The Mentor Mom

Chores: To pay or not to pay?

Yesterday, I shared my own personal attempt at getting my kids to do their chores by using a "to do" list.  I can happily report so far so good (although it has only been one day!). 

A question that I often get from parents is whether to pay children for chores or not.  There really is no right or wrong answer here.  As parents, we have to do what works.  Some families have systems in place where children are rewarded with money and it works.  Again, do what works.

We have a different spin on chores in our household.  We don't give rewards for completion of daily chores as we want our kids to understand that there are some things that just have to be done and there is no reward other than the feelings of a job well done.  We feel that this is in keeping with the experiences they will have in the real world and we want to prepare them as best we can for that. 

We do, however, give a weekly allowance.  They get .25 per day for $1.75 per week.  Here's the catch, if they don't do their chores it usually means someone else had to and they have to pay whoever did them (usually me).  If I didn't want to clean my house, I could hire someone else to come in and do it.  Same theory.  So I earn 25 cents when I complete their unfinished chores (of course this doesn't include their homework or piano :)  This system has worked well for our family over the years. 

In addition, the kids pitch in and do extra chores.  They earn .25 each and use the opportunity to earn extra money when they are saving to purchase something.  They have figured out at an early age that if they want something, they have to work for it.  We hope this translates into success as adults. 

What are your thoughts on paying kids for chores?  Do you give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down?

Chore Charts

In an earlier post, I talked about the value of chores.   Yeah, they build self-esteem, make children feel like they are contributing to the family, yada, yada, yada.  The big question is how do we get them to actually do them?   

Let me be honest with you, I personally am not a fan of charts, stickers, and the like.  Before all of you who are fans start getting riled up, let me clarify.  You see I really like making charts.  Cutting and pasting clip art and the like.  I really enjoy it.  But, I personally find it VERY difficult to stick incentive programs.  We tried it with potty training.  Didn't work.  We've tried it with chores.  It worked...when I stuck with it.  Those of you who can stick with incentive programs, stickers and the like my hats off to you.  I could use your tips on how you make it work :) 

My kids are pretty good about doing their chores.  Now that they have them down, we are working on getting them to do them without constant reminding.  So we are back to the chore charts. 

I've made the new ones a little differently than past charts.  These are more like "to do" lists...saying that out loud, I should have titled them as such.  I've broken down their "to dos" into morning, afternoon (after school) and evening.  I have found that my kids are highly motivated by "snacks" so we've decided (with the kids) that in order to get an afternoon snack, they first have to do their chores.  It has worked so far!

Because Thing Two is in kindergarten and is not yet reading, we've put pictures on her chore chart as easy to read visual cues.  We've personalized each chart to reflect their age.  Think One wanted cursive (I'm guessing because he is learning it in third grade).  Thing Two wanted something that looked more like her emerging print.  I inserted a photo of each on their chart. 

There is nothing new or unexpected on their charts.  The kids had input on their chores.  They actually argued over who got to feed the dogs!  And because I sometimes run low on energy, the kids have an opportunity to help me refuel by doing any of the "extra" chores around the house which are listed on a separate chart.  I don't know about you, but I sure have more energy to do fun stuff when my chores are done.  They can also do the extra chores as a way to some money.  We do 25 cents for each extra chore. 

We don't pay for the kids to do their regular chores, but we do pay for the extras.  I was floored to see how excited my daughter got when I bought one of those toilet brushes with the disposable heads.  She absolutely wants to be the one to clean the toilets (huh?), so we went out and bought her a little pair of rubber cleaning gloves.

We had the chart laminated at the local office supply store (only about $2) and purchased some magnetic strips so we could hang them on the frig.  We already have a dry erase pen that hangs on the frig that they can use to check off their to dos each day. 

If I knew how, I would make the chore charts I made into pdf files that you could download if interested in trying them with your own kids.  But seeing as I am not that computer savvy, you will have to e-mail me at [email protected] and I can send them to you as an attachment.

