes of the style?  Here are just a few:

• The child of a consultant parent is more likely to become competent, responsible, and independent.
• They are more likely to develop high self-esteem.
• They often demonstrate a greater capability to control aggression.
• Children of consultant parents rate themselves and score on objective measures as being more socially competent than those from the other parenting styles.

OK, let's discuss a couple of these outcomes a little more in depth.  Doesn't it make sense that children of consultant parents would have high self-esteem?  The parents have allowed their children to make choices about things that affect them.  Giving choices sends the message "we know you can handle this" to the child.  If the most important role models in his life believe he can make good decisions, he will be more likely to internalize that belief.

And the point about being more socially competent?  It makes sense since children of consultant parents have had more experience negotiating with their parents which is an important skill that will help them out later in life.

So, have you figured out where you fall on the parent style continuum?  If not, you can go take this parenting style quiz.  While it is important for us to be aware of our parenting style, it is equally important to be aware of our child's temperament.  Being an authoritarian parent with a strong willed child is a recipe for disaster!  In the coming days, we will begin a discussion on child temperament, e.g., what are the different characteristics, what does it mean for you as a parent, and what to do if you and your child's temperament are out of whack.  Until next time people!

What's Your Parenting Style: Uninvolved?

OK, today we are continuing our discussion of parenting styles.  Today we will discuss the uninvolved parenting style.  This style is unfortunately becoming more prevalent as a result of our changing world, e.g., over-scheduled, overworked parents, the impact of technology, etc.  In the extreme, this parenting style can border on neglect.

So what are the characteristics of the uninvolved parenting style?  Here are just a few:

• The parent feels that he has no right to limit a child's behavior
• They are low in their responsiveness or demandingness (remember, these are the two primary traits that determine one's parenting style).
• They show little commitment to providing care for their child.
• They can sometimes be rejecting.
• Parents who resort to this style are often emotionally detached, depressed and/or overwhelmed sometimes because of their own problems or life stressors.
• They provide the bare essentials.

It is no surprise, but children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains. Here are just a few likely outcomes:

• Deficits in attachment
• Deficits in cognition
• Deficits in social and emotional skills
• Probable aggressive and/or acting out behavior.
• Increased incidence of involvement in use of drugs.

I'm afraid most of us know someone who fits the criteria for this parenting style.  In my many years of social work, I have met far too many to count.  This is not to say that parents who revert to this interaction pattern are horrible parents.  My experience has been two-fold:  1) either they don't see that they are uninvolved (e.g., working two jobs to pay the bills, etc.); or 2) they have other issues that are interfering with their ability to provide for their child emotionally (e.g., depression, substance abuse, etc.).  Providing support and encouragement without judgment is the most likely approach to encourage change.  If you or someone you know is struggling with this and want support or more information, please feel free to drop me a line.

OK, time to wrap this one up.  Tomorrow, we will conclude the discussion on parenting style by discussing the authoritative style.  Until then, have a great day!

What's Your Parenting Style: Permissive?

Let's continue our discussion of parenting styles.  Today we are going to discuss the permissive parenting style (a.k.a., the doormat style to some).  Permissive parents allow their children freedom without limits.  These parents often feel that their children are going to face enough limits in the real world as adults so allow them carte blanche in the home.  On the other hand, there are some parents who use this style because they have difficulty limiting their child's behavior for fear of rejection or negative feelings from the child. 

Again, a reminder that most of us fluctuate between the various styles.  Given that, however, parents who are predominately passive in their parenting style may be setting their child up for a difficulties later on.  Here are some of the likely outcomes:

• The children become so accustomed to having their own way, they become frustrated when they cannot have their way outside the home.
• These children often grow up to lack self-control, remain immature in their thinking processes and may become aggressive at home.
• These children are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform poorly in school.

By always protecting them from adversity, parents are depriving them of the chance to learn coping skills.  By not setting appropriate limits, we undermine their character development.  If this is true, how will they handle the challenges of adulthood?

Jim Fay and Foster Cline, authors of Raising Your Children with Love and Logic, describe these parents as "Helicopter Parents."  These parents hover over their children prepared to save them from any difficulties they may encounter, e.g., forgetting to bring their lunch to school, etc.  They believe that when parents swoop in and save the day by bringing the lunch to school parents are robbing their children of valuable lessons.  If the parent is always there to save the day, what will be the child's expectation as an adult?  I highly recommend their book and think it is a must read for all parents.  This is not to say that all will find the theory and techniques to be a good fit, but it never hurts to educated oneself on a variety of options.

