My first month as a mom...

I was discussing being a new mom yesterday with a friend at a coffee shop.  One of her family members had just had a baby and was having a difficult time adjusting.  I can relate.  I decided to share my personal experience as a new mom in the hope of reaching others who are currently struggling with similar feelings.

It all started with Thing One.  Now mind you, my husband and I planned for him and, once conceived, I read all the baby books to prepare, quit caffeine and stopped eating junk food.  He arrived on March 25, 1998 after a considerable amount of labor and eventually a c-section.  My body was spent after the birth and my interest in holding him was minimal.  But, being a social worker with considerable knowledge regarding attachment and bonding, I held Thing One as much and as soon as my body would allow.

I was discharged a day early (BIG mistake in retrospect!) and the trip home was horrible.  We didn't know how to put the car seat in and neither did the nurse.  It was raining and miserable.  This set the tone for the night.  Thing One wouldn't sleep unless he was at a 45% angle (bizarre I know) so I couldn't put him in his crib or our bed.  I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom upright the first couple of nights.  It was awful.

I gradually began to understand Thing One's cries of hunger, etc., but something still wasn't right.  Why was I not enjoying him more?  This is something I had been preparing for, so why wasn't I happier?  Was I suffering from postpartum depression?  No changes in my appetite, sleep patterns or anything else...I don't think that is it.  I was feeling horrible guilt at not enjoying the experience of being a mother and thought there must be something wrong with me.  I held my feelings in for fear of what others might think.  I probably over analyzed things (being the analytical person that I am) wondering if I was grieving the loss of some of my freedom; if I was not ready to be a mom; if I was going to be a good mom, and the list went on and on.

You see, I had expected my experience with my first child to be like what you see on TV (I know, how naive).  You know, when they place the baby in the mothers arms after birth and she cries with joy and feels an instant, overwhelming love for her child.  Well, that wasn't my experience.  I was truly frightened about my future as a parent (and lack of confidence is a relatively foreign feeling for me).

Over the next two to three weeks, a bevy of friends, family and well wishers came to the house with gifts, food and congratulations.  I again held in my true feelings and said nothing.  Then, an old and dear friend came by.  As we sat in the living room staring at Thing One sleeping quietly in his bassinet, there was a hushed silence.  I think she sensed my inner turmoil.  She then said, "I don't know about you, but when my first was born I didn't experience that kind of instant love...I had to grow to love her."  Oh my gosh!  The floodgates of relief had opened!  This person who I had always had the utmost respect for as a mother knew how I was feeling.  I wasn't alone!  Those words set me free and all the fear and frustration were soon gone.  Things immediately improved and I was now at ease with my child and enjoying him completely (and still am!).

While I was not experiencing postpartum depression but rather a mild adjustment difficulty, many women do experience postpartum depression and it is serious business.  Please check out  Postpartum Support International for more information on postpartum depression.  This sight includes a self-assessment that you can take to help determine if you suffer from postpartum.  It also discusses different treatment options.  If you do believe you may be suffering from postpartum depression, please see your doctor immediately. 

I know there are going to be some moms out there who cannot relate to this story and may be thinking "how can you not have that instant bond?"  Well, this post is not for you.  This post is for all those moms out there suffering this secret agony.  I offer you this:  You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you.  Be open and honest about the feelings. Those who do not understand and judge are not truly your friends.

I hope that this post will not only bring comfort to those moms experiencing similar feelings, but will help spouses, family and friends to understand what they are going through.

That is my story.  What's yours?  Did you have a similar experience after the birth of your first child?  If yes, what helped you through?   

Comments

[tracey]

I think every new mother experiences it to different degrees. If the love comes instantly then there is something else thats awry. If the first few weeks go smoothly then the hitting the brinck wall comes later. One can never escape those feelings that come over us like a flood. It's natural and it's like you said, NORMAL. And it's OK. It's just a matter of knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's soooooo hard being a new mom. And even the second time around (when you are sure you've got a handle on it) you go through something similar. There's no way around it. If all moms KNEW and were told that this is true, maybe we'd be better off. That's why it is so important to share our stories. Thank goodness we're finally doing that with and for each other. We need each other for that! Great post Mentor Mom.

And thanks for commenting at Picture This! SO glad you came.

[Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom]

Well put Traci and I encourage all you readers to check out Traci's beautiful website www.warmtone.com The pictures are just breathtaking!