We're going to give this new system a try.  I may need you guys to keep me on track.  I'm going to try to report on our progress with this newest system in about a month.  I'm optimistic that I can stick with it this time.  This system is pretty easy and doesn't require much on my part.  I'm hoping the charts can serve as more of a visual reminder for the kids since the auditory reminders (ie, my nagging voice) have not proved consistently effective.

Do your kids do chores and if so, how do you keep them on track?  What tips do you have for me and others who struggle with chores?  Share your stories people!  Next time we will talk about the debate over whether to pay kids to do their chores.  Until next time!

How do I know that I'm making the right choice for my kids?

That's a pretty broad question, isn't it?  This was actually posed to me by a friend the other day.  My answer?  You don't.  It is impossible to know with 100% accuracy what the outcomes of our parenting choices will be. I should clarify that we were discussing the BIG choices, i.e., church, school, etc. 

As parents, we make choices for our children that we believe are going to be in their best interest.  Our own experiences as children often have a big impact on the choices we make.  If we grew up going to church, we are more likely to make that a part of our child's life and so on.  In some cases, we want to do the OPPOSITE of what we experienced growing up. 

So when making choices that involve our children, there are some simple questions to we can ask ourselves to help flush out the best fit:

• What are the pros and cons?
• What is the desired outcome?
• Which choice feels right?

Don't underestimate your gut feelings or intuition.  In my friend's case, it was clear in talking with her that she knew what choice she wanted to make about her situation.  She weighed out her own experiences from her own childhood and discussed the desired outcomes for her children and finally examined the pros and cons.  In the end, I think she was at peace about her decision.

Have you had similar thoughts or feelings about some of your parenting choices? 

Woohoo! Check it out!

Looky, looky folks!  I've finally grown up and gotten my blog redesigned!  No more boring colors.  No more stark white background.  Gone is the barely noticeable pink lettering.  Adios!  Auf Wiedersehen.  Itte kimasu.  Ciao.  Don't let the door hit you in the...well, you know what I mean.

Of course, I can not take credit for the re-design as I am completely computer illiterate when it comes to such matters.  I was fortunate to secure the services of the fabulous Izzy of Designs by Izzy.  Many of you may be familiar with her little logo (see the sidebar) as she is responsible for many of the brilliant and creative blog designs out there.  Thank you Izzy for your wonderful work and for those of you considering a redesign of your site, you MUST check her out!

The redesign couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.  Working for a school system by day, fall is like the beginning of a new year.  My creative juices are flowing.  I am ready to start new and big projects.  My energy level is high and I am eager to put the pedal to the metal and kick out some stuff that is going to enlighten, engage and empower you as a parent.

But, I need your help.  What are your most pressing concerns?  What is the thing that you struggle with the most?  Is it getting your partner on the same page with you?  Or maybe it is bedtime battles.  Or maybe it is how to juggle work, kids, a hubby and still have time for yourself.  Think about it and post what comes to mind. 

Game Night

I'm always looking for ways to spend quality time together as a family.  I remember as a kid playing dominoes and other games once a week with my family.  It was a great bonding time. 

What with winter coming and all of the rain this past weekend, I decided it was time to have our own family game night.  Don't get me wrong, we do things together as a family, i.e., meals, movie night, breakfast at the coffee shop, etc., but things have gotten a little "routine" to say the least.

So I decided to update our board game collection.  Oh we have the standards, i.e., Candyland, Jenga and Chutes and Ladders (is it just me or does that game take waaaaaay tooooo loooonnggg to play?).  Given the ages of my kids (5 and 8), I picked up Monopoloy Jr., some Spongebob playing cards, a Dr. Seuss card game and finally, the Spongebob version of the Game of Life (which was one of my favorites as a kid).

The kids were so excited to see the new collection and quickly chose the Spongebob Game of Life for the evening activity.  After dinner, we set the board game up, popped some popcorn and went over the very complex rules.  With some trepidation on my part about whether Thing Two would be able to tolerate a game with so many rules and complex topics (buying a house, paying rent, etc.), we got started.

