The Mentor Mom

Poverty and brain development...

Here is an interesting article on some current research on how poverty affects the brains of children.  This seems like a timely topic given the current economic situation in this country.  What are your thoughts on this topic?  

More research on the negative effects of television...

More research on the negative effects of television on young children.  You can check it out here.   It's a must read. 

Post your thoughts and comments below.  I'm always interested to hear from parents on the topic of media.

Separation Anxiety: What it is and tips to help.

Separation anxiety can be a source of frustration and pain for both parents and their children. Many of us feel horribly guilty when we leave our child with a caretaker only to have them scream and call out for us to return. I don't know about you, but I've driven away from my daycare provider’s house many times in tears because of the guilt I felt for leaving my kids!                           

While it can be guilt inducing, it is important for us to keep in mind that separation anxiety is a normal part of our child’s development. It actually is a good thing in that it is a clear sign that our child has formed a healthy attachment with us.    Before I go further, however, I do want to say that not all children experience separation anxiety. This in no way means that a child who does not experience separation anxiety is any less attached to his parent. My son, for example, never experienced it. I attribute this to his temperament and personality. He was never fearful of strangers and has always been very independent. My daughter, on the other hand, was very clingy and had difficulty with separation. So sometimes the explanation can be as simple as temperament or personality. Having said that, here are some common questions about separation anxiety:   

What causes it?

• Separation anxiety is the result of your child’s growing cognitive and social emotional development. Between 4 and 7 months of age, your baby starts to develop the cognitive skill of object permanence. This is when your baby begins to learn that things and people exist even when they are out of sight. So when you step out of the room, your baby realizes you are gone but does not yet understand that you will return causing anxiety and fear.
• If you think about it from an evolutionary framework, it makes sense that many children experience separation anxiety. As your child’s parent, you protect and care for him so it is natural that he become distraught when separated from you.
     

When should I expect it and how long does it last?

• Separation anxiety usually occurs between the ages of 8 months to 1 year. This is when children become more mobile and start to explore their world on their own. Despite this, however, they feel uncertain about being away from you. You’ve probably noticed that while your baby explores, he looks back to see that you are still there.
• Although it usually occurs between 8 months to 1 year, some children experience separation anxiety later (18 months and 2 ½ years of age) while some children never experience it at all (which remember is okay!).
• If separation anxiety interferes with an older child’s normal activities like going to school, attending friend’s birthday parties or the like, it can be a sign of a deeper anxiety disorder (see http://www.worrywisekids.org/anxiety/sad.html for more info).
• In cases where separation anxiety appears out of the blue in an older child, it can be an indication of another problem that the child may be dealing with such as bullying or abuse.
• Keep in mind too that certain life stresses can triggers feelings of anxiety about being separated from a parent, such as a new childcare situation, a new sibling, moving to a new place or tension in the home.
• Some babies may even experience night time separation anxiety, i.e., missing you while they are in their crib. More on how to deal with this below.
• Remember that this is a phase that will pass. Most children outgrow separation anxiety by the age of 5 and are able to experience time away from you and your home without any problems.  

 

What can I do to make it easier for my child?

 

• Now that you know that separation anxiety usually occurs between 8 months to a year, consider holding off on hiring a new sitter or daycare provider during that time if possible.
• Ask a new sitter to visit and play with your baby several times before leaving them alone for the first time. For your first real outing, ask the sitter to arrive about 30 minutes before you depart so that she and the baby can be well engaged before you step out the door. Employ the same approach at a daycare center, nursery, church, etc.
• Create a goodbye ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure him or her that you’ll be back and explain how long it will be until you return using concepts your child will understand (such as after lunch) because your child can’t yet understand time. 
     
• Make sure that you return when you have promised to return. This is important as you want your child to develop the confidence that he or she can make it through this time. In order to do this, they need to see that you will be there when you say you will be there.
     
• Avoid repeated trips back into the house or daycare center or prolonged goodbyes. This makes it harder on you, your baby and the caregiver.
     
• Children are quick to pick up on our emotions, so exude confidence in your caretaker and your child’s ability to handle the situation. If you get upset, so will your baby! Try to keep your composure in front of your child. It is okay to cry in the car! 
     
• Finally, if your child refuses to go to a certain babysitter or day care center or shows signs of anxiety such as trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, then there could be a problem with the child care situation. Trust your gut.   

How do I handle nighttime separation anxiety? 

