The Mentor Mom

Is it too late?

I was asked a few weeks ago by an overwhelmed mother if it was too late to repair the relationship with her elementary aged son.  I said "It's never too late!"  I truly do believe that you know, but I understand her anxiety.  I have often wondered this myself as it relates to my own children.  I went through it with my son when he was much younger.  Things on that front are MUCH improved and I feel confident that our relationship will continue improve and grow stronger.  I also feel that there isn't much he can do that I can't handle (let's hope he doesn't prove me wrong!).

My daughter, on the otherhand, continues to shake my confidence in my parenting abilities.  The roller coaster of emotions from sweet child to demanding and screaming kid continue from time to time.  Every time it does, I wonder what have I done wrong?  Is she going to grow up to hate me?  Will we ever enjoy each other's company?

I've tried looking at it analytically, e.g., what is that I am doing that continues to reward this behavior?  I've realized that I really have to work on responding without any emotion to the outbursts (as angry and hurt as I might be inside).  It has helped in that she has been recovering more quickly, but it is still frustrating that the outbursts continue to happen. Let me be clear, I do not expect a perfectly behaved child, but one that is pleasant to be around at least 50-75% of the time would be great.

It is clear that the parenting tools that worked with my son are not nearly as effective with my daughter.  This still surprises me especially since up until the last year and a half, she had been the easier of the two.  Is it too late?  I refuse to believe so.  My goal is to have a positive relationship with her.  But, how to do this?  Here is my plan:

• Identify the trigger to most of the battles - We seem to get into it about the same things, room cleanliness, snacks, etc.  Knowing when it the battles will happen can help us as parents be proactive rather than reactive.
• Hone my technique -  In my case, this means keeping my cool and being less reactive.  If you have parenting tools that have worked in the past, take another look at them to see are you doing anything differently?  Again, for me, I see that I have been much more emotionally reactive with her than I was with my son.  Remember, behaviors only occur as long as they are being rewarded (i.e, they elicit a response).  Thing two clearly knows she is getting a rise out of me.  Gotta put that in check. 
• Know that I can, must and will do this.  Enough said about that one. 

I think that the last step is the hardest.  Kids are like dogs in that they smell fear, or in this case, lack of confidence.  I love my daughter WAY too much not to continue to find ways to improve things. 

I know that there are many parents out there who struggle with this, myself included.  The overall point is that you MUST believe in yourself.  With determination, the right tools and mind set, even the most troubled parent-child relationships can be turned around!

Dog days of summer...

Interesting study on the role father's play in reducing teen sex...

Found another interesting study today on msnbc.com.  This one explored the relationship between teens and their parents and the impact that those relationships may or may not have on the teens choice to engage in sex.  First, some interesting and alarming numbers:

"One in four American adolescents under the age of 15 has had sexual intercourse and, by age 18, two-thirds have had sex, according to research. The concern is, many sexually active young people aren’t using protection, a contributing factor in rising teen birth rates. Approximately 750,000 teenagers become pregnant each year and about 3 in 10 teenage girls become pregnant at least once before age 20, according to government statistics."  from article Devoted dads key to reducing teen sex by Linda Carroll

Yikes!  Having a daughter myself, these numbers make me cringe.  Fortunately, if the research here is correct, we should be in good shape as Thing Two's father is very involved and absolutely dotes on her. 

Of particular interest to me was the point about the relationship between the parents and how "dad's impact on  mom makes life better for the child."  Hmmmm...any thoughts on that readers?

Check out the full article here.  Post your thoughts :)

Are you or your kids tech addicted?

Technology.  It is a wonderful thing, isn't it?  Or is it?  I will admit that I am a bit of a tech junkie.  I love my laptop (as evidenced by the indentations on my lap) and am in process to purchase an iPhone (I already have an iTouch but it just doesn't seem to be enough!).  I will also admit that I waaaaaay overcheck my e-mail.  Ever since my daughter said, "You are always on your stupid laptop!" I have significantly cut down on my time.  I try to do my surfing, blogging, etc., after they are upstairs for bed, etc.  Heck, I've even been known to only get on my computer ONCE on Saturdays and Sundays! 

Granted, it is still a work in progress, but I am committed to not let technology interfere with my relationship with my children and husband.  In addition, I want to model appropriate use of technology.  Here is a great article that discusses WHY we as parents need to consider our use of technology and how it can interfere with our time with our kids.  Be sure to check out the links in the article -- they are very interesting.

Okay, now that I've talked about our own need to be responsible tech users, lets talk about kids.  My impetus for this post was not my own kids use of technology as they really don't have any :)  They do not have cell phones, get very limited use of the computer and/or internet, and use of video games requires clean rooms first (surprisingly, I thought this would motivate them to clean their rooms, but alas, messy rooms trumph the desire for wii time -- I guess that's a good thing?).  But, as we draw nearer to those teen years, we are already thinking and wondering how to keep our kids from becoming tech addicted.