Well, that ends todays discussion.  Has any of this information surprised you?  How will you apply this information to your life?  Please share your thoughts...I love feedback as it helps me make sure I am on target!  Next time we will discuss the uninvolved parent.  Until then, I hope you all have a great day.

What's Your Parenting Style: Authoritarian?

I started a discussion in a previous post on parenting styles.  At that time, I mentioned that there are four types: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved.  I am going to discuss each in a separate post to give you time to digest the information. 

Now let me preface this discussion by saying that as parents, most of us will vacillate between at least three of these parenting styles -- authoritarian, authoritative and permissive.  Consider it a continuum with authoritarian on one end and permissive on the other.  Some of us may be at one end most of the time, but occasionally find ourselves in the middle or the opposite end every now and then.

Today, I want to start by discussing the authoritarian parenting style.  OK, OK, it probably isn't as bad as the image above portrays it to be, but this style has some characteristics similar to a dictator:

• These parent command respect.
• They direct the lives of their children.
• They are punishing.
• They offer their children few choices.
• They discourage verbal give and take which is seen as back talk.
• They often resort to yelling or threats to control behavior.

Whew, when it's put into writing it doesn't look so pretty does it?  I only say that because I myself fall into this parenting style more frequently than I care to.  I wouldn't say it is my primary style, rather a "default" on those days when my emotional well has run dry (but that is still no excuse right?).

So what impact does this have on children exposed to a parent or parents who use this as their primary parenting style?  The research has shown some interesting outcomes:

• Children of authoritarian parents may become followers and follow those who do not have their best interests in mind.
• They have low self-esteem and may become aggressive and defiant.
• They tend to have poor social skills.
• They tend to have higher levels of depression.

Let's discuss these points a little further.  Why would these children be more likely to be followers?  By being so directive, limiting choices, and telling their kids what to do all the time, they are sending a message of "You can't think for yourself."  So these kids when faced with peer pressure, drugs and alcohol, etc., have not internalized that they are able to make good choices for themselves and stand up for their best interests.

This, of course, has an impact on self-esteem.  If a parent has sent a message that you can't think for yourself, why would the child ever believe in themselves?  If the most important person in my life doesn't believe in me, who will?

The low self-esteem can affect social skills and is often associated with depression.  I am speculating here, but I am guessing that the reports of poor social skills could stem from these children having little opportunity to negotiate or debate issues with their parent.  Just a thought.

Finally, the tendency for aggression.  I don't know if that one needs much explaining.  I have seen this first hand as a Children's Protective Services worker.  I've met more than my share of "out of control" teens (parents description there, not mine).  I can say that many of these kids were rebelling against an authoritarian parent.  As kids get older, they need to have the opportunity to make choices (scary thought, I know) particularly in the teen years.  It is our job to prepare them for adulthood.  If they haven't been given practice at making choices as a kid, how well do you think they will do as an adult?

OK, that wraps up the discussion of the authoritarian parenting style.  Does it sound familiar?  Please share your thoughts!  We'll discuss the permissive parenting style tomorrow.  Until then!

Linky Love Sunday!

It's Sunday and you know what that means:  Linky Love Sunday!  I apologize for missing last week, but with the holiday and all I didn't have the opportunity to cruise the blogs like I would like :(

On the upside, I have made it a priority this week to check out some of my favorites to share with you.  I've found some fantastic new blogs so I hope you cruise their way and spread the love:

In Candy Crack, Mocha Mom debates the pros and cons of schools removing vending machines.

The Crazy Bloggin' Canuck shares her struggles to prepare for a Labor Day celebration.

Busy Mom discusses a new fashion trend in The Isles of Manpri.

And finally, a new find:  My Kids are Pigs.  Moms vent and comment on their kids inability to pick up after themselves.  I can so relate to this.

Have a great Sunday and we will resume our discussion of parenting styles on Monday.  Until then!

What's Your Parenting Style?

In general, parents vary greatly in their parenting style.  What exactly is parenting style you may ask.  In a nutshell, it is ones overall pattern of parenting interactions. For example, some parents are very laid back giving their children great freedoms while other parents have stringent rules and high expectations for their children. 