• Spend some extra cuddle time with your baby before bed by reading, snuggling and softly singing together.
     
• If your baby cries for you after you’ve put him to bed, it is fine to go to him – both to reassure him and to reassure yourself that he’s okay. But make your visits brief and boring so he will learn to fall back to sleep without a lot of help from you. Eventually, he’ll be able to fall asleep on his own.   

How can I help my older child? 

 

• Listen to your child’s feelings. Let your child know that you understand his feelings and reassure him that you’ll return. A statement such as “I know you’re feeling sad. I’ll miss you too” is more helpful than telling a child that he’s making a fuss over nothing.
     
• Read stories, role-play and remind your child of successes. Read books that discuss separation anxiety. Talk with your child about times when she was brave or did something independently.
     
• Honor all commitments to your child, especially time commitments. Be especially attentive to picking up a child at the specified time or returning home when stated. Look for other ways to make and honor commitments, even small ones, to build trust and security.
     
• Plan and talk about enjoyable activities in advance. Help your child prepare to be away and anticipate positive outcomes. Let your child know you can be reached if necessary.  

 

What if nothing seems to work?  

• Take a second look at your sitter or daycare. The person or center may be a mismatch for your baby if he continues to become anxious and weepy when you leave.
     
• Leave your baby with a relative or someone he knows well for 15 minute periods working your way up to one hour. Your baby can learn that when you leave you’ll return without having the added stress of being with someone unfamiliar.
     
• Re-evaluate your goodbye pattern. Do you sneak out when your baby isn’t looking? Do you make it seem like you are leaving and never coming back?  Do you slowly back down the walk waving a crying?  

 

Resources on Separation Anxiety:   There are some great books out there on the subject. Reading them to your child can be a great way to address their anxiety. Here are just a few:   

• The Good-Bye Book by Judith Viorst
     
• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn (my personal favorite!)
     
• Even If I Spill My Milk? By Anita Grossnickle Hines
     
• Benjamin Comes Back by Amy Brandt
     
• Mama Will Be Home Soon by Nancy Minchella and Keiko Narahashi
     
• I Love You All Day Long by Francesca Rusackas   

Grown-ups might find Helping Your Child Overcome Separation Anxiety or School Refusal: A Step-by-Step Guide For Parents by Andrew R. Eisen, Linda B. Engler, Joshua Sparrow a helpful resource as well.   

Another great resource is Nine Parent Tested Ways to Ease Separation Anxietyfrom http://www.scholastic.com. This tip sheet offers ideas that have helped other parents ease separation anxiety with their kids. They have some great suggestions.   

Another lengthy article, I know, but important information for those parents dealing with this issue. I hope that the tips and resources will help those going through this with their child find ways to cope and understand this normal part of their child’s development. Hang in there and remember, this too shall pass!    

Sources: http://www.worrywisekids.org/anxiety/sad.html;http://www.parentwatch.com/content/display.asp?c=c_0176 ;www.kidshealth.org. 

Originally posted on www.minti.com August 2006. 

Learning Tip 4: Take a deep breathe

Continuing our series on tips to enhance optimal learning, the next is as clear as the nose on your face.  Sorry, being witty is obviously not my forte.  Learning tip number for is to take some deep breaths. 

Most of us grown ups have been told at some point in time to take deep breathes when we are upset as a way to calm down.  Have you ever wondered why?  What is it about deep breathing that calms us down and how can that enhance learning?  Lucky for me, someone else has done a great job of listing the benefits of this.  Check out the whys and hows of deep breathing here.

So how can we use this with our kids?  In the preschool classroom, we often have the kids practice some deep breathing with us, particularly when they are inattentive, fidgety, etc.  But how, you may be asking, do you teach deep breathing to very young children?  We use lots of visual cues.  For example, when we are breathing in we keep our finger on our nose while we as staff count to four slowly.  When we breathe out, we take our flat palm, place it on our mouth and move it away as we blow out the air for four counts.  We will repeat the process about three of four times.  It is amazing how quickly the kids picked up on this!

So, the next time your kids sit down to do their homework or if they get stuck on a question, have them do some deep breathing then let them resume the task.  If they are successful and able to move past the problem or question that got them stuck, point it out later.  Help them to see that this is a technique that they can use while taking a test or exam or to prepare before a presentation or performance in front of the class.  You are giving them yet one more tool to put in the coping skills toolbox!

Do your kids know about deep breathing?  Have you done this with your family?  Post your observations!

Learning Tip Number 3: Get up and move!