Case in point, in Japan, they are so concerned about children's addiction to cell phones, that the government is getting involved.  Check this out.  Isn't that crazy?!  Has it come to this?   Apparantly so. 

I often worry about kids today. Is it just me, or has anyone else out there noticed an unusual number of teens who seem to be lacking social skills?  Is it a sign of the times that we have to tell our staff at the restaurant that there is no texting or cell phone use while on shift?  My theory is that kids are so relying on technology to communicate that they are not getting the experience and practice they need to develop strong personal skills.  That's just my theory...

What would happen if we asked ourselves and our kids to forgo technology for a week?  Interestingly enough, NBC did just that.  They asked several teens to go without echnology for week.  The results were eye opening.  Check this out:

What are your thoughts on this topic?  Do you model good tech use?  Do you limit your children's use of technology?  Post your thoughts!

This seems timely...

I saw this article and thought it was timely given the current state of the economy.  It is about parents scaling back on spending on their children, ie, music lessons, sports, birthday parties, etc.  I'm thinking that might not be such a bad thing?  Could it help avoid this?  I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts on this!

Poverty and brain development...

Here is an interesting article on some current research on how poverty affects the brains of children.  This seems like a timely topic given the current economic situation in this country.  What are your thoughts on this topic?  

Never judge a book by it's cover...

Okay, this post was a bit more timely when I originally heard the story a week ago.  I had no idea that it would become such a media sensation. So, for those of you who live under a rock, here it is again:

Never judge a book by it's cover...check out this video.

Excellent article on autism...

I stumbled upon this article a while back while looking for a resource for one of the families with whom I work who has a child with autism.  They were struggling with how to help friends and family understand their child.  I contacted the author and asked her if I could share it with my readers, to which she agreed.  Please share this information with family or friends who may be struggling to understand or how to explain it to family members.   Enjoy...

Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew

by Ellen Notbohm

 from the book Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew

(2005, Future Horizons, Inc.) Reprinted with permission of author

Some days it seems the only predictable thing about it is the unpredictability. The only consistent attribute -- the inconsistency. There is little argument on any level but that autism is baffling, even to those who spend their lives around it. The child who lives with autism may look “normal” but his behavior can be perplexing and downright difficult.

 Autism was once thought an “incurable” disorder, but that notion is crumbling in the face knowledge and understanding that is increasing even as you read this. Every day, individuals with autism are showing us that they can overcome, compensate for and otherwise manage many of autism’s most challenging characteristics. Equipping those around our children with simple understanding of autism’s most basic elements has a tremendous impact on their ability to journey towards productive, independent adulthood.

 Autism is an extremely complex disorder but for purposes of this one article, we can distill its myriad characteristics into four fundamental areas: sensory processing challenges, speech/language delays and impairments, the elusive social interaction skills and whole child/self-esteem issues. And though these four elements may be common to many children, keep front-of-mind the fact that autism is a spectrum disorder: no two (or ten or twenty) children with autism will be completely alike. Every child will be at a different point on the spectrum. And, just as importantly – every parent, teacher and caregiver will be at a different point on the spectrum. Child or adult, each will have a unique set of needs.

Here are ten things every child with autism wishes you knew:

1.  I am first and foremost a child. I have autism. I am not primarily “autistic.” My autism is only one aspect of my total character. It does not define me as a person. Are you a person with thoughts, feelings and many talents, or are you just fat (overweight), myopic (wear glasses) or klutzy (uncoordinated, not good at sports)? Those may be things that I see first when I meet you, but they are not necessarily what you are all about.

As an adult, you have some control over how you define yourself. If you want to single out a single characteristic, you can make that known. As a child, I am still unfolding. Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of. Defining me by one characteristic runs the danger of setting up an expectation that may be too low. And if I get a sense that you don’t think I “can do it,” my natural response will be:  Why try?

2.  My sensory perceptions are disordered. Sensory integration may be the most difficult aspect of autism to understand, but it is arguably the most critical. It his means that the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me. The very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself. Here is why a “simple” trip to the grocery store may be hell for me:

My hearing may be hyper-acute. Dozens of people are talking at once. The loudspeaker booms today’s special. Musak whines from the sound system. Cash registers beep and cough, a coffee grinder is chugging. The meat cutter screeches, babies wail, carts creak, the fluorescent lighting hums. My brain can’t filter all the input and I’m in overload!

My sense of smell may be highly sensitive. The fish at the meat counter isn’t quite fresh, the guy standing next to us hasn’t showered today, the deli is handing out sausage samples, the baby in line ahead of us has a poopy diaper, they’re mopping up pickles on aisle 3 with ammonia….I can’t sort it all out. I am dangerously nauseated.