There has been a great deal of research on parenting styles.  They looked at positive characteristics in children and then interviewed parents to determine if their were any commonalities in there parenting styles that lead to positive outcomes later in life.  They identified two important ingredients: a) responsiveness and b) behavioral control.  Out of this came the identification of four different parenting styles.  I want to take some time over the next couple of days to discuss in depth the different parenting styles including the impact they have on outcome for our children later in life.  In the meantime, here's a quick overview: 

• Authoritarian.  These parents are highly controlling. They stress obedience to authority and discourage discussion, are demanding and do not encourage give-and-take.
• Authoritative.  These parents set limits and rely on natural consequences for children to learn from making their own mistakes. They are firm, with kindness, warmth and love.
• Permissive.  Parents with this style are accepting and warm but exert little control. They do not set limits and do not demand the high levels of behavior as authoritarian or authoritative parents.
• Uninvolved.  Parents using this style demand little and respond minimally. In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail neglect and rejection.

It is important as parents to be aware of our approach with children. I'm hoping that by discussing this you will learn more about what approach you use most frequently as well as how that approach can affect your children.  Until then, have a great evening!

Aaarrgh! E-mail problems!

Aaarrgh!  I have a love/hate relationship with my computer.  I love the ability to cruise around and keep in touch with people, but I HATE it when I have technical problems!

I've noticed through site meter several out clicks to e-mail me, however, I haven't gotten the e-mails.  Of course I understand that this could be that people changed their minds or hit the "e-mail me" button by mistake.  But, I want to make sure that I am not missing messages from anyone.  I respond to each and every e-mail I receive from yall so if you e-mailed me and never got a response I never got the message. 

I am in the process of trying to rectify this situation and have opened a new e-mail account with a different service.  So, for those of you that may have attempted to contact me but never got a response, I apologize.  Please feel free to contact me at my new address:  [email protected]. 

I want to make sure my new e-mail is working so I need your help.  I'm asking that you send me an e-mail.  It can be about anything or nothing.  Of course, I would love feedback on the blog content, ie, is it helpful, what would you like to see more or less of, etc.  I would also love to get any questions or things you are struggling with as a parent along with your permission to post my answer on my site.  "Anonymous" questions are fine as well.  So please, fill my e-mail box with some love!

Thanks and, again, I apologize for any inconvenience any of you may have experienced in trying to reach me. 

Instilling Respect While Kids are Young

I was reading the Sunday paper this past weekend.  I ALWAYS read the advice columns.  One of my favorites is Focus on the Family by James Dobson.  This past weekend, he received a letter from a reader asking about why it is important to instill respect during the developmental years.  I loved his response and want to share it with you:

Dr. Dobson:  You place great emphasis on instilling respect during the developmental years.  Why is that so important?

Respect is important for several specific reasons.  First, the child's relationship with his parents provides the basis for his attitude toward every other form of authority he will encounter.

It becomes the cornerstone for his later outlook on school officials, law enforcement officers, future employers and the people with whom he will eventually live and work.  Teachers, for example, can tell quickly when a boy or girl has been allowed to be defiant at home because those attitudes are brought into the classroom.

Again, relationships at home are the first and most important social encounters a youngster will have, and the problems experienced there often carry over into adult life.

Second, if you want your child to accept your values when she reaches her teen years, you must be worthy of her respect during her younger days.

When a child can successfully defy your authority during her first fifteen years, laughing in your face and flouting your leadership, she develops a natural contempt for everything you stand for.

"Stupid old mom and dad!" she thinks.  "I've got them wound around my little finger.  Sure they love me, but I think they're afraid of me."

A child may not utter these words, but she feels them each time she wins the confrontation.

Third, and related to the second, respect is critical to share faith.  The child who disdains his mother and father is less likely to emulate them.  If mom and dad are not worthy of respect, then neither are their morals, their country, or convictions.

Amen, Dr. Dobson!

(As posted in the Grand Rapids Press, September 3, 2006.)

A Preschooler No More...

Sorry for the delay in posting folks, but I had a bit of a rough day today.  You see, today was the first day of school here in Michigan.  As if that isn't bad enough (or good enough depending on your perspective I guess), my youngest started kindergarten today.  Sigh. 

Everything went smoothly this morning.  Thing One and Thing Two got up bright and early.  They dressed quickly and without complaint.  Backpacks and lunches were ready to go from the night before.  We had a lovely breakfast as a family. 

Thing One, eager to start third grade, did his best to present a calm, cool and collected front.  You know, he is eight after all.  Thing two, looking cute as can be in her uniform, could barely contain herself.  She has been waiting for this day for a very long time.  So had I, until today actually came. 

