Don't be so quick to judge.

Have you ever gone to a playgroup or the play area at the mall and seen a small child push another?  How about a toddler who screams and screams when his parents attempt to get him to sit rather than stand on the slide or to move so another child can take a turn?  Maybe you've seen a little one who runs out of the play area only to scream like a banshee every time his parents try to return him.

What thoughts go through your mind when you see this?  That child is out of control.  I would never let my child act that way in public.  Why don't the parents do something.  What is wrong with them?!

Have you ever seen a parent chastise another parent because of their child's behavior in public?  Have you ever done this yourself?

Some parents are quick to judge others parenting skills.  Admit it, we all do it to some extent.  Maybe we don't say it out loud, but we sometimes think it.

Well, here is something for you to consider the next time you see an out of control child in public -- maybe the child is special needs.    I work with many special needs children who display the behaviors described above.  Some may have autism or perhaps sensory integration disorder.  Whatever the diagnosis, these behaviors are not atypical.

As an interventionist, I hear too many reports from the families I work with about being confronted in public by a parent about their child's behavior.  Unfortunately, this is not always done in an appropriate manner.  The critics are often condescending and judgmental. 

What a horrible experience for these parents to have to endure!  To have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of learning that your child has a developmental delay is heartbreaking and anxiety provoking enough.  Add to that insensitive comments from strangers about your inability to control your child!  My heart breaks every time I hear one of these stories.

Now I don't want anyone out there to feel that I am chastising them.  That is certainly not the intent of this post.  Rather, I want to get you thinking.  It is easy to make judgments about others, but how fair is it if we do not consider all the situational factors?  Just keep in mind that there might be more going on than meets the eye the next time you see an out of control child.

I'd love to hear from you.  Have you encountered this situation in public?  Do you have a special needs child or a relative with a special needs child?  Have they encountered this?  Post your thoughts and comments.

Comments

[The Pajama Mama]

I've been on both ends of this. I have occasionally been harsh regarding the thoughts that cross my mind about someone else's child, but I always think (in the back of my mind) I don't KNOW that child. I don't KNOW what he/she has been through. I don't KNOW why he/she acts like that and there COULD BE a good reason. I try not to be judgemental.

I have been thankful that I have not yet run into people being critical of my children. I think more and more people KNOW about Down syndrome and are less quick to jump on it. DramaChild is only mildly delayed, so that may be another reason we've avoided this.

I'm sure it will happen some day...but certainly not by anyone who has read THIS post! Thank you!

[Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom]

So glad to hear that you have not experienced this! Let's hope that all parents think before they speak :) Thanks for swinging by my blog!

[mothergoosemouse]

Jill, this is a great post. I will forward it to my friend Kari - karianna.clubmom.com - who is parenting a child who's been diagnosed on the autism spectrum.

Thanks for visiting me too!

[Kari]

Unfortunately, I have been in that boat more than I'd care to recall.

My child has been called a brat, I've been confronted by very large dads who I am afraid might hit me, and I have been excluded from playgroups.

It isn't just a negative experience that happens for a moment on an afternoon. Rather, it can be a lasting snub.

The child isn't the only pariah: the parent(s) are banned, too.

It is tough because when a child has "different" needs, the parents need support (or at least understanding) so that they can approach the child's particular concerns in a way that is effective and acceptable to society.

However, usually the opposite happens: the parents are shunned alongside the child.

My experiences have helped me to be less critical of other parents when their children are acting out, but I admit I am skeptical when a parent provides “excuses” for every facet of the child’s behavior.

I believe in understanding and accountability in equal measure.

[Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom]

Thanks for sharing your personal story and I agree that this affects not just the child, but the parent as well.

[Michele]

I have an 8 year old who is living with autism.In the summer he tends to regress quite a bit, he is going back next week & I know things will get better.But,As I commented on karianna.clubmom.com blog.My son recently had a huge meltdown at the mall & people stood around us while he was on the floor looking at us like we were animals at the zoo! I'll spare you all the details.
But some made suggestions & some were just plain rude -but it was very hard to address any of them while I'm trying pick him up off the floor & running through the mall after my son.(Of course, there's always the part later,where I totally regret having no comeback for them)
I just think as parents we really need to respect each other & not pass judgement or make rude comments about a child's behaviour situation that they may know nothing about-(a lot of times peple just think my son is being a brat)
Instead offer a helping hand if you see it's needed or even a smile..
This has happen to me a few times now & I get very emotional when he has meltdowns in public places, I can't stand the nervousness or weakness I feel inside & having other people speak their minds in the midst of it all doesn't really help the situation.
Thanks for such a great post!
Take care!
:)

[rachel]

Funny - I just wrote a post on this recently on my own blog. the "hidden" disabilities are hard.

My oldest (8yo) has some challenges (SID, NVLD, learning disorders), and I've got Fibromyalgia. We get a lot of funny looks, but thankfully not a lot of people saying things to us. I know people think I should do more at the park with my 2.5yo and that I shouldn't intervene so fast with my 8yo, but I've stopped caring what random strangers think.

Reading the other comments I'm very grateful our friends have stood by us and helped us.

I wish all interventionists were as supportive as you - we managed to get an evaluator who blamed my daughter's issues on my parenting (no matter that I have 2 NT kiddos).