Because I am visually oriented (see more on this below), this may be my first sense to become overstimulated. The fluorescent light is not only too bright, it buzzes and hums. The room seems to pulsate and it hurts my eyes. The pulsating light bounces off everything and distorts what I am seeing -- the space seems to be constantly changing. There’s glare from windows, too many items for me to be able to focus (I may compensate with "tunnel vision"), moving fans on the ceiling, so many bodies in constant motion. All this affects my vestibular and proprioceptive senses, and now I can’t even tell where my body is in space.

3.  Please remember to distinguish between won’t (I choose not to) and can’t (I am not able to).   Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn’t that I don’t listen to instructions. It’s that I can’t understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: “*&^%$#@, Billy.  #$%^*&^%$&*………” Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words:  “Please put your book in your desk, Billy.  It’s time to go to lunch.”  This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next.  Now it is much easier for me to comply.

4.  I am a concrete thinker.  This means I interpret language very literally.  It’s very confusing for me when you say, “Hold your horses, cowboy!” when what you really mean is “Please stop running.”  Don’t tell me something is a “piece of cake” when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is “this will be easy for you to do.”  When you say “Jamie really burned up the track,” I see a kid playing with matches.  Please just tell me “Jamie ran very fast.”

 Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

 5.  Please be patient with my limited vocabulary.  It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when I don’t know the words to describe my feelings.  I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express.  Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.

Or, there’s a flip side to this:  I may sound like a “little professor” or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age.  These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to.  They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people.  It is called “echolalia.”  I don’t necessarily understand the context or the terminology I’m using.  I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

 6.  Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented.  Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me.  And please be prepared to show me many times.  Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.

A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day.  Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations. 

I won’t lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my “level of representation”may change.  Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings.  As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

7.  Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Like any other human, I can’t learn in an environment where I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not good enough and that I need “fixing.”  Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however “constructive,” becomes something to be avoided.  Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one “right” way to do most things.

8.  Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don’t want to play with the other kids on the playground, but sometimes it’s just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation.  If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them at kickball or shooting baskets, it may be that I’m delighted to be included.

I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end.  I don’t know how to “read” facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses.  For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it’s not that I think it’s funny. It’s that I don’t know the proper response.  Teach me to say “Are you OK?”

 9.  Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns.  Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you.  They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload.   If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented.  Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities.  A pattern may emerge.

Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication.  It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment. 

Parents, keep in mind as well:  persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause.  Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.

10.  Love me unconditionally.  Banish thoughts like, “If he would just……” and “Why can’t she…..”  You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn’t like being constantly reminded of it.  I did not choose to have autism.  But remember that it is happening to me, not you.  Without your support, my chances of successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim. With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think. I promise you – I am worth it.

And finally, three words:  Patience. Patience. Patience. Work to view my autism as a different ability rather than a disability. Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me. It may be true that I’m not good at eye contact or conversation, but have you noticed that I don’t lie, cheat at games, tattle on my classmates or pass judgment on other people? Also true that I probably won’t be the next Michael Jordan. But with my attention to fine detail and capacity for extraordinary focus, I might be the next Einstein. Or Mozart. Or Van Gogh.

They may have had autism too.

The answer to Alzheimer’s, the enigma of extraterrestrial life -- what future achievements from today’s children with autism, children like me, lie ahead? 

All that I might become won’t happen without you as my foundation. Be my advocate, be my friend, and we’ll see just how far I can go.

© 2005 Ellen Notbohm

 

Please contact the author for permission to reproduce in any way including re-posting on the Internet. Ellen Notbohm is author of Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew, Ten Things Your Student with Autism Wishes You Knew, and  The Autism Trail Guide: Postcards from the Road Less Traveled, all ForeWord  Book of the Year finalists. She is also co-author of the award-winning 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders, a columnist for Autism Asperger’s Digest and Children’s Voice, and a contributor to numerous publications and websites around the world. To contact Ellen or explore her work, please visit www.ellennotbohm.com .

This is just sad...

Another sign of the poor economy -- many governments are looking at cutting funding to early childhood programs.  This frustrates me to no end!  There are a number of studies that support the long term outcomes of these programs as well as their cost effectiveness.   Did you know that by the age of three, your child's brain is 85% the size of an adult brain?  This is because of all the learning and organizing that takes place the first three years of life.  While the article discusses preschool programming, programs for infants and toddlers are certainly at risk as well.  I urge all my readers to contact your local representative to ask their support for early childhood education.  Together, we can make a difference.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Here is an interesting link on how the play experiences your child has now can support their career dreams.  The authors surveyed a number of children asking them what they wanted to be when they grew up.  While the answers were not that surprising, the author does a great job of explaining the importance of play in this process.  Be sure to check out some of the toy recommendations in the right hand column to help support your budding veterinarian or thespian!