Back to the learning tips (finally!).  Thank you all for your patience while me and the kiddos recover from this nasty virus.  We are not quite at 100%, but are feeling MUCH better :)

Okay, so regular readers won't be surprised to hear from me that the next learning tip is to get the kids up and moving!  Many parents are surprised by this one for some reason.  There are a couple of reasons why movement is beneficial to learning:

• When we exercise, the body releases endorphins which are natural chemicals that help relieve stress and make us feel good.
• Exercise increases blood flow to the brain which in turn helps with cognition.
• Physical exercise prompts new brain cells to multiply, strengthens their connections and protects them from harm.

I can't stress enough how helpful getting our kids up and moving can help them do better at school and learning activities.  Why then do so many schools limit recess!!  This is one of my major complaints about the school system.  Of course as a public school employee myself, I understand why physical education and recess end up so low on the totem pole (thank you very much no child left behind).  Despite this, however, we need to advocate for our children to ensure that they have regular periods of physical activity throughout the day. 

Okay, I'll get off my soap box on this one as I feel that I may be preaching to the choir here (yes, that is a compliment to all of you my well informed and knowledgeable readers!).  So, how can you make movement work for your kid?  Here are some tips:

• Try to get them outside or involved in some sort of physical activity at least twice a day, e.g., once in the morning, once in the afternoon/evening.  I know this can be hard to do during the winter months, so take advantage of those play areas at the mall.  Or, many gymnastics studios offer an open gym period where for a small fee your child can run, jump and work all those wiggles out for an hour. 
• Get them moving before periods where they are going to need to concentrate, e.g., get them out running around the yard or riding their bikes for fifteen minutes or so before they sit down to do their homework. 
• Incorporate some movement before your wind down process in the evening, e.g., get them out doing something physical for as long as possible after dinner.  It's amazing what fresh air does for their ability to sleep well ;)
• If you are trying to do a sit down activity such as reading a book and they have the wiggles, get them marching, crawling, jumping, rolling for ten minutes or so.  It is a great way to work those wiggles out and enhance their ability to concentrate.
• There are even some who believe that physical activity can help hyperactivity.  You can read more about that here.

We regularly use physical movement with the kids in the classroom.  If it is too cold to go out, we take them down to the gym.  In particular, we try to get them moving before any circle time activities.  It is amazing how much easier it is to maintain their attention and focus after running in the gym!

If you are looking for some good resources on the benefits of movement and learning, check out Smart Moves and Brain Gym. They are both excellent resources!  What about you?  Do your kids get regular physical activity?  Have you noticed an improvement in their concentration, focus and mood after getting some exercise?  Post your thoughts and observations!

Learning Tip Number 1: Drink lots of water.

Some of the most frequent questions I get from parents are about homework, attention/concentration and school performance, e.g., "how do I get my child to turn in/do his homework," "how can I help my child get better grades," etc.  As parents, we want our kids to do well in school because we understand that hard work and academic success can be important later on in life.  Getting kids to realize that is a long, hard road for some families. 

As a result, I thought I would spend some time over the next couple of posts talking about some things that we can do as parents to assist our kids when it comes to learning.  So, without further ado, here is tip one: 

Take small sips of cold water all day long.  I learned of this one after reading The Other 90% by Robert K. Cooper.  Don't get me wrong, I had always known that we should drink 8-10 glasses of water a day, that it was good for our bodies, yada, yada, yada.  Reading The Other 90%, however, enlightened me to just how important water is to our brain function. 

Consider this:  "Water provides the medium for nerve impulse conduction, the transmission of other biochemical processes, and the muscle contractions that stimulate metabolism and generate energy (Cooper, 2001).  I never really thought about it that way, had you?  I had always been told it "flushed away the fat/toxins" in our bodies.  I thought about water intake as more of a muscle thing.

Cooper goes on to say "By sipping extra water every 20 to 30 minutes during the day, you not only improve your overall health and resistance to illness, but also provide a clear, repeated signal to your metabolism to keep your energy and alertness levels higher.  The effect may be even more pronounced when the water is ice cold because when ice cold water reaches the stomach it stimulates increased energy production through the body and raises alertness in the brain and senses." 

Makes sense, huh?  We have started using this information in the preschool classroom.  For example, before circle time, we encourage kids to go to the drinking fountain so as to increase their concentration and attention and it does appear to help. 