We packed the family up and headed to the school.  We were greeted by a giddy mass of neatly dressed kids proudly showing off their new gear.  Thing One was eagerly greeted by friends.  His dad and I chuckled at his newfound aloofness with members of the opposite sex.

Thing Two was bouncing up and down looking in every possible direction.  We said are farewells to Thing One leaving him with a large group of his classmates.  Before parting, I asked if I could give him a kiss and he said he would rather just have a hug!  And so it begins.  Won't be long now before he will be horribly embarrassed by any attempts at public affection.  Sniff, sniff.  Excuse me for a moment while I regain my composure.  Sniff, sniff.  There.  Ahem, all better for the moment. 

We escorted thing two up to the banquet hall for some fresh fruit and juice before walking her down to her classroom.  She walked into that classroom like she owned the place.  She went right to her locker and got busy filling it with her new school supplies, nap blanket and pillow and other goodies.  Her teacher suggested she see if she could find her spot at the table and partake in coloring a picture which she did eagerly.  Engaged in her coloring activity, we knew it was time to go.  We said our farewells and she resumed her activities at the table with her friends. 

Before this day came, I thought that I would be a wreck.  I remember how emotional it was when Thing One started school.  But as we walked out of the classroom, I felt very much at ease.  Her transition went smoothly and I knew she was going to love being in kindergarten.

As we walked to the parking lot, my husband asked if I was going to cry.  As I turned to respond, I saw that in fact HE was the one with watery eyes!  In my haste to process my own feelings about her starting kindergarten, I hadn't taken much time to consider how this might impact him.  The bond he has with our daughter is incredible.  She adores him and he adores her.  A smile and a giggle will easily get her anything she wants from him (despite my protests). 

We take the time as parents to discuss important issues (or at least I hope we do) such as discipline, mealtimes, behavior, morals, etc.  But I think we forget sometimes to talk with our partners about the experience and related emotion of watching our children grow.  Recognizing my husband's feelings about our daughter starting school reaffirmed to me what a wonderfully loving and caring father he is and how fortunate our kids (and me!) are to have him.

To all the parents out there who sent their kids back to school today, take a time out today to talk to your partner.  Discuss the experience of watching your children grow.  It just may serve as a reminder of some personal qualities that are often overlooked are too often. 

PS:  For those of you wondering why it was a rough day for me, my emotions about her starting school caught up with me when she came home!

Encouraging Reading

I love reading.  There was time when I didn't.  You know, after you graduate from college and decide you never want to read another book as long as you live.  Enough years have passed, however, that I have renewed my passion for reading both for education and for enjoyment.

I am fortunate as well that our son loves to read.  He has, however, inherited one of my horrible reading habits...he is a multi-book reader.  Like his mother, he starts MANY books and finishes few. 

Now I know that there are some avid readers out there that can read several books at a time without incident.  Good for you I say.  The problem my son and I have is that we don't FINISH.  It is one thing to start a book and figure out it sucks, but when you read something that is good and never finish it despite your best intentions to do so, well, I find that to be a problem.

In my son's case, he is always wanting to add books to his extensive library.  However, he has many books on his shelf that he never finished and some that he never started.  I've pointed this out to him, however, he doesn't see it as a problem.  So why should I?  I don't know why, but I do.  Maybe it's because I personally feel like my unfinished books are unfinished business and want to finish what I started.

So, I was reading a magazine the other day and found a great suggestion to encourage kids to finish books (please note, I read so many parenting magazines that I have no idea which one this was in, so if anyone out there wrote this suggestion, please let me know so I can give you the appropriate accreditation).  Here's what you'll need:

• Construction paper
• Glue stick
• Markers or crayons
• Scissors

You or your child can cut the construction paper into strips and put them in a container.  Each time your child finishes a book, write the title of the book on a strip with the date completed.  Start a paper chain of completed books!  I thought that was such a neat idea.  My son will love the idea as he is big on visual reminders of personal accomplishments. 

We already have all the necessary materials in our creation station, so I plan to have them cut the strips up today and we will put those in a separate container. 

Seeing as my daughter starts kindergarten tomorrow and will be learning to read soon, I'm hopeful this strategy will encourage her to finish books as well.  I'll let you know how it all works out.

Do you face a similar situation?  What tricks or tips have you implemented to address this problem?  I'd love to hear from ya!