Reader Question: Bedtime Blues

Dear Mentor Mom:

My son is two years old. He has a daily routine and he follows it well...except bed time! He takes a nap at noon without troubles. After he eats and plays, I put him in his pack and play (portable cot) and after few minutes he is sleeping.

It is very difficult at night.  He doesn't want to go to sleep in is own bed after his evening shower.  He falls asleep quickly in our bed. He is starting to run our home in the evening.  He wants to play, e.g., calls his dad, if dad comes, calls me, starts laughing, etc.  As a result, I need to stay with him in his bed until he falls asleep.  We turn all the lights in our house off and keep everything quiet. Normally my husband and I fall sleep before our son.  Bed time is not good in our house and I am really worried about this!

So, please, I need advice about this matter, what can I do?, I think it was a mistake remove the crib because in the crib he went to sleep very good and fast! But that day comes early or late!  Thanks in advance for your response. -- Virginia

Bedtime troubles are the worst, aren't they Virginia?! Rest assured that you are not the only parent struggling with this (not that hearing this is any comfort!).  Transitioning toddler from a crib to a "big boy bed" can be difficult for both the child AND the parent.  The child figures out quickly that they are no longer confined and understandably want to explore their world.  In most cases, they want to be with those that the love most -- mom and dad!  For most parents, getting our little ones in bed means that we have some much needed alone time or uninterrupted time with our significant others.  Of course, our little ones don't understand that since they are the center of the universe, well, at least that's what they think!

Your dilemma can be fixed, Virginia, however, it is not going to be easy.  Your little guy is likely going to fight against this with every fiber in his being, but with time, understanding and LOTS of patience on you and your husband's part, he will learn to accept sleeping in his own bed.  I try to answer reader questions as if I would handle the situation if I were in your shoes knowing what I know.  Here's what I would try:

• Keep the afternoon nap brief, i.e., no longer than an hour if possible.
• Start the wind down process for bed right after dinner by getting him outside to wear of some energy.  Some parents think this will wind their kids up, but it is actually quite beneficial to get them outdoors to shed energy and give the body the opportunity to shed any remaining "wiggles" from the day.  The movement also helps oxygenate the brain which will help him to calm and focus afterward.
• After a good bout of movement, I would then incorporate some sensory play (see this post and  this post for some ideas) into our regular evening routine.
• After a good hour or so of sensory play, I would give him a bath.  I would do a bath versus the shower as it is a more calming experience than a shower which can actually be quite stimulating. 
• Incorporate the use of aromatherapy.  Use relaxing scents and aromas during his bath experience such as lavender and chamomile bubble bath and lotion.  Light a candle (with supervision of course!) or use a lavender plug in like this one  from Bath and Body Works.
• Incorporate the use of calming music.  Play some relaxing music while he soaks in the tub and then continue with it in his room afterward.  CDs with calming sounds and lullaby's like these can really help kids (and grown ups!) transition into sleep.  Look for music that has beats similar to those of a calm heartbeat.  We use music frequently in the classroom with preschoolers to modulate their mood and activity level with much success.
• Discuss some new ground rules about bedtime, e.g., explain during the bath that he will need to stay in his room and that you or your husband will read to him and tuck him in, but you will not sleep with him in his bed nor can he come into your room.  Discuss if there will be any exceptions to this rule.  For example, both of our kids were always frightened during thunderstorms.  Understanding this, we made this the one of the exceptions to when they can come in our room to sleep, they other being if they are sick (be firm on that one though, e.g., must have a temperature, etc., or they will milk the tummy aches when they get older!).
• After a nice, relaxing bath, continue the bedtime process by reading some books in his room in bed or in a rocker. 
• Finish with a deep tissue massage before the final tuck in.  Make it a fun and meaningful tuck in that has a start and a finish, e.g., start tucking at the toes up to the chin with a final kiss on the nose before you go.
• Wish him good night and leave quietly without looking back.

Now for the tough part, keeping him there!  In a perfect world, our kids would stay in bed when we put them there, but having free will they will of course get out.  So what are our options?  Here are just a couple:

• Let him get out of bed and come sleep with us.
• Give in to his pleading and sleep with him.
• Hold the door shut until he falls asleep on his own.
• Get angry and frustrated telling him how much mom and dad need to get some sleep.
• Keep putting him back in his room until he stays there on his own.

Sometimes as parents, we need to pick the best of the worst.   Looking at this list, I personally would have to go with the last option.  You may have seen this technique on the Supernanny.  I know it is a lot of work, but if done correctly, it can help your little one learn that no matter what he tries, he is going back to his room.  Here are two keys to the success of this technique:

• Make sure you and your husband are on the same page.  You will need to back each other up in this labor intensive intervention.
• Pick WHEN you are going to do this.  By this I mean, you don't want to try this technique on a weekday when you both have to get up and go to work.  Do it when you are both well rested and have the energy to give it 100%.
• Don't give your child any feedback when you return him to his room!  If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that kids will take whatever kind of attention they can get.  I've often told parents the quickest way to eliminate a behavior (depending on what it is of course) is to ignore it.  In this situation, you escort your son back to his room with as minimal physical contact as possible.  Don't look at him and definitely DO NOT TALK TO HIM!  Any response or reaction he gets from you or your husband raises a flicker of hope in his mind that he just may win this battle.  If he gets no feedback or meaningful interaction from either of you, he will eventually give up.  You must be firm in your mind that you WILL win this battle and you will stick with it as long as you have to (remember that dad that put his child back in his bed over 45 times!).  Remember, YOU MUST WIN THIS BATTLE!
• Be consistent!  I like to tell parents that kids are like little scientists trying to poke holes in our parenting theories.  Your son may do well with staying in his bed for several days or several weeks and then all of a sudden pull the old 'I wanna sleep in your bed' routine.  If you give in, you will have taught him that there are exceptions to this rule (besides the ones you already negotiated) and you will be back to square one.  The only thing that will be different this time is you will have to work twice as hard to convince him that you are sticking to your guns on this one. 

Some final thoughts:

• Keep in mind that you are drawing near that age when kids get afraid of the dark.  You need to decide as parents if you want to have a nightlite in his room or allow him to sleep with the lights on, etc. 
• Some parents I have know over the years allow their little one to look at books until they fall asleep with much success.  If you use this approach, be sure to be clear that no toys are allowed in bed except maybe a favorite stuffed animal.
• As your child gets older and better at figuring out semi-legitimate reasons to leave his room (e.g., using the bathroom, forgetting to brush his teeth, etc.) you can try making a deal with him to keep him in his room.  We use this one and it works pretty well.  We told our kids that they can stay up until a certain time with lights on as long as we don't see them or hear them which means they stay in their rooms and play or read quietly.  Learned this one from the Love and Logic program.  Sometimes the kids stay up until we say lights out, but more often than not, they fall asleep on their own.   

Let's face it, we don't have any control over when kids fall to sleep, but we can try to set up dynamics that encourage healthy nighttime routines and sleep patterns.  It is not too late for your family to have a calm and peaceful bedtime experience if you are willing to expend the time and energy now!  You just have to keep the prize in site and tell yourself that you can and will do this!  Be sure to keep me posted on how things work out and thanks for being a Mentor Mom reader!

Do you have any thoughts or suggestions to help this reader?  If so, please share your tips and strategies!

Comments

[Dawn]

I don't have a two year old (yet), but we start keeping the lights low with dimmers and curtains while we do the nightly wind down.

[The Mentor Mom]

Great tip, Dawn! Dimming the lights is definitely a great idea. Gets a bit tricky during the summer with daylight savings and all. We bought room darkening shades to combat that. Thanks again for the great tip!