Toxic Relationships: The In-Laws

Yesterday, we started a conversation about toxic relationships.  You may be asking why I am discussing this as it is unrelated to parenting.  Oh, so not true.  Toxic relationships with family members do affect parenting as well as our marriage which ultimately affects our children.

Consider this, the young girl who grows up witnessing domestic violence between her mother and father who then ends up in an abusive relationship as an adult.  Or the child who grows up in a home with an alcoholic parent who enters into a marriage with an alcoholic as well.  Or perhaps, the child who witnesses verbal abuse between his parents and then ends up in a relationship where he/she is verbally abused. 

Of course, this is not to say that it is the destiny of every child who witnesses or experiences the things in these scenarios to end up this way, but in my experience, it increases the likelihood greatly.  We seek out what we know, sometimes even when we know it isn't good.  Familiarity can sometimes out weigh logic.  I want to make sure I am clear about how toxic relationships CAN affect our parenting. 

So, let's talk about in-laws.  Now I know there are some out there who have wonderful relationships with your in-laws and enjoy their company.  Lucky you!  But I also know that there are many out there who can't stand their in-laws and consider this relationship to be toxic, either to them, their spouse (who often doesn't see it) or to their children.

Here are some important things to keep in mind about in-laws:

• They are your spouse's parents so they must have some good qualities.  After all, they raised the individual with whom you have chosen to share your life.
• Don't bad mouth your spouse's family to him.  Even though he may be aware that his parents are overbearing, rude or whatever the case, they are still his parents and in most situations, he will want to defend them.

So what can you do to navigate a toxic relationship with in-law?

• Pick and choose your battles.  Some things are not worth starting an argument about.  Little passive aggressive comments behind your back or to your spouse may not be worth addressing, but making disrespectful comments to you in front of your kids?  I don't think so.
• If the relationship is particularly contentious, discuss your concerns with your spouse.  It is not acceptable for his parents to disrespect either of you in your home or in front of your children.  Your spouse should address this directly with his parents, even though he may not want to.  And likewise, you should be the one to discuss any issues between your spouse and your parents.  One of the most difficult things that we sometimes have to do in marriage is stand up to our parents when they have stepped out of line with our spouse or children.
• If you are able to do so in a calm and respectful fashion, try talking to your in-laws directly about how you feel, e.g., "I feel hurt when you make negative comments about my housekeeping."  Even though it may not stop them from continuing, expressing your feelings in itself be empowering.
• If the in-laws are receptive to the discussion (you agree to disagree about things), set some ground rules, e.g., we agree not to talk negatively about each other in front of the kids, etc.
• If the contentious behavior does not stop, you and your spouse will need to discuss how to proceed.  You need to come to a compromise that both of you can live with, e.g., your husband takes the kids over for visits with his parents without you, etc.
• We don't have to like our in-laws, but we should be cordial to them for the sake of our children.  They love their grandparents unconditionally and could become confused by negative comments or statements by you.  They may feel that they are betraying you by going with their grandparents despite the fact that they love and enjoy being with them.
• Along the same lines, don't talk negatively about the grandparents in front of your kids for the exact same reason.

Of course a caveat to this discussion would be situations where contact with in-laws put your child at risk of abuse, neglect or emotional trauma.  Your child's physical and emotional well being is the number one priority.

How do you get along with your in-laws?  Have you had to have a tough conversation with them and if so, how did it go?

Comments

[chichimama]

Great topic. My in-laws and I have reached a guarded truce. I think. But we have a particularly difficult situation as my husband and his father run a company together. And family businesses make for difficult family relationships I think.

[Mommy off the Record]

Wow, I haven't been by lately. Your site looks GREAT. I love it!

Do I get along with my in-laws? Uh, not really. We tolerate each other and act fake-nice, but we ARE on speaking terms so I guess that's good.

[Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom]

Ooo, chichimama, that is a difficult situation! Lucky for you that you have established that "guarded truce!"

And good for you as well MOTR for at least being able to tolerate each other. That in and of itself can be hard! And I'm glad you like my new digs :) Props to Izzy!

[Lisa Blackburn]

I put up with my in-laws but they never get away with anything. I never keep my mouth shut and use my children against them if I have to in order to reign superior. I give them no respect and I really don't care because if they ever want to see their grandchildren that's just the way it will be.

[protect]

"Of course a caveat to this discussion would be situations where contact with in-laws put your child at risk of abuse, neglect or emotional trauma. Your child's physical and emotional well being is the number one priority."

We are experiencing just this... Trying to protect our child from toxic gp's has landed us within the court system fighting against third pary visitation laws. Nearly two years and $20,000 plus in attorney fees alone our battle continues. Our child's overall well being lies in the hands of one court official who may or may not really care about our child's health and safety.

[TIRED OF THE IN-LAWS]

My in-laws have totally come in between my marriage with my wife. They have spoke bad about my me in front of my daughter plenty of times. My wife said she took care of it and it happened again and I just got fed up!!! So we almost ended up fighting. I asked her numerous times to speak to her parents. She turned on me and made me that I was wrong for bringing it up or crazy! How much can a man take if the wife doesnt stand up for him????

[The Mentor Mom]

Thanks for sharing your experience Tired of the In-Laws! You bring up an excellent point which is that a husband and wife have to be able to stand up for each other and/or at least be able to communicate with each other in a healthy way regarding their concerns with their in-laws. Best of luck to you :)

[Sabrina]

We decided to confront my husbands parents about saying disrepectful things to our daughter about me. I thought it would be good to get our feelings out on the table, maybe even bring us together a bit. Instead, they won't talk to us anymore. I guess the message is not to express concerns about this kind of behaviour. As the in-law I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't want to talk to them now either. It is really sad.

[Kerri]

My husband has confronted his mother in the past, it worked a little. The only thing that really works is living far away. We moved for jobs, but she said we were running away. Neither one of us can do anything right in her eyes. But what is really weird is she goes on and on about how wonderful her brother's kids are. I don't think this is very fair. My husband was adopted. It's almost as if, she thinks that her kids would be better if they were genetically related to her... like she has some kind of superior genes or something! Weird.. I just try to be kind when we visit or she visits( once a year), but I think her comments hurt my husband, but if he doesn't stand up to her, for himself or me, I would just rather not speak to this woman.

[Kerri]

My husband's mother has never had much respect for either one of us. She criticizes every chance she gets. My husband has talked to her, but it doesn't change much. The only thing that has helped is having to move across the country for my husband's job. She even brags about her brother's kids to us. I almost get the feeling she doesn't think the kids that she raised are good enough, because my husband and his sibling are adopted. I guess she thinks her kids would be better human beings if they were more genetically like her! and she always makes comments like family is soo important and it's all you have, but she's talking about her! We have kids and this really irritates me when she talks like this, especially since she recently married a man, who doesn't like kids! My husband doesn't stand up to her anymore, he just ignores her comments, I try to also. At least we only see this very unhappy woman once a year.