My husband and I were amazed.  Thing One was ALL over this game and Thing Two had no difficulty following the rules and understanding the concepts (with a little bit of help) despite the game being for children ages 7 and up.  I thought about how much they were learning:

• Do I go to college or get right into a career?
• Do I buy the cool house or the one that costs less?
• Do I choose to be an ice cream vendor with a salary of $300 or a detective with a salary of $600
• Do I do the raffle given the possibility that I may lose my hard earned money?

As the game went on, I watched Thing Two carefully counting her money and weighing out her choices.  Thing Two was conspiring on how he could get the most $1,000 bills.  It was fantastic.  The kids were still talking about the game this morning and begging to play it again.  I'd say game night was a hit.

Do you do a game night?  What fun activities or rituals do you do to connect with your kids?

I need help people!

Do you ever feel like you have to do and be everything for everybody?  I can hear the resounding "yes" from most of the moms out there.  My voice is included in the mix. 

About a week ago, I reached my limit.  Most of you know that I work full time in addition to running my business as The Mentor Mom.  The nature of my day job requires that I work long days so I often don't get home until right at dinner time.

I don't know about you, but there is nothing better (insert heavy dose of sarcasm) than coming home only to be greeted with the dreaded "what's for dinner?" question.  I am not a big fan of cooking and I believe my unconscious resentment of having to be the one responsible for dinner every day has resulted in my failure to plan meals and grocery shop.  Don't get me wrong, there is food in the house and I do feed my children, however, we never seem to have all the necessary ingredients to prepare a quick meal.

I've tried the thirty day cooking and am a big fan, however, I keep putting off planning for the next session despite the encouragement of my mother (sorry mom).  While my husband and I enjoyed most of the meals the last time, my kids did not which really didn't encourage my desire to plan and prepare meals.  My kids prefer foods that don't have sauces and the like on them.  We can rule out any meal that involves a can of mushroom soup in our household so casseroles and the like are out of the question.  (If you have any non-casserole freezer meals, please send them to me!!!)

And for the record, I don't mind cooking on days when I have more time.  It is those days when I am walking in the house at 5:30 and am expected to make dinner that burn my britches.  I mean I don't want us to be eating dinner at 7:00 p.m.!  I'm ready to start winding down at that time.

So last week, I was having one of my typical days.  I got home around 5:00 p.m., changed my clothes, started a load of wash, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, picked up toys and newspapers, read the notes from schools and put my husband's collection of shoes away.  Pretty standard for a weeknight.  I was then faced with meal preparation.  I opted for take out so ran out to our favorite taco spot and picked up some Mexican fare, came home, set the table and called the family in.  They ate happily while I threw another load in the wash. 

When I was finally able to join them (this is not a regular occurrence I might add as I don't let housework interfere with my presence at the dinner table), I realized that they were all happy and relaxed enjoying their meal and discussion of their day.  I decided to plead my case:

"Guys, I need to talk to you about something.  I need your help.  I have noticed that everyone is relaxed and happy at night having fun and playing games.  I want to have fun too, but I have all these things that need to be done that take my time and energy.  I'm begging you, can you help me?  What can you all do to help me?"

The collective response from my husband and children:

Blink.  Blink.   Blink.   

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. (the sound of crickets)

I was underwhelmed by their response to say the least.  My husband attempted to rally the troops and got them to verbally commit to helping more.  While I appreciated his efforts, I am more motivated by actions than by words when it comes to household matters.  Later after the kids were in bed, I brought up the topic again.  After much discussion, we were able to negotiate shared responsibility with meal preparation.  I will be responsible for meals Friday through Sunday.  He will take Monday, Wednesday and Thursday and Tuesdays will be take out since the kids have piano lessons and we are on the go. 