You can image how pleased I was as a parent to find out that my children's teacher's were aware of the benefits of regular water drinking and learning as well.  They allow the children to keep water bottles at their desks and more and more schools are following suit. 

I am just amazed by how far they have come in their research on the brain and how it works.  As a parent, I find this information incredibly useful when trying to understand my kids and give them tools for success.  As a matter of fact, information on brain development and function is one of the most important tools in my parenting tool box.  As I learn about these tools and put them in my toolbox, I also make sure that I share them with my kids so they can start filling their own toolboxes.  I don't know about you, but I sure wish I had know about this water thing when I was in college!   

So there you go, a quick tip on one simple way that we can enhance learning, concentration and overall brain function.  I will be sharing more tips on ways to help with learning, concentration and focus over the next week or so, so stayed tuned!  Until then, I'm curious to know your thoughts on todays tip!  Do you have your kids drink a lot of water?  Are they allowed to do so at school?  Do you encourage this while they are studying?  Post your comments!

Funk mood or undeveloped "hook?"

Last time, we had a conversation about funk moods.  I mentioned that my theory about these instances were that they are kids ways of "re-grouping" before some new developmental spurt. 

It seems that I am not the only one with this theory.  In her book Your Child's Growing Mind, author Jane M. Healy discusses her concept of mental "hooks."  Her premise is built on the groundbreaking work of Jean Piaget and his studies of the cognitive development of children. 

It has been a long time since I formally studied Piaget's work.  In her book, Ms. Healy uses the term "mental hooks" to describe that which Piaget called "schemas."  No need to explain what a schema is since there is a well written explanation here.   Check it out and come back.

Are you back?  Okay, so if you understand the concept of a schema, you see that it really is something that is in process. Kids are trying to figure out their world, but do not yet have all the necessary information.  Have you ever tried making sound decisions with limited information or knowledge on a subject?  I have and it sucks.  It is frustrating and anxiety producing and often leads to an undesired outcome.   

I try to stay on top of the research on brain development.  I do this not only for work, but for myself.  As a parent, I find that I often am expecting more from my kids than is developmentally appropriate.  I am expecting them to understand things when they are still working on developing their "mental hooks."  Knowing this enables me to modify my approach, e.g., educating, clarifying, providing information, etc.  While this not only helps them continue to develop their schema, it often enables us to avoid conflict based on misperceptions.   

So given all this, could it be that the "funk moods" I describe are a result of their undeveloped "mental hooks" or "schemas?"  I'd love to know your thoughts on this matter!  Post your responses.

Who is this kid???!!!! Kids and funk moods.

Kids are complex, curious entities aren't they?  I never cease to be amazed by their ingenuity, creativity and determination.  I was talking with a parent a few weeks back and she was describing how her child was acting unusually clingy, whiny, and just generally out of sorts. 

At that moment, I had a flashback to when my son was three.  I recalled with incredible clarity standing on the stoop at my daycare provider's house nearly in tears saying "I have no idea who this kid standing before you is!"  She gave me a warm smile and an understanding nod. When she asked me to explain, I told her that my normally compliant, well behaved and loving son had turned into a whiny, angry monster.   

I know she was trying to calm me when she said "I haven't noticed any change in his behavior here."  While it was reassuring to know he wasn't misbehaving for her; it was disconcerting to know that he was saving all the nasty stuff for me!  I mean really, after all I had done for him, e.g., nearly 24 hours of labor followed by a c-section, etc. -- well, at least that was what I was thinking at the time.

She must have been able to read the expression on my face.  Having been a daycare provider for over twenty years, she shared some insights.  She said that I was not the first parent to experience this nor would I be the last.  She said that this was actually a good thing.  Well, maybe not the behavior, but the fact that he was doing it with me.  She said it was a testament to the bond that we had.  She explained that kids will always be naughtier for their parents because no matter how awful they act, we are not going to love them any less.  It made so much sense! 

But why these behaviors now?  I thought we had worked past the whining and negativity (I know, I know -- how naive was I?!).  My daycare shared that it was her belief that kids sometimes had these difficult behaviors because they were "re-grouping,"  i.e, getting ready to move on to the next social emotional level.  She said it would pass and, thankfully, it did.

In the years that have passed since the mentoring session with my daycare provider, I have come to hear about and experience some of these "re-grouping" periods with my students.  I like to refer to these as "funk moods."  Like my daycare provider, I have come to believe that these periods are very similar to those that we go through as adults (see this post). 

Interestingly enough, there are some others who share this theory.  More on that next time...