I must say, that negotiating this arrangement has increased my mood and energy level.  It may not sound like much to some, but this means a lot to me.  As mom's, we all have certain things we dread doing and would like help with.  For one it may be laundry, for another it may be grocery shopping.  We can't, nor should we, do it all. 

What things do you want help with?  Or better yet, have you already negotiated with your significant other for help with something?  Let's help each other out moms by sharing what has worked for each of us.  It may inspire an overwhelmed mom out there to ask for some much needed help!

The Relationship Between Parenting Style and Child Temperament

Over the last week, we have discussed parenting style as well as child temperament.  Let's now talk about the interplay between these two things.  If a parent's style does not fit with their child's temperament, it can:

• interfere with the development of a positive relationship between the parent and child 
• lead to a parent feeling resentful or anxious around their child
• cause a parent to become distant
• cause a child to start withdrawing
• cause a child to rebel
• lead to a parent giving up (has anyone out there seen Supernanny!)

I started the discussion on this topic because it is important for us to do a self-inventory as a parent.  We cannot change what we don't acknowledge (is that a Dr. Phil line?).  I mean let's face it, we cannot change our child's temperament.  It is what it is.  We can, however, change the way we parent.  I am not saying that it is easy!  It is REALLY hard!  I know, I've had to do it myself.  But with practice, patience and determination, it can be done.

The most problematic relationship is usually the authoritarian parent with a difficult child. Oil and water.  Makes sense doesn't it?  Both are vying for power which leads to a never ending power struggle.  It is important for the authoritarian parent to recognize this and be willing to move to a more consultant like approach with a difficult child.  They are much more responsive to this type of parenting approach.  On the other extreme, a difficult child will likely walk all over a permissive parent.  Somewhere in the middle works best with this temperament.  In general, the consultant parent is a good fit with each of these temperaments. 

Short, brief and to the point I was today!  I'm hoping that you have started considering the interplay between these two dynamics in your home.  I'd love to field any questions you may have on the subject.  Drop me a line (my e-mail is fixed...yippee!) on your specific situation.  I look forward to hearing from you :)

The three basic types of temperament.

Back to our discussion on child temperament.  Last time we talked about nine temperament traits, again based on the research of Chess and Thomas.  As I mentioned last time, the nine traits mentioned in the last post combine to form three basic types of temperaments.  Let's get to them shall we?

The first type is the easy or flexible child.  Approximately 40% of children fall into this category.  These children are generally calm, happy, regular in their sleep and eating habits and do not get upset easily.  They are also very adaptable.  All right, who are the lucky parents out there with one of these kids?!  Ahem, sorry.  Where was I?  Oh yes, despite these children being easy in nature, it is important for parents to set aside special times to talk about the child's frustrations and hurts because he won't demand or ask for it.  This intentional communication is necessary to find out what these kids are thinking and saying.

The next group are the difficult, active or feisty children which comprise approximately 10% of children. I must say that this number seems quite low based on all the parents I have met over the years who have described their children as "difficult."  These children are often fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits, and fearful of new people and situations.  They are easily upset by noise and commotion, high strung and intense in their reactions. 

What is a parent to do with a child like this?!  Wear them out!  Well, this can work some of the time at least.  Providing areas for vigorous play to work of stored up energy can do wonder for these kids.  When kids are fidgeting and the like, telling them to sit still is useless...they can't.  Their body is telling them they need movement.  My son was (and still is to some degree) that way.  When he was younger, we would send him out to run laps around the yard if he had the wiggles or was upset/frustrated.  In retrospect, the neighbors probably wondered what was going on, but it really did help.  The physical activity and bilateral movement of running oxygenates (is that a word?) and gets the two sides of the brain communicating.  When he would come in, he would be in a much better place to be able to discuss his frustration or to get him to finish a task such as homework.  Other things that can help include giving them lots of choices throughout the day and preparing them for transitions.  Being the parent of one of these "feisty" kids, I could write on endlessly about what has and hasn't worked for us.