Has your child gone through a funk mood?  What was it like and how did you deal with it?  Post your responses!      

American Academy of Pediatrics recommending Autism screening for toddlers.

While cruising the web today, I noticed this article on MSNBC.  The Americana Academy of Pediatrics are calling for autism screenings for toddlers.  All I can say is IT IS ABOUT TIME!   As an Early Childhood Interventionist, I have met way too many parents over the years who went to their pediatricians with concerns of autism only to be told "Let's wait and see.  Come back and see me if he isn't talking when he turns three." 

Fortunately, many of these parents continued in their quest to get answers and had their children evaluated by their local early intervention program.  As a result, they were able to get much needed early intervention services.  One concern shared in the article is that it may cause many parents to worry about their child being autistic if he or she has one of the "red flags."  I can say that there have been many students evaluated by our early intervention team that presented many characteristics of autism during the evaluation process, but were not autistic at all.  I describe these kids as "quirky kids" as they have different mannerism and social skills but don't quite fit the criteria for autism. 

There is actually a very good book titled Quirky Kids by Perri Klass and Eileen Costello.  It talks about some of these different social interaction patterns and offers insights and suggestions for parents on what to do.  It also offers a great intro to parents on the different types of therapies that are available to children with developmental delays as well as an overview of the process of getting a child evaluated to determine if they are eligible for special education services.

A new resource for parents who are concerned that their child might have autism is AutismSpeaks.  Parents can find videos of children displaying some of the red flags of autism along with a multitude of other information on the subject.  It really is a very informative site.  I am actually very familiar with one of the contributing organizations to the site, First Signs, as we use one of their checklists with families when their are concerns about autism. 

The Autism Speaks site also shares a great deal of information on treatment options for autism.  There is a lot of disagreement amongst professionals as to what works and what doesn't.  For those professionals out their reading this, I encourage you to put yourselves in the parent's position when discussing these treatments.  I know that as a mom myself, I would do and try ANYTHING to help my child research or no research.   So we need to respect any and all efforts that parents in this situation do whether we think it is a waste of time or not.  Wouldn't you want the same, after all?

In closing, I just want to say that I think it is fantastic that the AAP is pushing for this.  I know first hand that early intervention can make dramatic changes in the lives of the children and families affected by autism.  The earlier they get help and support, the better.

Do you have or know of someone with a child affected by autism?  How soon did you know?  What experiences did you have in the process of getting your child evaluated?  Share your thoughts! 

The Importance of Good Sleep Habits

As a parent coach, one of the most common concerns shared with me by parents is about bedtime.  These concerns often include children not staying in their beds, waking during the night, etc.  I got to thinking about this topic the other night when I saw a piece on the nightly news about a new study regarding the impact inadequate sleep can have on children. 

Over the years, I have worked with many families who struggle with sleep issues.  Not only is this frustrating for the parents, but it has a significant impact on their child's mood during the day.  Children who do not get the necessary sleep are often cranky and distractable.   Think about how you feel after a night of restlessness -- I don't know about you, but I am not much fun to be around.

There has been a lot of research in the area of sleep.  You may be surprised by some of the results:

• Researches have found a link between childhood obesity and sleep apnea.
• Some common sleep disorders may be linked to ADHD.
• Lack of sleep may affect academic performance (click here to view the piece by NBC Nightly news -- scroll down to Kids Aren't Getting Enough Sleep)
   

This tip sheet from The National Sleep Foundation is one of the best resources I have found on the subject of sleep and children to date.  It provides in-depth information on how much sleep your child should be getting, suggestions for bedtime routine as well as red flags for sleep problems.  Every parent should read this information.  It highlights much of what I suggest to parents when discussing sleep issues including:

• establishing a regular, calming routine before bedtime
• limiting television before bedtime (click here for a story regarding the impact of having televisions in their rooms)
• re-evaluating their child's need for naps during the day
• if their child does still need a nap, re-evaluating the length, frequency and time of that nap

So how do you know if your child has a sleep problems and what do you do about them?  Click here to find out.  If you do feel that your child suffers from a sleep disorder, please, please, please be sure to discuss your concern with your pediatrician.  They are able to do pediatric sleep studies to determine if there is a medical cause for the disturbances and provide support and treatment if necessary.  Trust me, you and your child will BOTH sleep a lot better.

Does your child have difficulty sleeping?  If so, what things have you done to address the problem.  Please share your story -- you might help someone else in the process :)