The final group are slow to warm up or cautious kids.  About 15% of children fall into this category.  These children are relatively inactive and fussy.  They tend to withdraw or to react negatively to new situations, but their reactions gradually become more positive with continuous exposure.  I've worked with MANY children like this over the years.  These children can be frustrating for parents as well because they are often clingy.  They prefer to stay by the parents side rather than exploring or engaging in play with peers.  These kids often have a more difficult time transitioning into preschool or kindergarten.  Sticking to a routine is important for them.  It makes them feel safe.  It's also important to stick to your word, e.g., if you say you are going to be right back, then you better be RIGHT BACK.  And finally, be patient and allow them ample time to to establish relationships in new situations.  Rushing a slow to warm child to engage before he or she is ready usually backfires horribly.

That's it!  You have had a quick study in child temperament.  I hope you found the information interesting, but more importantly I hope it gave you some insight allowing you to understand your child a little better.  Next time we will discuss the interplay between child temperament and parenting style.  See ya then!

Child Temperament: The Nine Traits

We are going to continue our discussion of temperament by discussing the nine traits identified by researchers Chess and Thomas.  Most of these are self-explanatory so I haven't described them in much depth but rather posed questions to help you determine how this trait fits your child.  I like to consider each of these traits as a continuum with most children falling in the middle and some scattered to either end.  It's late, so I hope that makes sense!  Let's get to it.  Here they are:

• Activity. Is your child always moving and doing something or does he have a more relaxed style? 
• Rhythmicity.  Is your child regular in his or her eating and sleeping habits or somewhat haphazard?  Some kids run like clockwork and others just don't seem to have any rhyme or reason.  I find that my kids can be very regular regarding somethings (like what time they get up) and irregular about others (like what time they go to bed).
• Approach/withdrawal.  Does your child approach unfamiliar people and places without inhibition or tend to shy away from new people or things? 
• Adaptability.  Does your child adjust to changes in routines or plans easily or does he or she resist transitions? 
• Intensity.  Does he react strongly to situations, either positive or negative, or does he react calmly and quietly?
• Mood.  Does your child often express a negative outlook or is he generally a positive person.  Does his mood shift frequently or is he usually even tempered?
• Persistence and Attention Span.  Does he give up as soon as a problem arises with a task or does he keep trying?  Can he stick with an activity for a long time or does his mind tend to wander?
• Distractibility.  Is he easily distracted from what he is doing or can he shut out external distractions and stay with the current activity?
• Sensory Threshold.  Is he bothered by external stimuli such as loud noises, bright lights or food textures or does he tend to ignore them?

These traits combine to form three basic types of temperaments.  Approximately 65 percent of all children fit one of these three patterns.  The other 35 percent of children are a combination of these patterns. By understanding these patterns, parents can tailor their parenting approach in such areas as expectations, encouragement and discipline to suit the child's unique needs.  See how our previous discussion on parenting style fits?

More on the three basic temperament types next time!

Child Temperament: The Basics.

Over the last week, we have been discussing parenting styles.  While it is important to be aware of your parenting style, it is equally important to be aware of your child's temperament. 

But what is child temperament?  When we think of temperament, most of us think about strong willed children, laid back children and similar descriptors.  In fact, there are nine traits that make up temperament.  Research on child temperament began in the 1950s with the work of Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess.  The researches found that these traits were present at birth and continued to influence a child's development throughout life.

In a nutshell, temperament is a set of in-born traits that organize a child's approach to the world.  They are instrumental in the development of the child's distinct personality.  These traits also determine how the child goes about learning about the world around him.

The key here is to remember that these traits are inborn.  We can't change them (as much as we would like to)!  Problems arise when a parents overall parenting style and their child's temperament clash.  I'm hoping that by discussing both topics in more detail (for those of you who missed it, check out the September archives for the posts regarding parenting style) you will walk away with a greater understanding of the interplay between the two.

We will discuss the nine temperament traits in the near future.  Until then, have a great weekend all!